Deputy Dave

Are you ready for Seymour as NZ's number two?

All around in my home town
They're trying to track me down, yeah
They say they want to bring me in guilty
For the killing of a deputy
For the life of a deputy

Songwriter: Robert Nesta Marley.

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Assuming the position

Where do you stand on David Seymour?

I reckon the groin area, preferably with menacing heels - the footwear, I mean, not his caucus.

For some, he’s the man who says it like it is - if your worldview has fermented from the rancid comments section of the Newstalk ZB Facebook page.

Some think of him as the Minister of Twerping, which is how my mate Simon referred to his notorious dance moves on Dancing With the, surprisingly unfamiliar, ‘Stars’.

Simon also added, optimistically, “I think it's marvellous. Having a 12-year-old narcissist (who cannot be controlled by a weak and venal PM) in the deputy PM role should be what it takes for the Governor General to dissolve the government.” You’d sure like to think so.

To others, Seymour is the man who feeds our children mass-produced, low-quality slop so a global corporation can profit and, in the process, put local initiatives out of business.

Some might think gratefully of David’s work on the End of Life Choice Act, the only thing I recall him doing that I thought was good.

More recently, there were incidents like threatening to blow up the Ministry of Pacific Peoples, the sort of words Trump uses to dehumanise people and suggest the unthinkable.

Mind you, the Pasifika community got off lightly with him only wanting to blow up a building; for Māori, our tangata whenua, Seymour wants to set fire to the Treaty.

Ignoring his latest behaviour, which we’ll come to, it’s that Treaty Principles Bill with which most Kiwis currently associate Seymour.

Pointless, divisive legislation that almost nobody asked for and nobody needed. Stoking the ugliest seams of racism in our country so that Seymour gets to look obnoxious for his baying supporters on the evening news.

Yeah, let’s make that guy the Deputy PM of New Zealand.

Image: BeFunky.

We’re doing that at the end of May, which suddenly feels very close.

Under the coalition’s agreement, David Breen Seymour will assume the position of deputy PM from the 31st of May, replacing his nemesis, Winston Peters.

A changing of the guard. Gen Y’s Seymour, who more than fulfils every millennial stereotype, replaces Winston Raymond Peters, our last leader of the “silent generation” born between 1928 and 1945.

Winston was an MP before Seymour was even conceived, although, to be fair, that’s true of 70% of us, with only 30% of us being older than 45.

So, why are so many feeling apprehensive about this man becoming New Zealand’s number two?

I do appreciate that referring to our soon-to-be deputy leader as a “number two” is a tad juvenile and a bit on the nose. My apologies; that particular comparison is probably better applied to his school lunches. They look as though they’ve already been digested and the nutrients removed.

Jacinda was right.

How much do we really know about the man who will soon be 2IC of Aotearoa? Is he a misunderstood advocate for libertarianism who has gotten a bad rap, or is he an arrogant prick, as Jacinda said?

The evidence seems to back Ardern’s point of view. You’d have to imagine it’d be hard to find anyone who disagrees, even within his coalition. I'm sure some of his colleagues, particularly his boss, Christopher, agree strongly privately.

So you have a general acceptance all the way from an excellent PM, right the way down to the most disappointing “leader” of our country we’ve seen. Luxon probably wishes he’d never met the man, much less conjugated a relationship with him. Although you don’t need to be a politician to feel like that, right?

I’m not suggesting that any of us, that you, wish the man ill, but I’m sure pretty much everyone that reads this, or in fact reads anything on a regular basis that runs to more than a slogan, wishes they’d never even heard of the guy.

On my page, Andrew suggested that some Shakespearean insults might help. “Away, you three-inch fool!” “Either thou art ignorant by age / Or thou wert born a fool” “Thou art a very ragged wart.” "Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage.” “He has not so much brain as ear-wax.” I can see how those would help.

Ill-advised letters, comments, and use of a motor vehicle.

As for his latest misdemeanour and rapidly concocted stunt of distraction, the result has been a slap on the wrist and a punch in the face of the last vestiges of Christopher Luxon’s credibility as a leader. His soon-to-be number two openly criticising him and refusing to apologise. Seymour is out of control and lacks any sort of oversight.

You’ve probably read all about Seymour’s letter in support of Polkinghorne prior to the latter being charged with murder, which Luxon described as ill-advised.

The combative Seymour returned serve and said of his own Prime Minister’s criticism:

“No, and my response to that is what's ill-advised is commenting when you don't know all the facts and criticising a local MP for doing their work, which is standing up for their constituents.

He's entitled to say that, but I would say that before criticising a local MP for doing their job, you should know all the facts.”

Which is quite something. You can’t say the Prime Minister’s comments are ill-advised and keep your job; it doesn’t work that way. Not if the boss is in charge.

Seymour said of the disagreement that it was healthy to have different views. This made me think: if it’s okay to disagree and assuming that what’s good for this goose is also good for his supposed handler, why doesn’t Christopher Luxon give it a try?

He might even sound like a leader rather than a disinterested party to some of the most repugnant legislation considered by our parliament in a very long time.

C’mon Luxon, Seymour is happy to criticise your comments and policies, so why not come right out and say that his Treaty Principles Bill is a disaster? A complete bunch of dingo kidneys.

That it’s against the country's interests; there is no issue to solve, and it’s just playing to poorly informed people with shallow arguments mirroring their prejudices. Or to put it another way, Seymour’s bill is like treating an open wound with sewage.

Even NZ First supporters would agree that’s no way to treat an infection, and they’re no fans of expert medical advice.

We're Taking This Bloody Truck To Parliament.

As for the tactic that followed with the Land Rover and the steps of parliament, just how easily distracted does Seymour think his supporters are?

Hmm, perhaps don’t answer that.

Don't look over there at the 'Three Strikes' party leader writing letters to get wealthy white people off before they're charged, look at the grinning gimp driving a truck up the stairs of parliament...

Attempting to drive up the steps of Parliament places more pressure on the PM to rein in the ACT Party leader. (Source: 1News)

An idiotic stunt, reminiscent of Bill English in a tractor. Monday evening on the news, he claimed to be unaware he wasn’t allowed to do so, and then last night, the video was shown of him being informed of exactly that prior to the attempt.

David Seymour is making himself look dishonest, openly criticising the Prime Minister and dividing the country with an ugly campaign undermining decades of progress.

What more does he have to do for Christopher Luxon to take action? Stand behind him at photo ops, making bunny ear symbols?

Yesterday, Chris Hipkins asked the Prime Minister the following in parliament:

“Does he stand by his comment that David Seymour has not breached the Cabinet Manual given the Cabinet Manual says that Ministers must conduct themselves in a manner appropriate to their office, "are expected to act lawfully, and are seen to uphold the highest ethical and behavioural standards, including good judgment, given recent revelations that David Seymour intervened in a police murder investigation, referred a sexual abuse survivor to an ACT Party lawyer rather than to the police, and, just yesterday—potentially illegally—attempted to drive a Land Rover up the front steps of Parliament?”

Where to now for the coalition?

Luxon has to do something; the three most recent polls indicate an advantage to the left - which is surely not where he wants to be approaching halftime in his first term.

It is unsustainable to continue as is, let alone promote a man who acts as if he is already in charge to deputy and acting Prime Minister when Luxon is absent from the country, which is an awful lot.

A rival who has been flexing his independence in a most non-collegial way before even taking the role.

If Luxon doesn’t want to spend the rest of his short career grinning and bearing Seymour, he must do something. C’mon, Christopher, sacking people seems to be about the only thing you’re good at - and David reckons you’re not even doing that enough.

Prime Minister, you owe it to the nation, after all your government has done, especially those things initiated by ACT. Making Seymour your number two would add insult to an injured public and offer the fox the keys to the hen house.

The Inevitable collapse.

Many thought the coalition’s collapse would come from Winston and Seymour’s shared animosity for each other and competition for the same group of voters who are easily swayed by simplistic slogans that play on fears or hatred but don’t stand up to close examination

Seymour might argue that he would’ve gone into bat for any constituent with that Polkinghorne letter, but I highly doubt it. Not unless you’re well-to-do, well-known, or doing so might score him a headline. It’s hard to reconcile the person Seymour constantly reveals himself to be with the image of a local MP helping people.

The problem they have, as the relationship deteriorates, is that neither ACT nor National has anywhere else to go.

National’s only other viable coalition partner, assuming TOP doesn’t make it into parliament, is NZ First, and they’re sinking towards 5% in the polls, which means they will soon throw their toys in disagreement with their coalition partners in order to remain relevant.

As for Seymour, there are no other cabs on the rank. There’s absolutely no chance that Labour, the Greens or Te Pāti Māori would work with him in a governing arrangement. So, National is the only game in town for ACT, and you’d think he’d show them a bit more respect.

At some point, Winston will yank back the hand brake on foreign investment or privatisation and stare Luxon down, just as Seymour seems to be doing.

Neither man seems to have any respect for Luxon. To be fair, why would they? Despite their other faults, Seymour and Peters are far better politicians than Luxon and will remain long after the PM has returned to the ATLAS mother ship, his mission complete.

Now we wait to see how much longer Seymour will continue to make Luxon look foolish and whether the Prime Minister learned anything battling his way to the top of middle management in the cut and thrust of the North American deodorant market. Something that might result in an unveiling of previously unseen feats of leadership and backbone.

I hate to say it, but my money’s on Seymour.

A newsletter on David Seymour doesn’t deserve a musical performance this good. Here’s Ren with I Shot the Sheriff. It’s phenomenally good - and the future of music is in good hands, even if our country isn’t.

Have a good Wednesday, all you lovely people.