As he always did on a non-sitting day Christopher addressed the team wearing his “C for Captain” cap. He found it was a great conversation opener giving him the opportunity to tell people about his previous job, and it also reminded the team that he was in charge. He was the pilot and they better get on the plane if they want to get to the destination.
“As you may have seen on the news”, he began, “the growth in the coverage of youth crime is a real opportunity for us to differentiate ourselves from the competition.”
“I don’t think we want to draw too much attention to our record on fighting crime” said Gerry. “John Key, blessed be his name, said we’d stop crime and gangs when we campaigned in 2008 and all we did was set up P cleaning businesses, anyone remember Mike Sabin?” The room was hushed, they weren’t supposed to say that name.
“No need to panic Gerry, I’m not suggesting we’re going to stop crime - this is about telling Kiwis that we’ll be locking up the criminals sooner, for longer, and with tougher conditions.”
“As you know we already have one of the highest incarceration rates in the world but what I’m advocating is to make that number a lot higher. Get these kids into the system, start processing them, and make it efficient and profitable.”
“So first things first what can we learn from America - the country with the highest rate of imprisonment? What is the difference between here and there?”
“It’s not guns - we have plenty of those here. It isn’t poverty they’ve also got quite a bit of that. Not drugs or gangs, nope the difference is that they have the courage to make a profit from prisons - and that is where we must go as a country.”
“But you’ll just make sure that those kids are crims when they’re adults”, said Harete in a rare comment. “Exactly, that’s the annuity, the recurring revenue any business needs to perform well over the long term”, said the ex-CEO.
He actually felt a bit queasy at this. Making money from the poor was always good be it accommodation subsidies straight into the landlord’s back pocket, high density alcohol offerings where they live whilst lecturing them on self control. Allowing exorbitant rates to be charged for Meth cleaning services while turfing residents out onto the street because one guy smoked it at a party. Or yes, making money from locking them up.
This wasn’t the first thing he’d had to do in his career that had made him feel ill and based on some of the private discussions he’s been having with ACT about the direction of the next government, it wouldn’t be the last.
“What about ACT’s policy of starting with 11 year olds”, asked Nicola? “Will we be advocating for pre teens to go to jail as well, or just putting them in leg irons?”
“Look, I don’t want to have to lock them up” explained Chris, “but it’ll be on the table during coalition negotiations and if we end up going with it someone might as well make some money eh.”
“Uggzzaackley” said John Key who’d been drinking again and had wandered in to caucus, again. “It’s like I always told Bill if you don’t have poor people you can’t have rich people. Besides which if we’re all just moderately well off and everyone has enough for all the basics then who the hell is going to clean the toilets? Are you gonna clean them Nikki?” He slurred aggressively, then he passed out.
Chris had an image of a cleaning roster and Nicola in a maids outfit with Uncle John chasing after her. He shuddered thinking that if it was Youth Parliament week his image would be of John chasing the earnest young prefects that had arrived wearing their school uniforms. Goodness, he thought, people must never know that this was the real reason the Party hadn’t been selecting young female candidates.
Nicola continued - “what about Brooke’s private members bill to permit the sale of prisoner’s plasma? I can tell you with the names I’m going to be called once we roll out the austerity programme I’ll be buggered if I’m going to be the deputy PM of a government that says we’ll start profiting from the blood of young offenders, the only thing of value they have.”
Chris thought to himself - based on my discussions with Seymour you needn’t worry about being deputy PM love, but he just said “no, we’ll let van Velden be the vampire. Leave that as a point of differentiation with ACT - we’re going to need to find some.”
He went back to addressing the wider team - “I’ve been on the radio and signalled to mom and pop investors that private prisons are going to be a real good earner with all these trouble making young people needing locked up.”
Nicola hissed at him asking why he was being so transparent but he whispered that he had some investments to make and he didn’t want to get done for insider training.
It wasn’t an easy interview, Susie pointed out a bunch of crime statistics were actually coming down. But I gave it the old “oh my god the children, will no one do something about the truant children ram raiding shops and not going to class?”
“Yes but….” said Nicola, “but the number you gave for truant kids included those who had stayed home sick with COVID, I mean the media will pull you up on that.”
“Meh maybe RNZ” said Chris, “but the others will just smile and nod plus realistically how many RNZ voters are going with us? It’s about as much use going on there as Jacinda talking to Mike Hosking. The audience are only listening to hear you sound ridiculous.”
He did wonder where it would all end I mean allowing ACT to bring back charter schools was one thing, no one was going to complain if they kept these little trouble makers out of sight walking army drills eight hours a day.
People would accept Charter Prisons no trouble, but people might balk at Charter Hospitals for example. Yes unqualified doctors were cheaper and easier to source but there were some down sides that could be delicate publicly.
At least he could get rid of the last of the mandates in the health sector. Let’s be honest encountering COVID was pretty minor compared to some of the issues the unfortunates reliant on the public health system might encounter under the new system. Using ex P cooks as pharmacists was one thing but environmentalists as anaesthetists just because Seymour said they put him to sleep?
Chris had hoped big Sam would be his Corrections Minister with his interest in people moving on from their wrong doings but now he was in hiding at Uncle John’s "Te Puke” apartment under strict instructions not to speak to anyone, and for goodness sake not to come back with a tan.
He wished the people asking “where is Sam?” would just quit it, ugh is this what Jacinda had to go through with all the Clarke Gayford tinfoil theories? Nope, he was going to have to go with someone else.
Simon O’Connor was the current spokesperson but he wanted to baptise all the prisoners and sending a message that they could be forgiven their sins was entirely the wrong message.
He could go with Mark Mitchell, inspector plod, as an ex mercenary he certainty knew about making money out of the misfortune of others but he didn’t really trust him - come on he looked like an old styled butcher that kept his finger on the scales while he was weighting your order.
Bring back Crusher? Ewww he shuddered at the thought. Perhaps Simeon Brown he seemed to have quite an old testament vindictive streak.
Shane Reti put his hand up and said “how about instead of of fog cannons and bollards, roller doors and calls for more kids to go to prison, dairies just stopped selling cigarettes?”
Chris Bishop who was not only responsible for speaking on respiratory illness emergencies but also spokesperson for tobacco had a coughing fit. “Oh come on a few ciggies never hurt anyone” he rasped. “Myself I like the smooth flavour of Winston Blue” he said holding up a packet. “Although if you get COVID I recommend you switch to menthols, it’s important to look after yourself.”
Bishop was feeling quite positive, cigarettes might be banned from the state service but bring in charter prisons and they’d be hard currency once again he smirked.
Erica, the rising young liberal in the ranks, was a bit concerned she asked if they’d seen that case in America recently where the justice system was colluding with prisons to ensure an endless stream of profits built on wrecking the lives of young people?
Christopher did his best sympathetic face and placed a hand on her shoulder in comfort “Erica it’s not like we’re going to tell our judiciary to stock our prisons full of young people from underprivileged backgrounds, with an over representation of Maori.”
Then he and Paul Goldsmith roared with laughter - “I’m pretty sure they’ve got that covered already!” The humour rippled around the room like a Mexican wave.
Erica felt a bit better about that, yes she thought, we’re just making the best of a bad situation.
Meanwhile up in Auckland….
David sat in the back of the car, he liked the loud music that made the whole vehicle shake but he didn’t like the smoke, it hurt his eyes and made him cough. He should have been in Home Economics they were making scones, he’d never seen anyone make scones before.
He quite liked Intermediate especially the cooking, they got to eat what they made for lunch. He wondered how his partner Nathan was getting on. It would’ve been fun mucking around together sifting the flour and accidentally spilling some of it on the girls who sat at the bench in front of theirs.
The car stopped and he was handed a balaclava and a knife, “If that Indian cunt gives us any trouble you stick him with this ok”
He nodded but he couldn’t help some tears coming. “Ow look at this sad fulla eh, don’t worry boy you won’t get in trouble you’re under 14 right?”
“I’m 12” said David taking them and wiping his nose on his sleeve.
brilliant and sobering esp the last paragraph...
So good Nick and sadly so much of what you said, is and will be, true if we are so unfortunate as to have these numpties running the show. Like Peter says last para very sobering.