New Zealand Day 2025
The day formerly known as Waitangi.
Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in welcoming to the stage, on behalf of our sponsors British and American Tobacco, your Prime Minister and CEO of NZ Incorporated, Christopher Luxon.
There was a smattering of claps from the crowd. However those watching on television heard raucous applause as Luxon bounded onto the beach.
The obvious misrepresentation of events involving the government had become a joke to many who still couldn’t believe just how stupid their government seemed to think they were.
The Prime Minister stood before the lectern where he took out a packet of Pall Mall cigarettes. He pulled one from the pack and placed it between his lips. Then he gestured towards the audience as if offering one to them, before lighting his cigarette with a novelty fire starter shaped like an ice cream.
Christopher inhaled deeply. He felt the smoke burn the back of his throat and fill his lungs. He held it a moment and then exhaled in the direction of the audience. Cocking his head slightly he said, slowly and deeply, “smooth”. The crowd was silent, but in their homes the television audience heard cheering.
I’d like to thank our sponsors, for helping make today such a smooth and relaxing experience. He inhaled from his cigarette again.
Dr Shane Reti and Minister Casey Costello walked among the crowd distributing leaflets encouraging people to stop smoking and also handing out free samples of the sponsor’s product. Casey handed each packet over with a wink saying “they’re no worse than a cup of coffee you know”.
The Prime Minister stubbed out his cigarette on the lectern. An elaborate piece that had been made especially for the occasion.
My fellow Ameri…
Sorry, sorry about that.
My fellow New Zealanders. Welcome to our first New Zealand Day. A day to celebrate all the people of our great nation. A day with proportionate coverage of all ethnic groups and nationalities, as mandated in the first amendment to our coalition agreement with the ACT Party.
Talk about a bad faith negotiation - am I right?
There was genuine laughter in the audience at this, but curiously when the Prime Minister made his quip the television coverage momentarily lost audio.
So let me start by asking, are there any Albanians in the house?
There was silence.
No? Well perhaps just as well because your time is up.
The television broadcast sent out a wave of canned laughter.
How about Aussies? There must be a few of you, let’s see if I can find you guys - Aussie Aussie Aussie!
To the left of the stage there was a murmured “Oi Oi Oi”
Right you lot get him, that one is an interloper, get him out of here and deport him straight away. We will not tolerate any disloyalty towards the state, the parties of the coalition, myself, or the All Blacks.
As Luxon said this he motioned to a heavily armed riot squad who accompanied him. There was a gasp from the audience as half a dozen storm troopers started to advance on a young man with dreadlocks who had sewn an Australian flag onto a Tino Rangatiratanga flag.
I’m only kidding, said the Prime Minister, reading the room for once. Just take him round the back and give him a kicking. Oh and for god’s sake get rid of that flag, not the Aussie one.
Now I would like to acknowledge my two partners in our coalition treaty.
Luxon waited for the crowd to laugh at his use of partners and treaty, but there was silence.
I know it hasn’t been easy for them, accepting that they can’t have everything they want, but we’ve worked hard to compromise so neither of them feel left out. Fundamentally it’s all about inclusion.
This time there was a laugh from the crowd, but it stopped immediately when the armed guards began moving towards them.
As you know this year our partners in the ACT party had to accept the fact that there was insufficient support to progress their Treaty Principles Bill. So we had to come up with a creative solution. We’ve done remarkably well, listening to each other and compromising.
So I’m proud to announce, that after much consideration, there will be no further work done to progress that bill. As Prime Minister I have heard the will of the people and delivered this outcome for you.
This time Luxon looked genuinely disappointed when the crowd remained silent. Other than one voice which yelled out, “but you supported the Bill”.
The Prime Minister looked around in disbelief as if he was unsure if this was a prank or not. Hadn’t these people been checked?
Actually I think you’ll find that when all is said and done that I in fact opposed the Bill by providing support for it. It was my secret plan the whole time so that I could keep our Treaty safe for future generations.
Your plan sucks, things are worse for Māori now than when you fullas got elected.
Well yes you see David threw his toys out of the cot after his bill failed at the first vote. He couldn’t get the support of any other party. Winston tried to claim victory saying we needed to taihoa, calm down a bit. But he was just taking the chance to stick it to Seymour.
Anyway David went berserk and said if he couldn’t have his bill then he’d bring the government down. So I had to make a few minor concessions.
You call those minor bloody concessions? They weren’t your things to give away.
Well Matariki is now Sir Roger Douglas Day. But that’s a nice new tradition where we collect from the poor and give to the rich. It’s important to acknowledge the role played by those with wealth and the contribution they make.
First you closed down the Tribunal, and now we don’t even have Waitangi Day any more. Just this New Zealand Day, that nobody asked for.
The crowd on the beach were mostly tobacco company representatives and party loyalists. With a smattering of hand picked civilians who had been thoroughly vetted. Although apparently not that well.
Meanwhile up at the meeting house tens of thousands of people had gathered in the pre-dawn light to acknowledge Waitangi Day. They’d come from all around the country.
There was no agro between the two groups, nobody was throwing horse dung or marital aids. The people, who had come in their thousands, had simply ignored the government and the official party. They’d waited in silence until the dawn came and then the singing had started.
A Christian prayer rang out in te Reo from an Anglican Bishop. On the stage were dignitaries from around the country. Māori leaders from the different tribes. Pakeha spoke too, in support of continuing to recognize and remember Waitangi Day, which was now illegal.
Through the cool morning air the people on the beach could hear those assembled inland singing. They heard it too on the televisions in people’s homes.
And the people watching around Aotearoa sang too. Many remembering the massive show of support for honouring te Tiriti at Waitangi in 2024.
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