Luxon's New Groove

Unleashing the economy. At what expense, and why wait til now?

Don't try to hide it; love wears no disguise
I see the fire burning in your eyes

Song: Madonna and Stephen Bray

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This week, the National Party held its annual retreat to devise new slogans, impressing the people who voted for them and making the rest of us cringe at the hollow words, lack of progress, and appallingly obvious ulterior motives.

Many of you probably think it’s about time for a retreat. They’ve been offensive enough with last year's blitzkrieg, and God or someone really needs to Defend New Zealand from their attacks.

The Prime Minister gave the nation a hint as to what they would be focusing on without giving away any of the details of the secret sauce…

Yes, as you know, the government has decided that having spent 2024 trying to kill the economy with cuts to jobs and spending, it now wants to stop throttling it and would like the Kiwi public to stand there like the naive younger sibling looking into the end of a garden hose as their mean-spirited elder takes their foot off it.

Yes, even though rule #1 in politics is “It’s the economy, stupid,” they’ve only decided to make it a focus now that they’re almost halfway through their term.

To be fair, borrowing for tax cuts and slashing the public sector are quite time-consuming, and people have a habit of asking awkward questions like, “Are you mad? Haven’t you thought of the long-term effects on the economy?”

Which is just rude when you think about it: the National Party doesn’t think long-term. I mean, c’mon, do their actions look like those of a government that is interested in the future?

For goodness sake, they just eliminated Callaghan Innovation, a really important funding source for Research and Development in Aotearoa. If we care about the future, we should be focused on that.

As the government shifts the focus of funding, Lucy Stewart, co-president of the New Zealand Association of Scientists, said, “The message to scientists from this government is clear: they are expected to be a source of revenue rather than working for the public good, and anything they do that isn’t directly linked to economic gain is of little interest.”

It's just another feel-good moment from your coalition government, but not to worry. Now that Christopher Luxon says they have sorted out the cost of living, they’ll take a look at the economy and see if they can’t work their magic there too.

Inevitably, there was a slogan to show they meant business:

I reposted it, asking, “Was it shackled in a basement last year? Why wait until now to ‘unleash’ the economy? Who comes up with these idiotic phrases?” Below are some of the comments in response:

Chris: “They dug a big hole and tossed the economy in it. Tying it up as well seems overkill.”

Mary: “He needs to talk to small businesses and see how much they’re struggling.”

Gus: “Um … why was it leashed in the first place?”

Debbie: “It was labour’s fault. They wouldn’t let us.”

Honestly, if I were leading a government and we’d forgotten about the economy for more than a year, especially in such uncertain economic times, I’m not sure I’d boast about having a late, great revelation that we ought to give it a go.

Christopher Luxon assembled an audience and delivered a State of the Nation speech.

The State of the Nation.

“Today, I’m here to talk about the economy and almost nothing else”, began the PM to make it clear that this was his tippy top, laser-guided priority, even though he’d dropped the ball on it in 2024.

He continued, “I’m up for action because corporate showdowns too often look and feel like a staged wrestling match.”

This apparently related to tackling excessive profit-taking and anti-competitive behaviours among supermarkets and banks. I’m sure they’re shaking, but it made me wonder if competition for the party leadership was becoming rather more robust in light of recent polls.

Christopher Luxon delivers his State of the Nation. Image: One News.

Despite Eden Park having hosted many more concerts in recent years, Christopher said they should just hold as many as they like and stuff the neighbours.

It was unclear whether this was entirely due to Helen Clark being a local resident or whether he might feel similarly if it were Remuera, but there was no need to worry. With all of this, it’s merely freeform thinking, laying it out outside the box and throwing it against the wall to see if some of it sticks or something.

The primary deliverable was Invest NZ, a one-stop shop for fast-tracking the selling of ourselves, or what Luxon prefers to call “investment.” Hurrah! We’re back to John Key’s economy, and we can all get rich by selling our country.

A brilliant, if one-time-only, solution, and if Luxon can just twist Winston’s arm, he can open things up for residential property as well and keep the old housing pyramid scheme afloat. House prices have been falling, and we can’t have that now, can we?

So the plan for economic growth is pretty much throwing the doors open to overseas money, pissing off Mt Eden residents, re-arranging science funding to focus on commercial goals, exploiting the heck out of the environment, oh and hoping that after we’ve done that, tourists still want to come and see the place.

Mind you, he could’ve saved time if he’d just pained a picture instead. This one pretty much sums things up…

I especially like the way that Emmerson has included the new Tourism & Hospitality Minister, Louise Upston, in the painting in his cartoon. That’s the face she makes as she announces more severe crackdowns on beneficiaries, even as her Finance Minister's policies result in further job losses and company closures.

I don’t know which is more far-fetched: that Louis Upston is the face to welcome people to New Zealand, or, given her track record of economic shrinkage, that Nicola Willis is the person to bring growth.

Following the State of the Nation, Newstalk ZB wanted to say that their man had found his mojo and gotten his groove on, but their headline this morning made it sound like he’d headed for the hills.

Or at least a small cluster of trees where he could hide from those keen to reshuffle him - in the party's interests.

I’d be careful hanging around in forest groves, mate. Your Minister Shane Jones could send in the bulldozers any minute. Listen quietly. Can you hear him singing “Drill Baby Drill”? Of course, you can’t, not over the sound of those chainsaws.

Despite the fact that I’m taking the piss out of a typo that says “grove” rather than “groove”, which is nowhere near as bad as stating that a person was a Catholic Minister when they were nothing of the sort (this will make no sense if you didn’t read yesterday’s email), Francesca had some surprising things to say, considering this is ZB:

“There will be push-back to some of his ideas, such as mining and gene technology. Making money is one thing, but many New Zealanders will still want the government to balance their pragmatic approach with consideration and respect for affected communities, the environment, and the Treaty.

There is also a perhaps wishful sense from the Prime Minister that tax cuts, lower inflation and a falling OCR mean New Zealanders can move on from focusing on the cost of living. I doubt he’ll be let off the hook that easily, rises in rent, rates, insurances, and other costs are still impacting household budgets.”

I can’t quite believe I’m saying this, but I agree with the lady from ZB.

We all want the economy to thrive; it defines our standard of living and enables the government to provide the services we need. However, I think many Kiwis, including those who aren’t tree-hugging greenies, will be concerned about the environmental cost of removing any constraints or regulations, which, if we’re honest, is what “unleashing the economy” really means.

If Luxon truly thinks he has resolved the cost of living, then that just shows how removed from reality Mr. Wealthy and Sorted, the $60 grocery man, really is.

What do you make of all this? Perhaps you were slightly more interested in what the Labour leader had to say following their retreat?

Was it a nice surprise to learn that the cost of living has been solved? Will Christopher now be the leader to sort out the anti-competitive behaviour of our largest corporations? Does he think we’ll believe anything?

Will some people, in fact, believe anything?

I’ll see you in the comments section. Have a great day, all you lovely people. I’m especially thinking today of those who have been working for Callaghan Innovation. It was a good thing for our country, and it’s a real shame to see it go.

Thanks very much for reading Nick’s Kōrero today; if you’d like to subscribe, you can save 20% for the first year, and if you’d like to share this, you’re most welcome to. 🙂

This version is quite different to Madonna’s original. It's probably best not to imagine Christopher singing it, but feel free. 🙂