The congregation marched up Khyber Pass, turned onto the on-ramp and continued right on to the Southern Motorway.
“Why?” said the people listening on the radio.
“Why?” said the people seeing it in their news-feed.
“Why?” said the people parked in their cars across four lanes of high-speed tarmac.
“Thank god for that” said the shop keepers on Broadway who breathed a sigh of relief that this time the “plague of locusts”, as they referred to them, were not running amok around Newmarket, masks off, stopping commerce, and generally lowering the tone of the place.
“Why?” wondered John as he marched up the on-ramp.
He could kind of understand when they had been protesting against Man Dates, hatred of the homosexual was a core tenet within the message of peace and love offered by Destiny.
He knew some in the church didn’t like women being involved in decisions round pregnancy, they had celebrated at the recent action of the US Supreme Court, but he hadn’t realised that extended to men now prescribing the method of birth.
He hadn’t really understood the whole anti-mask, anti-lockdown thing, I mean there was this sickness, surely taking sensible health precautions had been well a sensible thing to do?
Brian had reminded them at the time it was about letting God’s will take it’s course, and impinging on God played dice with the universe was as unnatural as adults consenting to relations with the same sex.
No doubt all would be clear once the Pastor spoke to them, best not to think about things John thought. He reached the point of the protest where they were sitting on the ground and sat down to hear from the savior.
Brother Paul was introducing the First Man and First Woman of Destiny.
Ladies and gentlemen The Pentecostal Preacher of Paywave…
The man who added “Electronic Fund Transfer” to hold the title The Eftpostle of Enough is never Enough!
Come on people make some noise and prepare to give a little more. For your saviours and mine, Brian and Hannah Tamaki.
Brian took the stage, his hair slicked back like the lead singer of Judas Priest, his aviator shades like Tom Cruise – another pinup boy for heterosexuality. He had considered landing on the motorway in a jet aircraft but felt that would make the comparison between he and Tom too obvious for his followers.
Does it not say in the Bible “lo and Moses lead his people onto the great road and the Lord did see that is was good and verily he said well done Brian, ah I mean Moses, you can have an extra helping of cake?”
The crow looked more bewildered, did the Bible actually say that they wondered?
And when the Lord did speak of extra cake was that not just a metaphor for large amounts of riches?
And did not Saint Florence of Nightingale say when confronted by the hunger of the people “Let them eat cake” which really meant “Give them loads of money so they can buy the bread already”.
Having money is not a sin, no the sin we hate most of all is homosexuality. That is why we wear these black leathers, these tight black leathers with zips, to show our opposition to the Gays. I myself have no problem them with them – some of my best friends used to be Gay.
Does it not say in the bible “covet thy neighbour’s motorcycle, and his wife, and shiny things?” Well it might, but don’t covet mine OK.
The crowd clapped a little but they still looked quite bewildered.
If you are short of funds we are now offering pay-day loans, buy-now pay-later. We refuse to allow a temporary shortage of money to impede your salvation.
Please be aware the Lord does charge what might be considered by non-believers, the haters, as a particularly high rate of interest, but what price can you put on your immortal soul really?
Some people in the crowd began to murmur asking “Why are we here?”, which Brian thought was quite a philosophical point for them to ponder whilst sitting on the asphalt of what would be the busiest section of road in the entire country.
He continued, some question why the Lord’s representative needs great riches but the Lord said to me – Raymond, oh by the way that is my middle name. God only ever uses middle names – that is what they’re for and before you ask, of course, those without one go straight to hell.
Which might seem a bit rough on those folks abandoned by the heavenly father but did the Lord not say unto Paul “Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right, here I am stuck with no middle name like you?”
A few members of the crowd got up and started to leave – it’s like he is just making stuff up they thought.
Which, he continued, is clearly a parable about those going to hell for only having a first name. Please be aware that we have forms available here to allow you to add a middle name, known only to the lord, for just six easy payments.
Anyway, he said Raymond – in my palace there are many rooms, and the grandest of them all is for you. And also did the Lord not say:
Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth?
Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth
They say in Heaven, love comes first
We'll make Heaven a place on Earth
Ooh, Heaven is a place on Earth
Which is unambiguous in its intention that I should enjoy the finest palace here on earth and the Lord does not mean for me to wait for my reward, unlike you.
More people began to leave; John who quite liked the MTV 80s channel was for the first time starting to have some doubts, he was pretty sure that wasn’t a bible quote unless it was from the lost Book of Belinda Carlisle.
I will be telling you soon of our plan to enter parliament. To be clear I do not seek a place in the Parliament for myself I have a higher calling than a parliamentarian I am God’s Money Counter – MC Tu Meke, the big fella spoke often of Money Counters in his book you’ll find.
The main purpose of our entering parliament is to ensure that our beloved church retains it’s tax-free status. We find the suggestion of our funds being redistributed to others un-Christian.
We have higher costs than other churches that don’t have the same earthly rewards prescribed by God, we simply cannot afford to share the funds we have.
Yours is not to question why, God doesn’t like questions and as his closest representative here on earth neither do I.
At which point Brian mounted his motorcycle and sped off southward on the empty motorway.
John walked home and wondered if he’d see himself on the News – now that would make it all worthwhile.
So good. So very, very good. Keep up the good work – you rock!
Will no one rid me of this turbulent priest ?