One year ago today Christopher Luxon, the man who would be our next Prime Minister, was elected leader of the National Party. This is a diary of the days before and after that election.
25th of November: Election day minus 5
Anything happen politically last night? Anything at all? Oh yeah Judith decided to press the red button and take the party down with her. Either it’s her party, or no one can have it.
Imagine throwing your main rival under the bus over comments from five years ago, comments that Jami-Lee Ross didn’t deem worthy of a mention when he was trying to take Simon down, comments dealt with by Bill English at the time. Your caucus stands back and says “there was no bus, you just pushed Simon over and he is looking mighty pissed off!”
Then you have to remind everyone there was a bus, you all saw it - unless someone would like to catch the next one! After the way Collins destroyed Todd Muller’s career over virtually nothing what a message this would have sent to the rest of her caucus, and it wasn’t that she was setting high standards.
Remember this is Judith Collins, best mate of Cameron Slater the dirtiest political operative in the history of NZ who will do anything to slander, threaten, and bring someone down. Her claims of high moral expectations rang just a little hollow. She promoted Michael Woodhouse who put a picture of Claire Curran on a toilet seat FFS.
There was a bit of a delay to Judith’s press conference, oh to have been a fly on the wall for that caucus meeting. Then just like that Judith was gone as leader, and no tears were shed. We knew her well and that was her downfall, 95% of the country recoiled in horror at what they saw.
Judith, like Muldoon to the last, will remain as a backbencher, no doubt to provide “constructive” support to her replacement.
After a four hour caucus meeting National were still unable to agree on a new leader – good to be united going forward. No doubt some interesting conversations between now and next Tuesday.
It’ll be interesting who puts their hand up. Luxon the evangelical – too early but does he risk it being years before he gets another chance? Bridges the social conservative – clearly wants it and might not get another chance. Mitchell the mercenary – you can’t be serious? None of them are exactly centrist, which is what National urgently need.
Take care all of you lovely people, such an outcome was always unlikely but I feel a sense of relief today knowing Judith Collins will never ever be the Prime Minister of this country. We’ll have business focused governments again that put profits before people but in terms of down right vindictive nastiness we dodged a bullet.
26th of November: Election Day minus 4
Let us spare a thought for the ex-leader of the opposition; I imagine it was a rough day.
Waking face down at her desk, a vague feeling that something went wrong yesterday. Dim memories of last night, a fist fight with Muller outside the Backbencher, singing Dancing Queen at karaoke.
Why is her mouth so dry, why haven’t her staff made her a cup of tea? Hang on - where are her staff? Oh My God she thinks – I didn’t get drunk and give them the day off did I?
Then she remembers more, that bloody David Seymour was at the karaoke, he kept coming up and suggesting she sing “My Way” then running off giggling. He always was a strange one.
There is a knock at the door, the entire Green Party caucus is there complete with Julie Anne Genter pregnant to full term – like a traveling nativity play. They hand her a mug of hemp tea, a hand drawn card wishing her well, and a self-help book “We’re all leaders in our own way” – bah she yells and slams the door on them.
She opens the door again snatches the tea from James, eyeballs Chloe and asks if she has anything stronger. They all look horrified – you don’t mean coffee do you? She slams the door again and sips the tea, it tastes like the smell of freshly cut grass. She can hear them through the door singing some weird secular Xmas song about Non-birthing Parent Christmas.
Then she sees the newspaper headline, she tips the tea into a plastic pot plant, and fills the mug with Rum. As the spirit enters her she starts to plot her revenge, curiously as images of three blokes in crowns with gifts for Julie Anne’s baby dance through her head – oh good grief she thinks it’s Simon, Chris, and the other one.
Take care all of you lovely people, especially anyone on Judith’s list.
28th of November: Election Day minus 3
John Key is busy doing the phones for Christopher Luxon…
Don’t worry [insert caucus member’s name, act as if you know who they are] your next leader has already been hand picked for you and a lot of money, support, and friendly media attention will be ensuring he gets elected, come along for the ride.
I’d like the leadership given to Chris, no unseemly contest; you do want to get back to winning don’t you? C’mon Chris is a blank slate - we can write whatever we want on him. Let us simply anoint him as the second coming.
Oh goodness no, I’m not talking about a resurrection, forget all that religious stuff you hear about Chris, he’ll forget it soon enough – each man has his price and I’m confident we’ll find Chris’ quite reasonable indeed.
Besides, his church is one of the “they shalt not, now make with the cash” variety, not one of those leftie “love the poor” ones. No, I’m talking about the second coming of me.
Oh, you meant the resurrection of Simon? Don't worry about that, just put him in touch with a couple of oil companies, reverse the ban on deep sea drilling, give him a top five ranking – and he’ll do exactly as he is told.
So I trust I, err I mean we, have your vote and NZ can get back to business just like when Chris was at Air NZ and I was Prime Minister. Maximising profits for the owners and incentivising workers to work as hard as possible for as little as possible – aspirational New Zealand.
28th of November: Election Day minus 2
I saw the interview with Jim Bolger this morning, a true elder statesman, as was Michael Cullen. The last National leader I had a modicum of respect for. Interesting to hear him call for a new party leader who would offer people hope, a vision for the future, and not just criticism of the government.
29th of November: Election Day minus 1
The NZ Herald rolled out the views of racism enthusiast, and darling of the angry wealthy white boomer set, Don Brash on the National leadership contest. This probably told us more about the Herald than anything.
Don says Simon could be quite good but he should do a deal with Chris if the latter has the numbers. He also offered his considered analysis as to what the problem was with Judith – “She was strong, she was clear. Something went wrong and I don't know what it was." – insightful stuff Don.
So this afternoon the National caucus met to try and agree on their new leadership. My guess would be Luxon - Leader and smug grins, Willis - Deputy, Housing, and death stares.
With a front bench of Bridges - Finance, Reti - Health, Stanford - Education, Bishop - Social Media, Mitchell - Police, Simeon Brown – IT Support, and the newly un-retired Todd Muller - spare white middle-aged bald man.
Take care all of you lovely people, especially Judith – I hope someone drew you a map to the farthest backbench, perhaps Simon. Oh and maybe an oxygen canister for the altitude.
30th of November: Election Day!
In a surprise to no one John’s boy was anointed as the second coming of Key. Once they were done with the holy oil he addressed the caucus “Thank you, I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve this” – and there was much head nodding.
He thought I’d better add a bit of humour and so continued “I’m grateful to Simon for withdrawing” he paused slightly before delivering the punch line “For goodness sake no one use that phrase in front of Jacqui Dean”.
There was a loud “ahem” from the crowd, Chris cringed and said “just lads having jokes Jacqui” before doing a fist pump of solidarity in Simon’s direction.
Then he addressed the media with his no doubt carefully considered catch phrase “it’s time to turn the page”. Utterly meaningless management speak 101, no doubt we’ll be pivoting and thinking outside the box in no time. We’ll be taking high level learnings, laying the foundations, so we can turn the tanker with a speedboat gear change!
What does it tell us about the talent pool National has that they chose someone who has only been an MP for one very undistinguished year? Like the kid brother who gets made head prefect because his brother was well liked by the masters even though junior has done nothing to stand out.
Certain cheerleaders in the media claim he has real charisma, but has anyone actually seen it? Anyone?
So what do we actually know about him? He voted against safe spaces for women around abortion clinics, and he opposed Euthanasia – ugh no thanks.
Take care all of you lovely people, especially the media trainers for the corporate evangelist from central casting – good luck with that.
1st of December: Election Day plus 1
It became clearer in his media appearances that our new saviour has arrived to advance the cause of “everyday New Zealanders”. You know the type - has a house or seven, keeps hearing the housing market is tough, but really is it? It just seems to keep going up, hard to lose in that sort of market mate.
He appreciates it can be hard for some just getting from A to B, tough choices are called for even over a small distance what with climate change and the cost of petrol, hmm Mercedes or BMW?
He knows not everyone is doing well at this game but really if there are no losers how can there be winners? The important thing, at the end of the day, is that we’re all given the same opportunities to succeed, some do and that should be the focus.
Kate Hawkesby is already quite smitten with the new leader, who would have thought she’d have a thing for vacuous shallow men who praise themselves far beyond their own ability?
So, what will the sleepy little hobbits decide after this extraordinary period? Will it be that we’ve reassessed what is important in life, it is community, it is whanau, it is looking after each other, and finding gratitude in the simple things in lIfe?
Or will it be, ok that’s over let’s get back to the game? Bit more leverage and another rental - you’d be a fool not to. That Jacinda was a good sort for a bit, felt like we were winning collectively, the team of five million was the best team - almost like when we’re the All Blacks. But this new guy really understands the game - let’s get back to it.
I reckon many people will hold lessons from this period (learnings in Luxon speak) of what really matters in this short existence we have, and the thought of going back to the Key years may not appeal to the degree National think.
Plus we can already see Luxon is not Key, a lot of kiwis thought yeah it’d be good to have a beer round the BBQ with John, I can’t imagine many are thinking that about Chris, he has all the charisma of that fish you wrapped in foil. All the character adding lemon and herbs in the world aren’t going to make you want to chat.
He might be more of a Brash, playing on prejudices and fears. You can already see Luxon latching on to the story of iwi up north threatening road blocks to keep the unvaccinated out. If he doesn’t see a bump in the polls I reckon by March he will be giving Orewa speeches, and sadly I suspect that will be fertile ground for him.
2nd of December: Election Day plus 2
Roe vs Wade is under threat in America, what is it with older conservative white men wanting to control what women are allowed to do? I guess we could ask Mr Luxon, he seems to have strong views on the matter of women’s rights.
Meanwhile the man of the moment appeared in Tauranga and declared we’re overcoming the PR and Spin and “unleashing enterprise in the New Zealand economy” – whatever the fuck that means.
He also said “turn the page” and “reset and we are back” a lot. He has the speaking talent of a CEO who is used to peddling any old bollocks to staff and being fawned over and applauded because he is the CEO.
Then he said Simon would be Finance spokesperson because he had a very big brain – good oh. He was very clear that no deal was made for Simon to accept the role and stand aside from the leadership contest – and no one at all believed he was telling the truth. It ackshuly was as if Key was back.
Makes me wonder how the days before and after the general election will be. Definitely a topic for another newsletter.
Ah yes, Charisma - there was a Mitsubishi car called that , and it had anything but that element, just like luxon........
We need a term limit for MP's say 3 terms and that's it you are out , having useless creatures like brownlee and collins for example hanging around for ever and ever is beyond a joke.
Siri: give me an example of a charisma free zone and one that has difficulty getting his lies right on more than one occasion. I find it incredible that this country would contemplate him as leader while we have the best leader ever, in my opinion, and one recognised as such around the world.