I am caught in the change of a tropical rainstorm
Out there between green and blue
And it’s telling me that you’re so hard to forget
I'm a traveller just passing through
Asian Paradise by Sharon O'Neill.
Note: With the coalition's actions, it can be hard these days to tell if something is satirical or not. You know the sort of thing: government press releases, Christopher Luxon’s answers to questions… To avoid any confusion, the following definitely is.
Mostly…
Christopher Luxon closed his eyes, listening to the rumble of the RNZAF Boeing 757 as it flew through the night. Soon, they’d land in Vientiane for the East Asia Summit. It sounded so exotic.
The Prime Minister practised the word Vi en ti ane in his head; it didn’t sound right. It was like when he tried to use Te Reo, except this time, he couldn’t rely on half the crowd cheering if he mangled the pronunciation.
He told them it was going to be too hard, so he’d just talk about the people instead. To prove his point, he pretended to give a speech.
“What’s up Doc? You Laos are in for a treat. Wake up Sleepy town, no need to be Bashful; this is my Happy time, far, far, from deputies Grumpy and Dopey. We used to call that last one Sneezy, always sniffing and simpering, but now he can get all the pseudoephedrine he needs.”
The officials had looked at him as if he was insane before stammering, “That’s not how you say the name of the people, sir. It should rhyme with Cow, not Layoffs”. The PM bit the bullet and learned the name. The last thing he wanted was to accidentally say it was “great to be here in the land of the Layoffs.”
“You’re not in Wellington now, Mr Luxon,” he thought.
Former PM John Key had called with some advice before departure. “Avoid being seen with Biden; Trump doesn’t like it”, he’d said, following a very long-winded anecdote about the time he played golf with President Obama. “No handshakes and no photo ops”.
Luxon said, “But, that’s what I do - shake hands and stand next to people in photos. What am I supposed to do for two days? And don’t say play golf”.
Key replied, “The conference is on the crisis in Burma, the South China Sea, and Russia in the Ukraine. Why don’t you help with those?”
There was silence for a few seconds, and then both men laughed loudly until finally, Luxon said, “It’s called Myanmar; just don’t ask me how to say it.”
“Murmur, an odd name for a country”, replied Key, and then laughing, “Did you learn about that the other night when you weren’t in Dunedin?”
Luxon ignored him and said, “It says here that Biden isn’t coming; some bloke called Blinken will be, and there’s no mention of me either. That name gives me an idea. Some people didn’t like me talking about Fricken targets the other week. Maybe Blinken ones would be better?”
“Bloody Dunedin”, thought Luxon. There had even been some talk of using the RNZAF craft to help down south until he’d put his foot down and shouted that he wasn’t “turning up on a commercial flight like the leader of some tin pot country that didn’t have its own airforce.”
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