The great and smiley leader stood in front of the lectern ready to give his victory speech. He was gazing at the gigantic images of himself projected on the screens behind him. He looked powerful, in command, he thought but he was concerned that the cameras were making it look as if he had an enormous head.
This was his first kill, he had coordinated the attacks, and now the people would see what strength looked like. The head was really bothering him, Jesus did he really look like that to other people? It was like seeing Rob Muldoon projected, this cheered him up a bit.
He’d seen the way Melissa had run the attacks against that Curran woman in the previous parliament, relentless attacks until she had crumbled destroyed before the nation. He felt the blood coursing through him, it hasn’t been personal, heck it hadn’t even been based on performance, but they had identified an opening and exploited it - such is leadership he thought.
All those who had claimed he wasn’t ready for the cut and thrust of parliament, and now he stood before the nation having taken down the Police Minister.
He imagined himself as a Roman Emperor able to raise or lower his thumb to seal the fate of lesser mortals. And this had been the perfect head to take – covering the three things supporters were most concerned about Law and Order, Maori privilege, and for many - having females in leadership positions.
He stood before the faithful and held his hands up making the sign for victory as the crowd chanted “Poto has to go, Poto has to go”, then he addressed the audience.
“I’d like to thank our friends the media who are here, we could not have achieved this without you. Although sometimes you lot give the National Party a hard time” - a roll of laughter went around the auditorium.
“Ha - just my little joke, to be honest I had tougher interviews from the in-flight magazine folks at Air New Zealand than I’ve had from some of you. No, if you hadn’t pushed the same accusations as us, if you’d questioned some of the things we were saying, we couldn’t have achieved this.”
“I’d especially like to recognize Maiki Sherman at One News for her work lately - the way you turned a simple interview with by election candidates into Jacinda doesn’t care about Tauranga and can’t be bothered to visit was worth a thousand Chris Bishop memes.”
Bishop looked less impressed than he did at his daily full torso replacement of nicotine patches, those memes took a lot of work – or so his dad told him.
“Let’s just hope the new broadcasting minister Mr Jackson has a good sense of humour eh Maiki, keep up the good work you’re catching up to Jenny May.”
The leader continued – “I have to say I was a bit surprised at Trevor moving to a diplomatic role in Ireland - I hope they like Baby Shark up there. He can probably leave the sprinklers alone the Emerald Isle is green enough already, to be sure.”
He had been planning to get kicked out of the house by Trev a few times in election year, his advisers were just identifying issues he should make a principled stand on. I guess I’ll have to try a bit harder now he thought.
“It is fair to say the changes haven’t entirely worked in our favor. Mark Mitchell was straight on the phone to me afterwards asking to be moved to another portfolio. Problem is he can remember half a dozen things at question time whereas Chris Hipkins can remember thousands and won’t get flustered - hardly fair.
“He said he felt like he completed one level and now the boss on the next level is the Terminator. I had a call coming in so I said hang on Mitch – I’ll be back.”
Silence.
“Oh come on guys – zingers like that don’t write themselves.”
“I am pleased to report that our targeting and successful removal of Poto Williams from the Police role is getting the hoped for results in social media, if I could read you a few.”
“Steve Batchelor, from Tauranga of all places, said “Mallard and Faifoi are minor clowns and will gain her little respite. It's the Nepotism and Corruption from the Maori Caucus in their democracy grab that needs addressed””
“Kathryn Spratley, also of Tauranga - what a small world it is, said of Faafoi and Williams “I guess the polls are falling. They were both useless, only there because of their ethnicity””
“Kane Black of Kaitaia, said of the Prime Minister “She is just an actress...and one that can't speak lies without looking like a child trying to hide something.” Poor Kane – show us on the doll where the mean lady hurt you eh – am I right?”
“Tom Brandon, who is surprisingly shy with details of himself, said “Let me guess, jacinda gives the job to a Maori” I fear brave “Tom” in saying what many Kiwis think may feel he has to hide his pride in his own heritage behind a fake account due to political correctness.”
“Enough of those, this is the first of many victories for the party as we reclaim our rightful place on the government benches. Rest assured Ms Williams won’t be the last one we take down before this is done.”
The great smiley leader grinned and imagined his image projected on the screens above, he even allowed himself a quiet Muldoon chuckle thinking of all the hours he had practiced that laugh when he was just a little boy. It hadn’t made him popular then – but just look at him now.
He figured now was the time to try some of the slogans he had been thinking about while the crowd were all excited. He was particularly pleased with the one about social services that included the police.
“When we are in government we will SLAM the Police”, the audience gasped. “Yes, our new plan across government is – “Spend Less Achieve More” or SLAM, it is all about efficiency and eliminating waste.”
At this point Nicola stepped up to the lectern and whispered in his ear “You’re reading from that old list of policies I gave you again just like you did with that ridiculous idea of getting rid of gang patches from social media”.
He hurriedly gave the wrap up to the audience, hopefully before they, and the assembled media, realised anything was amiss. “Ladies and Gentlemen we are the party of tradition, we have had forty years of identifying solutions to address the gang problem.”
He wanted to add “and here is to forty more”, but instead he said “now that we have removed Poto Williams from this portfolio our boys” , “and girls” Nicola helpfully added still standing alongside him, “yes, and girls in blue, will now have the kind of Minister that was needed all along.”
The crowd applauded, they all knew what he meant.
Maiki felt a bit sick, they can get away with anything on Breakfast TV she thought.
Copied the policies from Queensland : haven't worked there with crime higher than ever ,
Brilliant!!