What Would John Do?

Christopher Luxon sat in his office and thought to himself that the culture wars really weren’t going so well.

First Matariki had been a tremendous success, embraced by the nation and had made the anti-Maori sentiment they had been building around co-governance look non mainstream and out of step with the country. It was like HR had written a new policy called “Racism is bad”, but no one had sent them the memo.

Then the US Supreme Court overturned Roe vs Wade which he quite enjoyed but some in his caucus hadn’t been happy to celebrate quietly, they wanted to rub the liberals noses in it. Now that tickle guy was getting traction for replying to one of his MP’s posts “suck shit” – and people loved it.

Whatever your views on the culture wars having the country celebrating one of your MPs being told to “suck shit” wasn’t a milestone he had been wanting on his road to victory. Worse yet that tickle guy had been going after Pentecostal churches in his investigations and was on a list of people his church had said not to talk to, and now he had his full attention.

He told Simon that he’d have to take the post down, yes they were all thinking it but no, apparently you couldn’t enjoy it publicly – sorry lads.

It wasn’t an easy thing to ask them. He’d have found it easier to ask them to stop targeting female MPs or Maori MPs. Heck this was so awkward he’d rather be asking them to stop targeting female Maori MPs, and they loved doing that.

Nicola kept hissing at him “you have to do it, think of the female voters”, but that was a hard argument to put to Brown, Penk, and O’Connor as they didn’t think women should have the vote.

He’d gotten the party into a position where they could get elected the last thing he needed now was some sort of liberal versus conservative civil war in his own caucus. The problem was some of these MPs were more concerned with what God thought than CEOs, which was all well and good thought Chris but God wasn’t the one filling the donations plate.

Our overriding principle has to be WWJD he thought. He look at the Crucifix on the wall, he always hung it there when the Bible Boys were coming to call, at the figure upon it and asked the fundamental questions - What Would John Do?

He knew what John would do, he’d compromise take the middle position and leave the hard right flank to look after itself. But it was all very well for John thought Chris, he didn’t believe in a higher power. Well except the board.

It had been a problem for John over the anti smacking law, it didn’t matter how many times John told the caucus no one was going to get arrested for smacking their kid on the leg when they wandered out into traffic. No, this was to stop them beating the poor kid into a pulp using a 4X2 or a vacuum cleaner pipe.

The caucus had argued to exempt use of a leather belt, not the buckle, or a simple electrical cord like from a kettle, but John had stood his ground.

He knew he’d get the backing of the liberals in caucus, but that was only Nicola and Bishop, plus he got the impression that Bishop just went along with anything that Nicola said without independent thought. Like a Seeing Eye dog happily bounding towards a cliff because that is where the owner apparently wants to go.

The media would be all over him of course, dredging up his own views and religious beliefs. He was concerned about balancing the need to appear to have no faith of any significance that would influence his actions as Prime Minister, whilst also still appearing to be a man of faith.

John hadn’t had this problem but then he’d had a much more liberal caucus. Unlike this bunch who seemed to think not going to church was a mark of the devil, let alone being a woman, he thought to himself.

He remembered before the last election when poor old Judith had done that ridiculous photo shoot in the church of what she thought praying looked like – he’d laughed at the time - no payWave? But she had been so worried about the right of the party voting for ACT, or the New Conservatives, or worse still one of the even nuttier bunch, she had to do it.

He worried what else the Bible Boys might have planned, private members bills perhaps?

He could just see them excitedly unveiling them – restrictions on working hours for mothers, incentives for unmarried mothers to adopt their babies out, and a Mother Mary award for the working mother identified with the greatest pay equity disparity – doing her bit willingly for tradition.

Still he couldn’t control that. All he could control was his own messaging he practiced it again in this head…

“I am opposed to abortion but when I rule I won’t let my own conscience get in the way of what I do.”

That was pretty clear wasn’t it?