The high priest stood before the small congregation, sweat glistening in the light from the candles as it trickled down the sides of his bald head. Jesus it was hot in here he thought.
He called the loyal followers to attention “Welcome to Big C’s house of redemption and indulgences, we are here to forgive, I mean try, our friend Sam in his hour of need. What do you say Sam did you do it, how do you plead?”
Sam looked around at those gathered he felt a bit sick, imagine being judged morally by this lot he thought - this must be what they mean by rock bottom “I plead - please let me off, I’ll be a good boy from now on I promise.”
“Well there you go then that’s that, back you go Sammy to join the team - congratulations on your redemption” grinned the Big C.
He looked around the room “I can’t believe some people are comparing the treatment of young thugs, criminals, to how Sam was treated. Some of these people have no idea how hard it is to be told off as a Kings boy or the stigma of being cast aside by society.”
“Chris Almighty” was the name he had wanted, he even suggested adding a “T” to the end of his first name and telling people it was silent. The team hadn’t liked it so they had settled on “The Big C” which they’d already been using. He wasn’t quite sure if the C stood for CEO or Captain but it was good either way.
Suffice to say they all knew he was the Second Coming, not of Christ although perhaps there were similarities, no he was the return of Uncle John. The Key-incarnate the party had longed for for so long.
A few of the team looked a little bemused. Young Simp Eon called out “But Big C we’re tough on crime and the filthy criminals that need to be punished, this is a bad look boss just letting him off as if the rules don’t apply”
The Big C replied “It’s about what people expect, they expect us to talk tough on crime, especially when committed by Maori, oops forgot to use the code word, I mean committed by gangs. No one expects us to actually punish wealthy white people, people expect us let Sam off, they’ll just think we’re being consistent”.
“OK” said Simp “second chances for wealthy whites, longer sentences for bottom feeders. I can sell that in my electorate”
“I’m not so sure about other parts of Auckland” harrumphed Paora Goldstein “look at this letter I got from West Auckland”:
That Metiria Turei I was proud of her - what was her crime? Not notifying Social Welfare about a flatmate every time she should have so she'd have enough to feed herself and her baby - and you destroyed her career! A new philosophy of second chances? Fuck you, you double-standard, hypocritical, entitled, bastards for doing that to a decent person if you let that bully Uffindell off. You disgust me.
The Big C laughed “well I don’t think we’re getting that vote anytime soon, bit of a sad day when West Auckland Man cares about a girl more than the boys. Destroying other people is fun, I mean this would be a pretty dull job otherwise”. There was a murmur of approval.
Mickey Outhouse roared “remember Claire Curran? Missy destroyed her, she had a plan, she executed it, and the whole nation saw her mentally broken to the point she couldn’t coherently answer questions in parliament. Once she was gone we left her alone though, forgiveness is an important trait after all.”
Mickey and Missy hi-five’d.
Bianca von Vampire yelled out “shouldn’t we bleed him again?” Her boss See More-Greed hissed at her, “we’re not part of the congregation yet and besides don’t you think that is quite enough blood already!” She ran her teeth over her fangs and snarled back “you’d be surprised just how much blood the male human body contains”.
The questions were coming thick and fast now.
“But, but, but what is this teaching the young women of New Zealand?” postured Kiki Liberal. “Don’t speak up if you encounter awful behaviour from a man, just remind yourself “boys will be boys” and remember to keep a smile on your face?”
The Big C was thrown by this for a moment - how was she quoting the first rule of his highly secretive church? They were highly secretive.
He was also starting to get a bit annoyed “for goodness sake” he said “you want it plain and simple - Sam is guilty, he doesn’t care, we don’t care, no one is changing - we even timed the release to coincide with the Queen’s funeral so no one would notice”
“Yeah, about that” said Nikki Prada “we might have buried the news but people are going to read the report, remember how we’ve been complaining about the government not being transparent”.
“No one will ever read this report” he said holding it aloft like a holy scripture only available to the highest of holy men.
She was a bit taken aback - “you mean you’ve already written the report, and none of us has read it?”. He threw his head back and laughed, sometimes he forgot that not everyone had held a senior role in the corporate world. “It’s not about actually doing something or making change it is about appearing to do something, following a process. An internal investigation over a long period of time, with a report no one sees, and then announce the result you wanted.”
He handed the report to her…
Top Secret: For the eyes of the inner* circle only.
*if you’re unsure if you are in the inner circle or not, you’re not, this means you Crusher.
Sammy is Not Guilty, but all details are secret due to privacy.
Sammy is ready for cabinet after the election, but only local appearances until after we’ve won.
No more photo ops for Sammy with the big C.
It wasn’t much of a report she thought. She remembered back at school when it had been her called “the Big C”. She suspected there must have been more than one really popular girl as they always said “that” rather than “the”, but no matter.
She missed the warmth and regard from the girls who had called her “That Big C” but she figured she’d find fear much more pleasurable than respect. Only one more year she told herself and then they’ll remember me, they certainly won’t forget me, and I don’t plan on asking for forgiveness.
There was a knock at the door it was the Eftpostle Tu Meke he said “hey you lot aren’t giving away pardons are you?” The Big C looked a bit sheepish. “You see I hold the franchise round here for selling indulgences and I don’t want any Chrissie-come-lately on my patch undercutting me.”
The big C said “no need to worry our congregation is wealthy white people yours err isn’t. I’ll look after my flock and you’re free to fleece yours, we are the party of private enterprise as well as God”
After the disciples of destiny left he continued “Right lets wrap this up - Sam you need to look very contrite”, Sam looked puzzled.
“No, not like that” said Nicky, “you look like you’re constipated. Here like this, I’ve been practicing for after my first budget - it’s important to look sincere.”
“Think of it like you’re taking candy from a baby, like we all do (The Big C and Sam looked at each other and shrugged) but you want them to still like you afterwards. You have to make them believe they didn’t want the lollypop anyway. And it’s all about practice, I’ve got a large jar of sweets in the next room and I don’t even like them!”
“But how can we say he is cleared of all charges, the whole country knows he did it” the back bench demanded. “And how do they know that, did anyone see him do it?” intoned the Big C. “Because he said he bloody did it! He even told the selection committee!!”, they shrieked.
The Big C smiled “You’ll be surprised how quickly a lot of people will forget that happened. Soon many will question whether he said anything at all, or if it even happened. The Lord moves in mysterious ways.”
This one goes out to big Sammy, future Minister of Justice and Corrections:
I feel sick. All too true and played on repeat.
Hadn’t realised you were there when this played out Nick. Well recorded. Accuracy is important and you nailed it. Should be published in the National Herald.