Basket Cases

NZ First, more cooked than ever.

Do you have the time to listen to me whine
About nothing and everything all at once?
I am one of those
Melodramatic fools
Neurotic to the bone
No doubt about it

Songwriters: Billie Joe Armstrong / Frank E III Wright / Michael Ryan Pritchard.

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Right, let’s get into it…

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This morning, Andrea Vance, who called it correctly, if rather confrontingly, on Brooke van Velden, turned her critical pen on the NZ First candidates, and Winston Peters really didn’t like it.

I’m not sure how in touch with reality Peters is these days, as he seems to alternate between acting like a senior statesman and a snarling dog that is absolutely barking. Still, surely, even with Winston’s hatred of the media, he must have known that his recent recruits would attract attention.

The incumbents are bad enough, with Shane “Drill Baby Drill” Jones and Casey “Ciggies” Costello oozing corruption as they assist the mining and tobacco industries against NZ’s interests. But the newcomers are all kinds of special.

Elliot Ikilei, Stuart Nash, Michael Laws, Alfred Ngaro. Image: BeFunky.

You’ve got:

• Elliot Ikilei, the former New Conservatives leader and Hobson’s Pledge’s token brown member, is joining Casey Costello in the Pledger contingent within NZ First. He opposes the existence of the Māori seats and has defended Israel Folau’s public opposition to homosexuality.

• Stuart Nash, a man kicked out of the Labour Party for his unscrupulous dealings, will find that sort of behaviour is not only accepted but expected in his new home. In time, he may take the champion corporate crony mantle from the Matua, but before you’re tempted to vote for him, check how he defines a woman - no other party would touch him with a barge pole after that.

• Alfred Ngaro, former National MP and a dull brute of a man who really takes the fun out of fundamentalist Christianity. As an MP, Alfred voted against same-sex marriage, against abortion law reform, against euthanasia, and he opposed the ban on so-called conversion therapy.

• Michael Laws, former National and NZ First MP, hosts a show on The Platform, a fringe platform where the partly cooked become ever more deluded as they are served disinformation and hate. A cultural vandal, Laws says he wants to be the broadcasting minister and that RNZ would be “first on the chopping list”.

So Winston should hardly have been surprised or angered by Andrea Vance’s article today, but perhaps it struck a bit close to the bone.

Vance starts by asking, “So, what’s up with the whole toxic NZ First manosphere?” and then answers herself, saying:

Winston Peters’ roll-call of candidates is basically a doomscroll through the darkest, most aggrieved corners of the internet.

It’s an algorithmic collection of outrage merchants, culture-war hobbyists, and men convinced Western society is on the brink of collapse, and they’re only one homemade podcast away from saving it.

With the party polling at a steady 11 or 12% and chasing its 1990s glory days, a cast of embittered political zombies has shuffled back onto the scene, looking to reanimate their dead careers.

Cheer up, Winston, at least the “undead” referred to in the headline was Michael Laws and not you. But Mr Peters, who would be our Prime Minister, was not happy and set about showing us how a leader adept in the arts of diplomacy responds.

Winston wrote, “Andrea Vance has written another pathetic butt-hurt ‘opinion piece’ attacking NZFirst.”

Winston Peters. Photo: Mark Mitchell.

Which was ironic, given that there is little more pathetic than an octogenarian using the term “butt-hurt” like a teenage troll. What next from the elder statesman? Perhaps some snowflakes and safe places?

Winston: “No one cares what you think, Andrea. You might think they do in your little Wellington Bluesky bubble full of lanyard-wearing woke lefty losers, but there’s a reason NZFirst support is growing out in the real world.”

Classic Trump behaviour from Peters, attacking the journalist and trying to belittle them for daring to say something he disagreed with. As for “lanyard-wearing woke lefty losers”, I imagine MPs have to carry a fob or security card to get around parliament; what a bizarre thing to attack someone over - wearing a lanyard.

But Winston J Trump was just getting warmed up and also said, “We are the enemy of what you stand for and the enemy of your woke mind virus that has infected so much of our mainstream media that you can’t even figure out why no one trusts your industry anymore.”

I’m not sure what Winston meant by the “woke mind virus”, but I’m guessing he means empathy - either that or not yelling out derogatory insults like schoolchildren - is that woke? But be careful what you wish for, Winnie; Andrea is also quite good at insults, and few people would consider her use of that word as being particularly “woke”.

Winston: “Your loser ‘News of the World’ opinions do nothing but confirm we are directly over the target.” A curious insult comparing Vance’s work with a defunct tabloid that spread absolute nonsense to the poorly educated; perhaps he was thinking of his candidate Michael Laws, who has been doing just that.

Winston finishes, “It’s you, and people like you, that is the reason we are doing so well and why we will win in November - the poetic part is that you don’t even know it.”

Another odd thing to say: I seriously doubt that many of those who shuffle along to Winston’s meetings are avid readers of The Post's politics section. It’s also an incredibly strange way for someone with an insatiable appetite for respect to behave. Not so much a leader of people as the king of the deluded and the deplorable.

The unfortunate truth is that NZ First appears likely to do very well in this election, which presumably explains why these recycled old MPs are looking to get aboard, with the high likelihood of a list seat and the baubles that come with it. As for what these men will be able to achieve should they return to parliament, I’ll give the last words to Andrea, who finished her column thus:

The joke is on the resurrected candidates chasing Parliament’s spotlight.

It’s a classic manosphere hustle, lads. You buy into the brand expecting to be alpha disruptors, but as an NZ First backbencher, your only job is to be embalmed and keep the caucus seats warm.

Have a good Sunday, folks. If you find yourself at a loss, maybe put your hand up for NZ First; they’ll take anyone, but it would help if you were open to racism and to greasing the wheels of commerce with open palms.

Ngā mihi,
Nick.

To end today, here’s Green Day with "Basket Case”.