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Friendly cabin crew with no piloting ambitions required.

Generally the composition of a party list wouldn’t be of that much interest but one of our major parties, National, will likely bring in around 30 brand new MPs at the next election - possibly to form the next government.

A full quarter of MPs in the next parliament will be brand new National MPs, a party seemingly undergoing a civil war for control between the socially conservative religious fundamentalists and the more liberal, business friendly branch.

Like all parties rebuilding National will have current MPs they want to move on, and as 2020 was a low point for their vote they will surely get a lot more MPs next time. With as many as 30 new MPs it will be fascinating to see the composition of their list.

The National team after the 2020 election.

Quite a few National MPs resignations have already been announced David Bennett, Ian McKelvie, Jacqui Dean, etc. But also look at the remaining poor performers that they will want to put a very long way down the list.

Hipango, Pugh, and Lee for starters - they can hardly afford to reduce non white male representation on their list but the first two are so hopeless, and the last one so down right nasty,  it really does look like they can only be there for diversity purposes.

Not only that but there are also people like Muller, Woodhouse, Brownlee, Collins, Kuriger, and Bayly whose time has surely come and gone. These people are not the future and could well be learning of their pending resignations in the next twelve months.

Will National be tempted to add some ex MPs high on their list? They will certainly be very short on ministerial experience if they win next year. Surely they can talk Nikki Kaye into returning; she would be a welcome addition to their front bench in terms of talent, experience, and coherency.

You’ve got to think Paula Bennett’s time is done, going there would be a huge backwards step for them such is the baggage she would bring. Although perhaps it is the only way to end that god awful charades show she presents showing the sort of acting ability and facial gestures that suggests not all her demons were exorcised when she left parliament.

It will also be fascinating post election to see where the balance of the National Party caucus sits between the religious fundamentalists and those more centrist, and by centrist I mean those with 1950s views as opposed to medieval ones.

In recent times we’ve seen Simon O’Connor on social media celebrating the restriction of women’s health rights and this week their energy spokesperson Stuart Smith championing a lobbyist for the continued use of fossil fuel. Both men holding views which would fit in well on Fox New or in the New Conservatives.

You think these two men posted these challenging things that will appeal to the hard right of the party just to be dicks? Well that is entirely possible but they seem to be there to guide New Zealand in the direction of their god - whether we like it or not.

The guy on Fox News Stuart Smith posted about is like the scumbags who still pushed cigarettes ignoring any downside in favour of the upside, except for coal and oil.

I mean the National Party does have an ex tobacco lobbyist like Chris Bishop but that doesn’t mean they need to post their admiration for the spawn of Satan, even if they’re a fan, or a colleague.

So how are they going to fill this list? Many organisations are currently struggling for top talent in a competitive market, and you’ve got to imagine their Glassdoor reviews are pretty average based on the experiences of ex employees.

Will it be more business acolytes, more religious acolytes, or maybe an overdue nod to diversity? They are currently about as diverse as an Apartheid era Springboks team. Not 100% white but with very few selections, reluctantly made no doubt, that aren’t.

A large chunk of the composition of the next parliament is going to be decided not by voters but by local selection committees, the sort of people who selected Sam Uffindell. It is going to be a battle royale to get on that list – bankers, corporate representatives, lawyers – people from of all walks of life.

Celebs of course who have been putting their hands up as clear National Party sycophants through Covid will be in high demand. They won’t want a list with dozens of people no one has ever heard of – including the local community eh Sam?

Hard to be certain if these celebs are party faithful, or just a bit obsessed with seeing their name in the media but the likes of Ian Taylor, Russell Coutts, and that guy from the Rocket company that wants his employees to work themselves into the ground because it’s a boys-own kiwi space adventure - for US military purposes.

Russell Coutts would be ideal, he has already proven it is all about him, not about the success of NZ, and when it comes to success enough is never enough even if you have to sell out your nation, your team, and all who got you there.

Also the plastic bag millionaire from the Waikato, that er guy who actually sued Glassdoor to find out which individual(s) had provided the anonymous feedback on them as employers. Presumably this was to thank them for their constructive advice.

Either that or it’s just another wealthy white man with a god complex. Allegedly, I guess – that plastic bag mogul seems kind of litigious.

Then there is Luxon himself, what the hell are his social media advisors telling him that he jumped straight from the Te Puke condominium to schilling Coke Zero Sugar online? I mean keep doing it - but seriously WTAF?

Forget the hockey jersey that no one else is wearing and looks disturbing like it has certain insignia, forget the lack of wearing a mask - despite the venue rules saying people should, what the heck is going on here?

Did some junior social media staffer decide the best way to disassociate him from a Hawaiian beach holiday was to show him dressed for the cold and ice with only a box of chips to keep him warm. Note not even a punnet like normal people have, but a box?

Luxon is so blatantly in the role because he is a middle aged white man in a suit, and not due to merit, it is comical. His deputy, much as I detest her political views, clearly has more relevant experience, more ability in the debating chamber, and doesn’t melt under questioning as fast as an ice sculpture on the surface of the sun like her boss.

Why, for example, would a woman be keen to join that list and support a leader who is so blatantly there because of the old boy network while a more capable female is his deputy?

Why would someone give up something they were successful at, maybe even enjoying, to become Christopher Luxon cabin crew?

The world has moved on, the time of BoJo and ScoMo and JoKey is gone. Low tax, do-nothing, Tories are what got us into this mess with under investment in infrastructure and social services, growing inequality, and just ignoring climate change.

The next period of government is going to be challenging and based on the last week I think you’d be hard pushed to find many people who think Luxon is showing he is the person for the job, even if they want a change in government.

When it comes to the voting booth will people seriously want Christopher Luxon leading our country through whatever hardships are ahead, representing us on the international stage, and bringing us all together in the event of something bad happening?

The flip flopping, the inability to convincingly sell a message of greed to the people who will have to pay for the rich having more through austerity, must have some of his caucus considering not only what happens if he loses but damn - what happens if they win? Let alone those people who might be considering putting their name forward as candidates.

He screams middle management mediocrity that rose beyond that because he was willing to do things other people would balk at. He isn’t the first person elevated in the business world due to that, but it does not make him suited to be leader of a country, which even if you want small government is still a different role than maximizing profits at a corporation.

I still think the most likely outcome in 2023 is a narrow win to Labour in coalition with the Greens. Nicola Willis then taking over National with Chris Bishop as her deputy dog, and them winning the 2023 election - and that outcome is possibly even scarier than Luxon’s ineptitude and general lack of a plan.

Christopher clearly just wants his ego stroked, to smile and wave and be popular, like Uncle John – but Nicola, Nicola means it and if she gets hold of this country – we won’t know what has hit us.

It will be interesting who is on that list; either way there are going to be an awful lot of new unknown MPs on the blue side later next year.