Madman Across the Water

Dire Straits and Downtown Code Brown.

I can see very well
There's a boat on the reef with a broken back
And I can see it very well
There's a joke and I know it very well
It's one of those that I told you long ago
Take my word I'm a madman, don't you know

Songwriters: Bernie Taupin / Elton John

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It was the best of times; it was the worst of times… Hmm, I’m not so sure about the first part of that. But this is a tale of two cities. Well, two harbours really.

One the inside of our largest city, the glistening city of sails, recently declared open for swimming at Wayne Brown’s house. The other, an often tumultuous outer, stretching to the other island, traversed by craft nearing their best before date with no reinforcements coming. The cavalry cancelled in the dash of a pen by a Finance Minister heavy on wielding power but light on bearing consequences.

Rocking and rolling in the channel…

It would be unreasonable to blame every issue with our maritime transport on Willis simply because she cancelled the existing Ferry plans. Similarly, it would be unfair to hold Mark Mitchell responsible for every crime or for a twelve-year-old being told they can’t wear a t-shirt on Christmas Day, just because he claimed he would take action and stop gang members intimidating the public.

And yet, sometimes life isn’t fair… and there was more bad news pertaining to Cook Strait ferries, even during the holidays.

Poor Nicola probably thought she had solved the crisis by handing it to someone else. Yet, as the architect of our misfortune, with no tangible plan in place, she continues to carry the can. It had all looked so promising.

She handed off ministerial responsibility to Winston, who eagerly accepted the chalice. Peters might have missed out on being the Māori Muldoon, as had seemed his destiny, but he knows how to think big and talk big.

Delivering big might be another matter, but there is always someone else to blame: ACT, National—heck, why not even Labour? The media is happy to pointing the finger in that direction without much in the way of facts to back it up.

Meanwhile, Nicola herself was happy. She reduced the budget to something compatible with her current plan of splurging on tax cuts while running up more debt.

Whether actual boats can be purchased for the amount of money - that’s someone else’s issue now as far as she is concerned. She has verified that it is theoretically possible to procure ferries for that sum - what more do people want? Actual boats?

Seymour is happy because the whole situation is to be wrapped up in a new company ripe and ready for privatisation. It may just need a little deregulation to become a viable commercial proposition. We can't allow Nanny State to interfere in business by imposing all these worst-case measures—you know, lifeboats and other health and safety regulations that are almost never actually necessary.

Despite all of this, I’m sure I’m not the only one who associates Nicola Willis with every new story about our ferries having problems, even if it’s the weather. But is that fair?

Yesterday, I posted the following on Facebook and Twitter; it seemed others had about the same amount of sympathy for Mrs Willis as I did.

Debbie: “Well, they like to blame Jacinda and Grant and Labour in general for everything so meh...”

Doug: “Not me but the Korean Ferry deal will never be reached again. Willis has totally stuffed up cancelling this supply contract. Changing the new port side regulations would have been more financially prudent.”

Christian: “I think she brought this on herself because it was a rash and stupid action on her part.

She shouts people down and talks herself up as some kind of financial expert, but all she is, is that horrendous kid at school that won arguments by yelling louder than anyone else.

She's a spoilt brat with a false sense of her competence , and she shrieks like a cornered rat, striking out at anyone who points out her failings, which are many.”

While some of the comments were lighthearted about this particular incident of cars moving about the deck and getting damaged, people have real concerns over what happens if something goes really wrong.

The crossing can be treacherous, combined with a tired fleet and little urgency to replace it, doesn’t seem like a recipe for success or any sort of plan you would expect a responsible government to run with.

Even National supporters who are loyal but always eager to complain must be wondering what sort of solution the country is going to get and whether this is Nicola’s shortlist for replacements:

While it is a bit too much to blame the weather on Willis, there will be no lack of pointing the finger her way if we end up with a disaster. If an old ferry fails or sinks, with the loss of life, and there is still no sign of the replacement ferries that the Labour government had appropriately arranged, then it will all be on her.

Stay out of the Water

Perhaps wanting to avoid being seen as someone who never delivers, Mayor Wayne Brown gifted the residents of Tamaki Makaurau a new swimming pool this Christmas. This sounds pretty awesome and unlike something he would do, until you consider what was delivered…

Unfortunately, as he doesn’t believe in spending money on nice things, the “pool” is a roped-off area in the harbour. You know the one. At this time of year, it often appears in newspapers with little skull and crossbones symbols to let Aucklanders know the best swimming spots.

Despite not building anything, the Mayor named the new facility after himself: “Browny’s Pool.” However, the mayor is not as entirely divorced from reality as he appears (hold that thought). In his Christmas message, he rode a paddle board on the surface rather than touching the water in the harbour.

Honestly, the only way he could have seemed like a bigger tosser would have been if he’d been riding a jet ski. Still, staying out of the water was smart, as things were about to go to Code Brown in Browny’s Pool.

Alas, Wayne Brown’s great civic gift, which cost ratepayers half a million dollars, only lasted a few days before a health warning was issued. Former councillor Sandra Coney said it was a “useless, dangerous, redundant facility,” presumably referring to the pool and not the mayor’s brain.

Needless to say, Wayne was not a happy mayor, although, to be fair, he does seem to be pretty grumpy most of the time. I imagine you would, too, if you had to put a brave face on that record.

Image: BeFunky.

His pool received a second red pin on Safeswim, indicating “levels of faecal bacteria or toxic algae bloom above swimming guidelines”. The mayor said that was computer modelling, “which can mean anything” because we know that to folks like Mayor Brown, scientific advice is just an inconvenience to be belittled.

Then he added, “Remember the computer modelling that said 20mm of rain in January 2023 when we actually got 400mm, and I got blamed for the flooding.” Showing even less ability to read the room than usual.

One more time, Wayne. Nobody blamed you for the rain or the flooding - it was your utter ineptitude as a leader that people were concerned about. Sitting in your office waiting on IT support for your iPad as people literally died, and you sent messages about having to miss your tennis match.

Besides, the water sampling isn’t just a model but is based on actual water samples from the location. However, these cannot be practically done in real-time, so the scientists have to work with data collected over the preceding 48 hours.

To be clear, “Safeswim uses real-time data on rainfall, wind, and other environmental factors to simulate water quality at each beach. The water quality estimates are updated at least every 15 minutes.”

It’s also worth noting that the location of Wayne’s pool is “was near the bottom of the 130 or so beaches tested, which found 17 beaches were swimmable 100% of the time, eight were swimmable 99% of the time, and most were swimmable 90% or more of the time.”

Wayne has built his pool in a location that is only swimmable 85% of the time. I wonder what he knows about ferries.

Quite why anyone would vote for Brown again is beyond me? His leadership has proven hopeless in a crisis; our infrastructure gets worse, services are cut, and yet rates continue to rise substantially, and he is obnoxious and rude. It’s hard to know what the appeal is.

Although, to be fair, he did manage to turn on the old Wayne Brown charm in this message to voters:

While we are stuck with the central government until 2026, we’re about to enter an election year for local councils. Last time, an anti-Jacinda sentiment was in play, so it will be interesting to see if there's any backlash against right-wing mayors like Wayne Brown after another year of this coalition government.

It’ll also be interesting to see who emerges, there are some really excellent councillors in Auckland who could do the job well. Personally I have a lot of time for Richard Hills on the North Shore or Shane Henderson out here in West Auckland.

I’m not just talking about Tamaki Makaurau either. It would be bloody great to see the likes of Craig Jepson given the boot in Kaipara. What about you? Is there a mayor or a council in your area that you’d like to see the back of, or are they doing a good job and ought to be left to get on with it?

Looks as if it is going to warm up to a pretty good day here in Auckland although I don’t think I’ll be checking out Code Brown’s Pool. Hope it’s a good one wherever you are, and take care all you lovely people. 🙂

It might seem like sacrilege to some of you to include a cover of this song, rather than the original, but I think it’s a rather good one, hope you like it.