Late model European cars crunched over the gravel up the semi circular drive to the Tuscan style villa just outside Matakana. Their host, who lived there, waved them welcome from busily pretending to be doing the gardening.
The corps d’elite, as they liked to call themselves, were meeting Sunday morning for an emergency brunch. The topic - the right man for the job.
While the group of former party leaders had no formal constitutional powers it was unheard of for the party to go against their wishes. In the same way that American Presidents are still referred to as President they all still called each other party leader and by the order of their leadership since the party began, as President Trump is referred to as 45.
Party Leader Judith, aka #14, took the role of MC as the most recent leader. She liked the role, it was nice to have somewhere to wear the pearls again.
Waiting in the cool morning air she thought there were some nice perks still to be had, like the Speaker’s junket to Europe she was off on soon. She had enjoyed seeing her replacement justifying that trip in the media while complaining about wasteful government spending. Oh how he’d squirmed, #15 really was bloody useless.
Party Leader John, #11 greeted her professionally He wasn’t worried that the poor performance of his hand-chosen reincarnation was going so badly it would change people’s perception of him. Not likely he thought it’ll just emphasize how good I was and hard to replace.
He thought of Chris conceding in an interview that National spending would have exactly the same inflationary pressure as Labour spending. What an idiot, he would never have admitted that, everyone knows National spending is different. He really was bloody useless.
Simon, #12, screeched to a halt in his new Lamborghini – “I see the family time is going well Simon” said Judith, with a grin like the Cheshire Cat. “Not in church this morning #14?” he responded sarcastically.
Now back in the private sector as a mining consultant Simon was enjoying the fact that the guy they chose over him was making even him look well spoken when being interviewed. Simon peered over the top of his sunglasses and greeted the others “Buongiorno“, he thought - I’m not saying the guy is Maureen Pugh, but he is bloody useless.
Don, #10, was next to arrive, he was pulling a child’s cart behind him. “Morning all, beautiful day, I’ve just been out for a walk delivering these Hobson’s Pledge pamphlets; I’ve brought 1,000 for each of you.”
Don thought out of all the recent leaders Chris was living up to his Pakeha Lives Matter heritage the best. He was highlighting Maori getting a seat at the table for Three Waters and a separate Maori Health Authority, but was his heart really in it? When push came to shove would Chris be able to make it clear that this was Kiwi versus Iwi?
Don had his doubts. The way he was wavering on the principle of one law for all made Don nervous, ah who was he kidding there would be no Orewa speech 2.0 with Chris as leader - he was bloody useless.
“Where is #8?” asked Judith, “maybe she went overseas and lost her role while she was gone” piped up Jim, #7. “Let it go Jim”, said Bill, #9, “Jenny actually has some minor legal difficulties.”
Bill was glad to be off the farm for a bit, he hadn’t driven the tractor up like he had fantasised about but he had tried to hire one at the airport – turns out you can’t. This country never supports the farmers thought Bill. He had been surprised when he got the call explaining he would be checking all of Nicola’s numbers from now on, to give the public confidence in the Finance spokesperson.
He had tried to talk them out of it “you do remember I was leader when we announced Steven’s enormous 11.7 billion dollar hole right”, “Yes, yes” Chris had said “we were thinking of the years you were Finance Minister.” “Oh right, you mean all the years I ran a deficit during a rock-star economy?” Things must be going really badly thought Bill, Chris really is bloody useless.
“Todd couldn’t be with us today” said Judith “so he has sent his deputy Nikki Kaye in his place” – they all laughed. How like Todd, #13 – apparently lucky for some.
If Bill had been surprised to still be involved Nikki was finding the whole thing surreal. Why was she here and why was Sir John looking at her like that? She did wish he wouldn’t stroke his hair and blow her kisses when the others weren’t looking.
She wondered whether the new guy could really be even worse than Todd, because that would be pretty bloody useless.
“I tried calling Jim, #6” said Judith. “he kept saying ‘if that bastard Rob is there I won’t be’. I assured him that we were not anticipating #5 to be present for obvious reasons but McClay will not be joining us.”
All present or accounted for they took their seats inside.
By tradition those who had stood unsuccessfully as leadership candidates were the waiting staff. This role was supposed to put an end to unsavoury vote offs, better if the caucus announced 100% support for the new leader. It is hard to do that if half of them are leaking to the media that the margin was only a couple of votes.
Mark Mitchell didn’t seem discouraged he seemed positively cheerful for someone in a maids outfit with a 1950s butcher’s haircut. Judith was impressed with how well he carried it off and only surprised he didn’t have a butchers pencil behind his ear. He needs all the help he can get running the numbers she thought then wondered if he’d be handing out Cheerios.
She addressed the group – “He can use the right words, great CV, but he can’t think on his feet. If the question or talking point is different than what he was expecting he just plows on regardless.”
“Why only this week he got asked about the little blue penguin but he’d prepared for a crackdown on gangs. He said it doesn’t matter what their colour is yellow, red, even blue, the police need to get among them with all available weapons and give it to them.”
“One of the reporters asked - are you suggesting the police use Tasers on them? He replied - Yes they’ve ruled the roost for too long, it’s time we make them an endangered species.”
She continued “look at this candidate selection debacle in Tauranga, I mean it’s pretty ballsy to pick all white male candidates after you’ve promised diversity, like a giant finger at political correctness. But John would have been down there in some amusing ethnic costume broadening our appeal to minority communities.”
“Our candidates have all the diversity of a Hallensteins advertisement.” John and Simon perked their ears up - and asked in unison “what’s wrong with Hallensteins?”
“Not a Talofa in sight” said Judith, “and Jesus Christ would he stop mentioning that bloody airline?”
“Bottom feeders, tax cuts for the rich, it’s all good stuff but he sounds like an ACT leader, we have to at least pretend to care about middle NZ. When he talks about the ‘squeezed middle’ all I see is one of those old style sauce bottles the shape of a tomato, someone has squeezed it too hard and it is more permanently out of shape than Gerry.”
“We need someone with the gift of the gab, someone willing to say things despite their brain screaming for them to stop because what they are saying is absurd. To deliver those messages not only enthusiastically but with an unwavering belief so strong it makes the listener question all that would seem real and true.”
“Yeah but where are we going to get someone like that, there is no one in caucus?”, said John.
“We have identified one person here in this very house with all the required attributes...Ladies and Gentlemen we need our host Mr Mike Hosking to take on the mantle. Where once he idolized John we need the country to idolize him.”
“Ooh” said Don, “think of the magazine covers with he and his good wife Kate.”
“He could be leader from outside of caucus, he already has a platform with a far greater reach than Parliament itself. But we really need him in the house, a by election in a safe seat, and keep in mind he declared the Tauranga seat to be too provincial for him.”
“We’ve identified Kaipara ki Mahurangi as being the best option. It takes in Warkworth up here and also John’s old Helensville electorate. It’s the sort of safe seat where you could put a blue suit on a fence post and it would get elected.”
“Current MP is one Chris Penk, one of our evangelical backbenchers. If we tell him this is what Jesus would want and promise a safe list position at the next election we can get Mike, #16, into Parliament and Mr Penk just takes a bit of a holiday to do some fundraising.”
There was a positive murmuring.
“Then we are all agree, now who is going to tell Chris #15?”
Every hand in the place shot up.
Mike and Kate were already practicing for the photo shoots with a basket full of organic vegetables they had purchased earlier at the market…
The Regrettes seem like an appropriate group for the day. Here they are with their cover of that ode to the Hosk himself - “Hey Mickey”.
It is truly scary how apt this is 2 years on! Prophetic and groundhog day in one brilliantly written, scathing piece. 😅
Very funny! I hear this meeting is on again today, but Mike is reconsidering his future involvement in light of the Mayday call that has just come out.