Woke FM.

Liberal takes for the wide awake.

On a clear autumn afternoon, at the monolithic MediaWorks office overlooking the city, people are showing their invitations and entering. Finding places to sit at long tables with refreshments, loudly moving chairs across the polished concrete floor.

The Minister for Broadcasting, Willie Jackson, a collection of marginal celebrities, and news media, have assembled to hear interim CEO Wendy Palmer’s announcement. There haven’t been a lot of media events with free drinks lately, so turnout is strong.

Loud music plays, the electronic instruments sound particularly sterile with the harsh acoustics of the hall. And then Wendy emerges on the low stage and the music stops.

Ladies and Gentlemen I can now divulge that the MediaWorks replacement for Today FM.

Which will soon be broadcasting on the very same frequencies is…

Woke FM. And our slogan - Liberal takes for the wide awake.

You should each have received a sealed media pack on your way in. You are now free to open those, and I’m happy to take any questions.

There are a few sniggers from the press pack. One reporter from NZME heckles - “Haven’t you guys heard? Go Woke Go Broke.”

Thank you Jason. But it turns out a new station, targeting the same audience as your own, made for a very full market. So we’re trying something new. It’s time the liberals had a radio station. They’ll enjoy a bit of talkback, they’ve always got something to say.

Aotearoa has two right wing stations - your station ZB, our very own Fox News, and now Reality Check Radio which caters to the conspiracy theory end of the market. We want to provide an alternate voice for the left. For those who are not yet old enough for RNZ.

“Important market, the under 50s”, scoffed Jason.

Barry Soper had recently retired and moved to Auckland, but he still had his press credentials. He’d heard there was free piss so he’d gone along. He asked “but didn’t you hear people complaining that Today FM was already too woke?”

Barry, I’m not responsible for the thoughts of the sort of people who would describe a radio station featuring Duncan and Mark as woke. Are you serious? Mark Richardson must be one of the most unwoke people in New Zealand. Even including yourself.

Minister Jackson stood up. “I’ve looked over the schedule and I’m interested in this one about a Kōrero, will it be in Te Reo? We could probably chip in a bit for that.”

On Sunday mornings at 10am we’ll be broadcasting Mick’s Kōrero. A hand-wringing pākehā apologist who would be as welcome in the ZB staff room as a vegan sausage roll. We asked Mick why he’s always so pro Māori and he said - ‘I’m not pro Māori, I’m anti racist’. Before awkwardly trying to hongi the sound guy, who was wearing a “Tu Meke” shirt.

“Ooh that is awkward”, cringed the minister.

Yeah, the sound guy was Samoan.

“Can you run us through a few more of these programmes? What about this D News - what’s that about?”

Our correspondent takes listeners through the disinformation of the day. Be it from politicians or from other media outlets. Lampooning and satirising, well, most of you present to be honest.

Barry said, “You don’t really think there’s a role for satire on the radio? They tried that on Today FM and how did that work out?”

Really badly. I happened to listen in once when Mark Richardson was pretending to be Jacinda. It was truly grim, one of the least humorous things I have ever heard. About as funny as childhood cancer to be honest. But people with actual talent - why not? I mean, everyone must realise that ZB is satirical. No one could really be that much of an asshole, could they?

There is laughter, although not from Jason or Barry. Wendy continues.

We’ve got this grumpy old guy who presents himself like Karl Marx coming out of a Yorkshire coal mine. He pretends to be a communist, but really he hates the left and he spends the whole show slagging them off. It’s called the anti-woke show, and it’ll air at 8pm on a Tuesday with co-host Chris Trotsky, self described as New Zealand’s oldest leftie. In reality he isn’t actually all that old, just a bit grumpy.

On Sunday afternoon we have what we think will be a popular programme - how not to be a dick. A weekly review where a guest presenter names and shames the sexist, the racist, the unacceptable, quotes and actions of the week. I believe Mark Richardson is actually getting a congratulations, you’ve been cancelled award this week from Golriz Ghahraman. So that’s timely, something for him to take home as a keepsake.

A quiet figure wearing a long coat, large dark glasses, and a beret reaches for the microphone. “Why didn’t you just ask the Today FM presenters to do the Woke FM jobs? It makes no difference to us, we can write or say whatever you like. I could have been the anti-Hosking”.

The CEO turned and whispered something to security, who repeated the message into walkie talkies.

Now Tova. We have been a bit worried about you. But you know you can’t be here, don’t you? Not unless you’ve come to sign the settlement? Have you come to sign the agreement Tova?

I just want my job back. I left the top spot at NewsHub, and now I’ve got nothing.

Why don’t you talk to RNZ, they’ve got a vacancy at the moment. Out transition team can help you with your CV if you’d like.

RNZ don’t do my style of journalism. Flying by the seat of your pants. The risk of rolling the dice and making an accusation - when you don’t have enough evidence, but you’ve got a hunch. The thrill of the gotcha.

I wouldn’t be so sure about that, have you listened to Lisa Owen? I tuned in to her the other day and I thought I was listening to ZB! Seriously Tova, it might be time for you to give away the gotchas and the hyperbole, all that stuff you learned from Duncan and Paddy, and become a real journalist.

All I’ve done is exactly what you hired me to do. Now it’s ridiculous - the left think I’m too far right and the right think I’m too far left. Isn’t there anyone looking to the middle any more?

No Tova, there isn’t. When it comes to broadcasting there is no centre any more. If you’re not obviously with people - you’re against them. The best you can achieve is that both sides hate you equally, so you may as well pick a team.

Come over to the bright side Tova. Tune in to Woke FM, liberal takes for the wide awake.

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Have a lovely day all of you lovely liberal folk. As this song says - Stay Woke.