Bye Bye Brooke
ACT’s deputy leader announces her departure.
It's something unpredictable
But in the end, it's right
I hope you had the time of your life
Songwriters: Billie Joe Armstrong / Tre Cool / Mike Dirnt.
Usually, when a senior political figure stands down, we reflect on the good they have achieved, remove our blinkers of party loyalty, and recognise that someone has worked in the interests of our country, even if it wasn’t what we might have done.
But not this time.
This time, there will be no fond moments to let the less appetising events slide from memory. No waiting to hear how that person stood by the principles and the goals that brought them to our parliament. This time, there is only gladness that they are leaving, and no redeeming qualities that make you think, “Oh, they weren’t so bad.”
Because this time it is Brooke van Velden, also known as Brooke von Vampire or Brooke van Robot.
This time, there is no sympathy for a woman having suffered simply for being a woman, as many ex-MPs have. The idea that this person could claim any kind of sisterhood is laughable.
When I heard the news, I simply posted:
“Brooke van Velden not contesting 2026 election.”
Ding Dong!
I’m not proud, but I’m also not ashamed, because Brooke van Velden belongs to a select group of people who have caused great hardship and suffering under the mistaken belief that they are doing the right thing. She is in a category with the likes of Margaret Thatcher, Roger Douglas, Ruth Richardson, and, hopefully, one day soon, Nicola Willis.
ACT held a surprise Press Conference with the announcement late this morning, on the way to which Nicole McKee, when walking past, said, “Everything is great”.
And for once, the Minister for Guns and Booze was telling the truth.
Brooke said she wanted to have a go at the Private Sector. I assumed she meant making a lot of money, not dismantling it as she has attempted with the Public Sector.
So where is she going? Look, I don’t want to start any rumours, but put it this way: if you went on a date with a woman who mentioned she was 33 as often as Brooke says, “I’m 33”, you’d probably run for the hills.
During the Press Conference, she was asked if she regretted the role she played in cancelling fair pay claims for women, and Brooke said:
“I don’t linger on bad emotions; I believe that leads to a miserable life. I’m proud of all the decisions that I’ve needed to make in Government. .... I, hand on heart, believe that the decisions I made and the actions I took were in the best interests of the country. And ultimately, I saved the budget.”
So, as working women toil in the small hours, keeping our essential services running, Brooke sleeps easily, although presumably upside down. That sums her up.
David Seymour seemed most concerned and had tried to talk van Velden out of leaving, and can you blame him?
Imagine trying to come up with a new deputy out of this lot, let alone a future leader for when you yourself pull up stumps.
That is a grim field. Where Labour and the Greens have huge amounts of new talent coming through, ACT’s caucus look as if they got to parliament on a dare gone wrong.
Nicole McKee, who at third on the party list is theoretically next in line said, “We have a caucus process to go through. And I would expect that every single member on this stage should put their hands up. We will sit down, and we will have a discussion about it and ... come to a collegial appointment of a deputy.”
But let’s be honest, the next deputy will be whoever David says it will be, and what a choice he has:
Nicole McKee: Line ‘em up and lock and load.
Todd Stephenson: A plant to represent the interests of pharmaceutical companies, cut funding to culture, and make the healthcare system more racist.
Andrew Hoggard: Federated Farmers representative for the ongoing use of farrowing crates and live animal exports.
Karen Chhour: Minister for Boot Camps.
Mark Cameron: Old man yells at clouds, this guy is absolutely cooked.
Simon Court: Climate change denier, Israel enthusiast, and expert on women’s hygiene alternatives.
Parmjeet Parmar: The most racist MP in our parliament, who wanted to send Māori MPs to jail for doing the haka, but said nothing about her soon-to-be ex-colleague yelling out the most offensive phrase in the English language in parliament.
Laura McClure: Seriously, who? This person has done so little in parliament that I’m struggling to recall who they are. Probably the frontrunner on the basis that it’s better the devil you don’t know.
Cameron Luxton: A man most known for having a name like the Prime Minister.
Who would you choose from that lot? I don’t think any of them are remotely qualified to take over from Brooke, and she was awful in pretty much everything she said or did.
This is Brooke’s legacy: women being underpaid, worker safety being undermined, that ridiculous road cone hotline, and bringing the ‘C’ word to parliament.
That word should never be uttered in our parliament, and as some of you might recall from a mistake I made in writing about it, it isn’t suitable for writing in a newsletter.
But I think we need to remember Andrea Vance's words, because despite the outrage over one in particular, the rest of it rings true and should be remembered if you find yourself with any positive thoughts about Brooke as she departs.
The memory I am left with is of Marama Davidson, Carmel Sepuloni, union leaders, and working women speaking about what she had done in a crowded meeting room across the road from Brooke van Velden’s office. I have never seen such anger and pain as that day. That is Brooke’s legacy.
Betraying working women, and she should never be forgiven for that.
Have a good afternoon and take care, all of you lovely people. I don’t wish Brooke any ill, but I’m sure glad to see her go.
Ngā mihi,
Nick.
Subscribe to Nick’s Kōrero today for just $64 a year, just $1.23 a week—a real bargain in today’s prices. Alternatively, you can pay $6.40 per month if that suits you better.
To end today, it’s Green Day with Good Riddance (Time of Your Life).
Great korero Nick. I agree with every comment. Van Velden has been an appalling advocate for women and low waged. Good riddance!
The very best news I've heard for quite some time. Emily Writes put out an email listing all of Brooke's achievements during just this term and jeepers when they are listed it sort of takes your breath away.She truely is just bloody awful. No replacement could be as bad. Could they?