No Fricken' Chicken on Q&A
Christopher Luxon does not pull on his big boy pants and face Jack Tame.
These train conversations are passing me by
And I don't have nothing to say
You get what you pay for
But I just had no intention of living this way
I need a phone call, I need a plane ride
I need a sunburn, I need a raincoat
And I get no answers, and I don't get no change
Writer: Adam Duritz.
It was all going to be so easy. I had a title, not this one; I’d even mocked up a silly cover image. Now I just needed to wait until 9 am, and I could write about the Prime Minister finally braving an appearance on Q&A. Surely Jack Tame would do something no other had managed and actually get Christopher Luxon to answer a question meaningfully.
Yeah, not so much. Turns out he wasn’t appearing after all - so there is me with no topic, no prep, and the sun already rising up the sky. Bugger.
I should clarify that I haven’t lost my mind. This plan wasn’t developed on the off chance that Luxon might rock up to Q&A after the clamour for him to find some intestinal fortitude and answer questions. There was a reason I thought the interview was going to occur.
Mid-afternoon yesterday, I saw a post saying RNZ had announced that Luxon would be on the show. It made me laugh at how weak he was, and I wondered whether he’d only agreed to appear because internal polling suggested people had had a gutful of him not fronting up with anything other than waffle and the occasional angry snarl.
There was nothing on 1 News, RNZ, or posted by Q&A, but I found a couple of people had tweeted similarly after hearing the RNZ announcement about his appearance. Based upon his reluctance to date, such is my cynicism of the man that I wondered if his minders had agreed on the proviso that the show not be advertised.
Thinking about it that didn’t make a lot of sense as no doubt more people would see short segments or reports on the show than actually watched live. I wondered what he might say and set about cutting out chicken outfit images - as you do.
I tweeted the following and asked similar on Facebook:
Although I was still slightly doubtful, given the lack of official information, I could see others making similar posts. It occurred to me that this was how misinformation spread, but the sources all seemed legit. Needless to say, there were many ideas for questions and comments about the PM’s newfound courage.
Of course, there were numerous suggestions that he be asked when he’d resign and/or piss off. I especially liked this one from Maurice: “When will he resign and take up his new job as McDonald's restaurant manager in Christchurch?”
Given his prior reluctance to face the mighty Tame, Lindy proposed that he be asked “If he has Depends on?” whereas Pam suggested he “go on an international leadership course…urgently!”
Julian reckoned he should be called out big time, “Call him out on everything...cherry picking stats on crime, low GDP, big unemployment, mass migration to Aussie, businesses closing...”
Those all seemed like sensible topics, to which I would’ve added Seymour’s Anti-Principles Bill and the condition of our Health system, but I imagined his people would keep him, and Jack, on a very tight leash. No doubt, expecting to see questions ahead of time without any surprises so he could rehearse a script. Don’t you love transparency?
Others were concerned at which Jack would turn up. Tina commented, “As long as he doesn't let him off the hook, I don't care...sick of this guy not being held accountable on the daily.” Brian added, “Will Jack be nimble or Jack be tame? Ngāpei was more optimistic, “Hopefully, Jack will do his job and go for the jugular on everything”
Brent was sceptical about the whole thing: “Love your writing, Nick Rockel, but surely this might be fake news? Who is lending him a backbone? Who will be the puppet master and ventriloquist?”
Moana had a very direct comment:
Jan asked, “When is the government going to provide decent inter-island ferries before the public has to raise funds because they were needed yesterday?”
That is a bloody good question. The whole matter has been a debacle, both in the way it was handled with the financial penalties paid to cancel the ferries and the fact that it feels like we’re about one breakdown or serious event away from severed road links between the islands.
Good lord, they are spending so many billions on roads; I know they hate spending money on any other form of transport - but without ferries, the road network stops working. While some in the South Island might welcome their independence, if it reaches that point, it will have been a catastrophic piece of short-sighted mismanagement by Nicola Willis.
Actually, scrap that; we shouldn’t be worrying about what-ifs - or more to the point, we bloody well should be. This is already an appalling, negligent piece of leadership from the Finance Minister who seems to be making all the calls. Perhaps it should be her rather than Chicken Boy on Q&A? Not that she would be any more willing to provide answers to questions.
As it turned out, neither of them was coming.
This morning dawned. There was still no confirmation from Q&A, and the person who posted the original post made another saying he wouldn’t be on. I had no idea if that meant he had been coming and then pulled out; perhaps his minders put him through his paces and realised they were working with a dud. Or maybe he’d never been coming at all.
Yowsers. So there I was, with no topic, no prep, no newsletter, and nothing to watch on Q&A. Plus, I felt like I’d misled people. Bugger.
Unlike Mr Luxon, I put on my big boy pants, updated my post about it, and made another, hoping people might see it and not end up turning on Q&A and wondering where on earth the PM was and what the heck Nick had been going on about.
It turns out the interview was with that ACT chap who has no interest in the Arts. You know—their Arts spokesperson—except he’d be talking about euthanasia, which apparently ACT is looking to expand. Sorry, I shouldn’t joke about such a serious matter other than to say if you were picking a cover boy for that topic, then I think ACT, as opposed to Q&A, got their man.
Understandably, people were disappointed at the lack of a train wreck to spectate.
Rachel from the UK said “Wanker” and then clarified that she meant Luxon rather than me. I thanked her for the clarification saying, “It's a bit early here to be called a wanker.”
In fairness to Luxon, I have no idea if a date was ever confirmed or if the confusion resulted from him saying he would appear but not when.
Despite that, there were a few assessments of his courage and character, which, although possibly unfair, were nevertheless 100% correct. Words like “jellyfish” and “coward”, both preceded with ‘F’ words. The former the one normal people use, the latter the imitation one that Luxon is apparently so fricken’ fond of.
“Cowardly weasel,” “Frikken scaredy cat! Meow!” Folks seemed to be finding it therapeutic. Jane noted, “It would take him more than a week to prepare. Maybe Jack has given him a list of questions so he can spend a couple of months preparing the answers!”
Patrida summed things up, “I don't think Luxon is enjoying being the PM as much as he thought he would. That whole accountability thing is proving quite challenging for him. Yet I clearly remember him gleefully calling out the Labour government (for mostly unfounded trespasses) while in opposition regularly. Not quite so much fun on the receiving end.”
So there we go. No appearance from the Prime Minister on Q&A this morning to answer questions, just a commitment to do so before the end of the year.
My apologies to those I put wrong, and a lesson to perhaps hold fire, although if I waited for official confirmation of everything before writing about it, there wouldn’t be much to say—you know, on account of the lack of answering questions.
I hope that wasn’t too disappointing. On the upside, you didn’t spend the morning watching Luxon, and no one threw anything at the television or swore at a volume the neighbours could hear. I hope you have a good one, folks, and I'm sorry for the misunderstanding.
Given that lots of people who aren’t subscribers will have seen my posts about Luxon appearing on Q&A, I feel it’s only right to leave this public so everyone can enjoy my embarrassment. 😂 Rest assured, next week’s newsletters will be paywalled. So, if you’d like to read those, please consider a subscription. 🙂
Today’s music is not about chickens, but it is from a band called Counting Crows. It’s also not a single song but a live performance of an entire album. And it’s not just any album, either. I’m not saying August and Everything After is the greatest album ever made, but I can’t think of another one that means more to me.
I saw someone post this last night—my apologies; I forget who—and the intimacy and emotion of the live performance blew me away. Maybe give the opening number a listen and see what you think.
A more interesting interview with ‘Chickenman” would be with the boys from BHN, you know that they wouldn’t shy away from the hard fricken questions. The scripted question and answer routine doesn’t tell the public what they want/need to know.
Oooh! I'd love to be writing the Q&A questions. I'd haul it all back to the origins of the shit-show that has emerged, and ask Luxon why. Why he agreed to coalition conditions. Why agree to the Treaty Principles bill - did he really not consider the consequences? Why did he agree to tobacco and gun lobbyists to become ministers responsible for their 'specialties'. Why was it so important to give landlords $$ and take $$ away from programs and organisations that actually help people? Does he really believe stating "it's the coalition agreement" precludes him from culpability or complicity? If so, why? It's no longer the pre-election smoke & mirrors diversion show "it's all Labour's fault". The consequences of the coalition's policies are already in play. Why did he think they'd work? Where did they come from? UK tories or Atlas? Why? But, yeh, I'm dreaming. It will be a big word salad of corporate speak, laser focus and "listen" nothingness.