The house comes to oral questions.
The Speaker: The house comes to Oral Questions and I would like to remind the house that I have had numerous complaints about the barnyard noises being made while Ministers answer questions.
The first question is in the name of Nicola Willis.
To the Prime Minister, does she stand by all her government’s policies and actions?
The PM: Yes, especially putting the health and welfare of our people first. We stand by the largest increase in decades to support for those who need it most, and in providing relief at the pump to motorists in the form of a tax cut to reduce the high prices caused by international oil prices.
Willis - Supplementary what would she say to Lynette of Timaru who asks why is the Prime Minister going to eat my baby?
Nicola turned to the camera and tried to make a smile, she thought there is your 10-second clip for the 6pm One News.
Jacinda looked at Grant - is this what it had come to? She wanted to say “I love babies, but I could never eat a whole one”, which is what the question deserved. But she didn’t she merely said - that is ridiculous, I reject the premise of the question.
Nicola and the backbench MPs around her started laughing and crying out “look out, she’ll eat all your babies”.
Supplementary said Nicola, Lynette says she was simply going on the Ute justice page ahead of the next Groundswell protest because she wanted accurate tax information for her model of Ute in case she was asked, she likes to be well informed.
There she was looking it up and Roy from Taranaki had written “if she takes our utes, next thing is she’ll take our babies”. Lynette was skeptical and had asked, “what does she do with all the babies?” Roy replied “she eats them after slowly grilling them on a charcoal BBQ, although Clarke prefers his smoked - when he shows up”.
So, said Nicola, what does the Prime Minister have to say to Lynette? And does she like hers rare or well done?
The PM looked at the speaker who shrugged in response. She stood and said - I have not nor would I ever eat a baby we are simply trying to move Aotearoa to using lower emission vehicles.
The backbenchers were wailing now “I’ve course she’d say that”.
Well what would the Prime Minister say, Nicola continued, to Aubrey of Ashburton who claims she marinades them with fish sauce and sugar before using a honey glaze?
Grant Robertson jumped to his feet and said Point of Order Mr Speaker this is a ridiculous line of questioning, the Prime Minister is not responsible for recipes used in Ashburton.
Mrs Willis was back on her feet - so the PM finds the concerns of everyday hard working New Zealanders ridiculous, how typical. Well what would she say to Judith from Papakura who says I’ve seen her on a full moon howling to what only knows while she crunches through the bones of her wee victims to get to the marrow.
Mr Speaker said the PM, this is absurd - Judith of Papakura, who next - Simeon of Pakuranga?
Supplementary question said Nicola – how about this correspondence from C Slater, also of Papakura, has the PM tried them fried? Jude gave me a couple of girl guides recently and they were delicious in a lite tempura batter.
The PM stood and said simply “No”, it did occur to her that it had been a while since the guides had come around selling those nice biscuits.
Grant stood up quickly “Supplementary - what would she say to Gavin from Grey Lynn who says I want to thank the PM for never eating babies, I watch her very closely and I have never even seen her eat a single one. New Zealand has become a better place since Jacinda put an end to all the baby eating that was such a feature of the last government’s time in power.
Jacinda rose and started to hit her stride. We committed to turning around statistics pertaining to child hardship when we came to office and I am pleased to say since that time we have had near 100% compliance of government ministers not eating babies.
Gerry Brownlee arose, he had a large napkin tucked into the front of his shirt and a knife and fork in his hands. Did the PM say near 100% compliance? He licked his lips at the possibility of a scandal.
The PM rose, yes in our first term we had to agree to disagree with New Zealand First on some policy areas. There was an unfortunate incident with some of the wee ones jumping off the bridge at Waitangi, or what Shane Jones referred to as Kaimoana.
Audible moans around the house.
Supplementary question Brooke van Velden. Has the Prime Minister seen the ACT party’s policy on looking after children whose parents can’t afford them and ensuring blood banks are full?
Right said Trev, I think we’ve had about enough of that. Question two, Chris Bishop.
Bishop arose and said goodness Mr Speaker I think we’re all feeling a bit hungry after that, do you know what I like to have after a good meal?
The speaker rose - that is not the question I have written on the card, either read what is written or we’ll move on. He added “to the next course” and then wished he hadn’t.
Chris tried again “apologies Mr Speaker, for the record I like a ciggie after a good meal. I’ve been offering free samples to some of my Instagram followers but they keep whining something about “we use vapes now”, cheeky little buggers no wonder we used to eat them eh.
The speaker was on his feet Mr Bishop the question you have on record is why will the PM not buy everyone KFC and some red wine in recognition of the favourite meal of Ross Taylor who retired from the Black Caps this week?
Yes of course Mr Speaker said Bishop, do you know what I like to have after my KFC?
Mr Bishop, you are trifling with this house - said the speaker going red in the face.
No, not trifle Mr Speaker but a cigarette, delicious. The National side were leaping up and down with glee - “you tell em Chris”.
Mr Bishop will leave the chamber.
Mr Bishop, as he tweeted: Thanks Trev, I was gasping for one. Anyone else want any KFC while I’m out? How about you Gerry? You fancy a dinner for two? Me I’m going for a zinger burger in recognition of those bangers from Nikki’s imaginary friends today. Shit this mike isn’t hot is it?
Question three Chlöe Swarbrick
Chlöe: Has the Department of Conservation identified how many kororā/little blue penguin live in the rock wall at Pūtiki Bay; if so, how many? And has she met the one called Derek?
The PM checked her watch.