Monday's forecast - mandates and manure.
The day began with reports that the protesters had been throwing human excrement at the police and pulling their masks off of them. They were also tipping portaloo waste directly into the street drains causing it to float out into the harbour.
Soon after Mike Hosking declared that the occupiers had won. Mike had been reading the comments on the Newstalk ZB Facebook page and reached the only possible conclusion – who ever is not flinging handfuls of their own faeces has clearly lost the argument.
Mikes’ wife Kate declared on her show that the price of lettuce was six dollars and that was the stuff of nightmares. She had no idea what the price of a lettuce was; she didn’t go to into supermarkets – was six dollars a lot? And how did you cook a lettuce anyway?
Kate was more concerned that once again the copy handed to her to read out was stamped: “REJECTED: Too stupid even for Mike’s audience”. At least she hadn’t had to un-crumple it from the waste paper bin this time.
Meanwhile the Prime Minister received the sobering, but not unexpected, news that the daily total for new cases was 2,365 and there were two deaths. She gathered the team into caucus.
Now team, she began, as you’re aware David Seymour has met with the protesters and he thinks we should give into their demands – what do you think? She turned towards the whiteboard and heard groaning and a cacophony of what Trevor Mallard would describe as “barnyard noises”.
Turning back to them she caught Grant Robertson with his hand in his armpit making farting noises. She glared - Grant when it comes to a Member of Parliament like David I expect a lot more from you than that.
Just then Chris Hipkins produced a much louder squelchy noise under his shirt – there you go Grant she said, just like Chris. Grant looked sheepish and murmured something about it being very dry in here with the air conditioning. Give me another chance boss he begged, tell us about Luxon saying you were missing in action.
Then the Prime Minister and Grant fronted the media to explain that this was all actually quite serious. People should get a booster, follow sensible health precautions, and we’ll give ourselves the best possible opportunity to minimize the impacts of this outbreak.
They would let us know when we could remove or reduce mandates when it was sensible to do so. Obviously after the peak of cases, which is likely to be in three to six weeks, has passed and things have stabilised.
The media didn’t want to hear that though – why couldn’t the Prime Minister give them a date right now, and preferably an hour, when the mandates would end?
Why wasn’t the Prime Minister being more sympathetic to the protesters, like the opposition parties were?
One of the younger reporters asked why the Prime Minister wouldn’t meet with the protesters, was it because they had been throwing poo poo at the po-po?
It appeared that another of the reporters was asking questions based on David Seymour’s tweets. She said that wasn’t the case but asked the Prime minister what a smoked kipper was and why someone called Rimmer might want one for breakfast?
A statement was issued from the leaders of the occupiers, this being the protest where some had hurled fecal matter at the constabulary. It stated that the police implementing a traffic management plan was counterproductive to maintaining positive relationships with them.
An earthquake struck near Blenheim and was felt in Wellington. Pope Tamaki was asked if this was due to the actions of government to which he replied yes. But not for this, for banning pray away the gay exorcisms – they were very lucrative.
Back in her office the Prime Minister got a video call from her daughter Neve who asked how her day had been. She smiled and moved her right hand under the collar of her shirt, down underneath her armpit, then raised her left arm before lowering it rapidly.
It produced a guttural exploding noise like a protester on a portaloo after a lentil curry. Neve giggled - ah perhaps it wasn’t so bad after all thought the Prime Minister.
She glanced over the top of her laptop screen and said - and that, Deputy Prime Minister, is how it is done.