Fat Bottom Girls

Tell the government to kiss 'em where the sun don't shine.

Are you gonna take me home tonight?
Oh, down beside that red firelight
Are you gonna let it all hang out?
Fat bottomed girls
You make the rockin' world go 'round

Songwriter: Brian May.

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Bottom.

What does that word make you think of?

For the last few years, it’s been part of a familiar phrase our Prime Minister uses when he thinks of the poor. Bottom Feeders, that’s how our leader sees those upon the lowest economic rungs in this country.

When he says bottom, he isn’t using one of the many synonyms for your bum; he simply sees these people as being lowdown, an untouchable caste within society, an inconvenience he occasionally considers when the cameras are rolling.

When he refers to feeding he doesn’t mean that the poor are chowing down on ass, that would be ironic given the extent of that during coalition negotiations, when Luxon revealed himself to have more appetite for such dining than many of us credited him for.

Winston Peters (left) and David Seymour shake hands at the signing of the coalition deal. Photo: NZ Herald.

Christopher revealed himself as a champion ass kisser, a consumer of derrière par excellence. And it continues with Seymour’s rear, although no word on whether any twerking took place, over the Regulatory Standards Bill, support for which is dwarfed by the margin of error.

Submitters oppose David Seymour’s regulation law. Why he’s charging forward anyway

“A just-released summary of feedback found 88% of submitters opposed the bill, with just 0.33% supporting or partially supporting it. The rest didn’t have a clear position.”

So, that’s a pretty low level of support, even for an ACT bill.

That’s the equivalent of having 300 people in a hall and only one person who supports it, and let’s be honest - that person is probably David. Still, we’re getting off topic, this is a newsletter about bottoms, not assholes.

I should probably say that if you feel such references to our soon-to-be deputy PM are a bit on the nose:

1. Have you seen what he’s been up to? That would be one of the more polite terms that came to mind.

2. This might not be the newsletter for you. Come back tomorrow when I’ll write about standing in the rain outside of Brooke Van Velden’s office, and the terminology will be quite different.

Bottoms come in all shapes and sizes; some have extra padding, although never sufficient for a bicycle seat, while others are more petite.

We’ve all got them, they’re not so precious that you should hoard all the toilet paper in a pandemic - that’s a right asshole of a thing to do.

They are important, though, and if you need to, you should definitely get a camera stuck up yours to see if everything is ok. Go on, they’ll even give you a nice drink to have beforehand that you wouldn’t have at any other time, which leads to a fun game of “just how empty can I get?”

Perhaps you think of Bottom, the British sitcom of the early 90s starring Rik Mayall as Richard "Richie" Richard and Adrian Edmondson as Edward Elizabeth "Eddie" Hitler.

Wouldn’t you love to have been in the room when the two great comedians decided to call Edmondson’s character “Edward Hitler”? I bet they laughed their asses off.

As you might, if you watch these bloopers of the live show:

The bottom can also represent the lowest point you cannot fall below. Rock Bottom, the point at which an alcoholic might have a moment of clarity, the lowest ebb in undesirable behaviour. And there is nought less desirable than that.

The good news is we’ll probably see Rock Bottom from this government in two weeks, on budget day. And what an austere and unpleasant low that will be, much as is forecast outside of Ms van Velden’s office tomorrow, meteorologically speaking.

So that's good, eh?

A couple more weeks of stinkers from the coalition and then they’ll begin their resurrection to popularity with less ass kicking and more butt kissing. You might even see Nicola Willis smile, but don’t look directly, a shiny surface for reflection is your best bet - if you want to save your ass.

That can’t happen soon enough because some of us aren’t laughing and suspect we might be the butt of the joke. People are even saying it on TV:

An instant hero, who spoke for so many as the government took a dump on the sort of people who sometimes have to wipe butts, but sure don’t have to kiss theirs.

Noel said: “Nek minnit, a Kiwi classic in the making. Safer Communities Together”.

Clare: “I bloody needed a good laugh after the last two days, and she was brilliant.”

If you missed it, here it is:

Joking aside, Dorothy put things in perspective, saying, “Care workers have one of the toughest jobs there is. In the two years I visited my husband in care, I saw plenty of care and genuine love from his carers.”

As did Ria, who noted, “... and she added that there are women working three jobs to feed their families.”

Our government should be on its knees thanking these workers and sorting out their pay, not sitting on its gluteus maximus and telling them not to ask for more.

As Patrida said, “These women are the real deal. They do such demanding jobs, and they advocate boldly for their colleagues.”

The comment caused a strong reaction online, striking a nerve for many who have had enough of this government’s crap. Maybe we should all be adding it to our vocabulary kit bag?

You can even use it in conjunction with other memorable phrases, for example, “Mr Luxon, what I would say to you is…” I’m sure you get the drift.

I posted this morning: “The government can kiss my fat ass too, how about yours, however large it might be?”

Leonie said, “Brilliant! Say it loud and clear! Make a great protest poster.” Debbie declared she was her new hero—and so say all of us.

Karn suggested T-shirts, although I’m not sure if this is what she had in mind:

Image: BeFunky.

Again, things were put in perspective, this time by Maree, who said:

“My heart breaks for these women and their colleagues - doing amazing jobs - each day I think ‘how much more damage can this coalition do?’ but each day they surpass the previous. They are inhumane, a piece of black coal where their hearts should be. We must remember that every female MP in the coalition voted for this. Shame on all of them.”

That’s probably sufficient butt cracks for one day. Have a good Thursday lovely people, and here’s hoping for highly effective colonic irrigation at the next election.

There was only one song choice today, Freddie with Fat Bottom Girls - they make the world go round, don’t you know?

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Ngā mihi,
Nick.