Heather stood in the dock looking nervously about her but with an expression of steely determination. The judge asked if she knew what crimes she was accused of. “Well”, she laughed rolling her eyes “I guess the ideology-gone-mad government has finally outlawed saying mean things about other races, was it the leeches thing?”
The judge shook his head.
“Well it was a while ago but I did that bit on showing you could lie to procure a firearm by pretending to be a police officer?”
The judge indicated the negative again.
“No Heather it isn’t for illegally obtaining a weapon, or for referring to our friends in the Pacific as leeches - we have free speech however repugnant yours might be. This time you bullied a child leading a protest against climate change, even as its effects become clearer and clearer”.
“But I have rights!” wailed Heather, “I’m a Kiwi as much as you” she said opening her eyes wider in a Pūkana. “That just might be”, laughed the judge “but you know those 501s your station has been so outspoken about, the ones being sent back to NZ because Australia says they’ve failed their Character Test? Even though many haven’t lived here since they were small children?”
Heather nodded, she’d gotten a lot of attention putting the boot in to those lot - they ticked so many boxes with her listeners.
“Well that is you now Heather, it has been deemed that you do not meet the minimum character requirements here in Aotearoa”. Heather looked incredulous and horrified, “you said the “A” word, it makes my listeners really furious - that’s why I talk about it.”
“This time you have attacked a 16 year old school girl for wanting something done about climate change and her mother is pissed off, she was so angry that she has written an article about it in the Spinoff!”
Heather looked a bit ill at the mention of that publication, good lord the millennials reading the Spinoff were almost as bad as the Boomers listening to RNZ, not that she had anything against Boomers, heck she had married one.
“But I have no ties to South Africa” she said, the judge raised his eyebrows - it was like she had no awareness of other people at all. “You can’t just send me back there”.
“Oh we’re not sending you back to South Africa” replied the judge, she sighed with relief - it just wasn’t like home since they ended Apartheid.
“No, this isn’t the New Zealand government it’s the UN, remember them - the toothless UN? Well they’ve deemed that you have failed the character test not as a Kiwi but as someone interested in the survival of your own species, you are to be returned to the ocean.”
Heather looked horrified “you can’t just drop me in the ocean like I was Osama bin Laden” she wailed. “Oh don’t worry we’re not” said the judge. “We’ve identified the Pacific atoll most impacted by climate change”, she rolled her eyes, “and you’ll be relocating there with your friends the leeches to report on climate change not being real.”
“Racism and bullying Heather, it’s not what we want for the future of New Zealand, even though it sounds like the motto of the young Nats.”
“But I am an essential caregiver” screamed Heather in a panic. The judge laughed, “don’t worry we’ve identified some good people with liberal left wing values, they will raise the child better than you could”.
“Not the bloody baby said Heather, I’m talking about Barry - what will happen if I’m not there as his caregiver?”, “He might calm down a bit?” ventured the judge.
“But who will take him alfresco dining”, the judge remembered that during the Covid press conferences Barry’s main concern, other than ensuring everyone knew his fabulous anecdotes of how much more convivially journalists were treated by Muldoon, was dining outdoors.
Some wondered whether he had ownership in a cafe but no Heather assured them he just liked eating outside and if she wasn’t there who was going to do the aeroplane noise with the spoon and cut his food up for him?
“All I’ve been advocating is for a free market system, if we need a safety net it should be the generosity of charity, not run by a communist government”, Heather rallied.
“Philanthropy is the ultimate in trickle down fantasies Heather. The idea that we don’t need the government taxing the rich and using the money to provide services to all, and support to those in need. Let the rich guy keep the money and have him make the decision what it is spent on rather than the bumbling government.”
“But what if he wants to spend it putting a new building, with his name on it, at his old decile 10 school and the other more in need schools nearby get nothing - well it’s his money he can do what he wants with it?”
This seemed quite reasonable to Heather “Well, it’s not perfect” she admitted trying to placate, “but people have had enough of this government - look at Law and Order! People are fed up with these awful ram-raids and such, like that jewellery robbery in the weekend”.
The judge smiled. “Ah yes that robbery, who was to blame ? The parents? The kids? No turns out according to your listeners - it was Jacinda. There I was thinking her being on stage at the UN giving a speech to the world at the time might have been quite a convincing alibi, but no, they are adamant, it is all Jacinda’s fault.”
“Funny thing is these are the same people who profess to be all about personal responsibility - but any time something bad happens they complain it’s the governments fault and they have to fix it! Is there any point reminding these people that John Key said he’d get rid of crime and gangs back in 2008 and then actually cut police funding and numbers, whereas the current government has increased both?”
Heather looked at him like a dead fish. “Nope, apparently Jacinda should have been waiting behind the counter with a taser and some hand cuffs and arrested them herself, otherwise she is soft on crime”, he finished.
Heather had begun to cry a little at her own plight.
“It is the verdict of this court that you shall be taken from this place, and shipped to the poorest pacific atoll. From where the young girl who lead that protest march, oh by the way she is taking your job as an initiative to actually inform your listeners, she will call you once a month by satellite phone to get an update on climate change impacts, this will be your only contact with the outside world.”
“But” sobbed Heather, “all our listeners will leave and go to ‘The Platform’ instead”. “Don’t worry about that, we’re way ahead of you, as we speak Sean Plunket is on a rocket headed straight into the surface of the sun, as an experiment.”
“An experiment?!?”
“Yes, we want to confirm whether anyone will care and I can tell you based on early feedback that hypothesis is looking dubious.".
“But what if I’m on this island in the Pacific and I need help ?”, yelped Heather, “what if the water rises too much?” “Well, we’ll call you a leech if that happens. We assume that’s the response you favour to such requests”.
“But I am a Human Being!” shrieked Heather.
And then something magical happened, a vague sense of recognition at what she had just said crossed her face, and she shut up.
Well, until she was lead away.
Bit of a Pacific feel to this Kiwi classic.
Even if just that last sentence were true, the world would be much better off.
Brilliant, it's about time someone called HDPA out for her open Bullshit! Love your work.