That Word.

An error of judgement and an apology.

Something you might not know about me is that I’m quite a stubborn person. No, really. I don’t much care for criticism I think’s unfair or that I disagree with. Few of us do I suppose.

Back when I was a drinker I’d sometimes respond defensively, even angrily. There are things I’ve said over the years that have been regretted in the cold light of day, with painful remorse.

Two and a half years since I stopped drinking and I’m a more patient person. There are no more mornings when I cringe, wondering what I might have said the night before. But I do still sometimes get things wrong.

Yesterday’s newsletter was one of those. I said something for emphasis, used a word that I knew was offensive to some, in anger at what I was writing about, and I’m not too stubborn to admit that I got it wrong.

If you didn’t read yesterday’s newsletter, you might br wondering what on earth I’m talking about. Which word could’ve been so awful? It was the worst one, you know what that is. A vulgar term used for a part of the female anatomy that is the nuclear option when it comes to swearing.

With the move to streaming services and away from network television the language that we hear in our entertainment has become much coarser over recent years. But that word is still hugely offensive somewhere like the States.

In the UK it’s used sparingly for effect, people know it’s very rude but they don’t lose their minds over it like they would across the Atlantic. On the other side of the Tasman our Aussie mates practically use it as a term of endearment. In the same way we might say someone was a good bloke.

Which is all well and good, but it doesn’t change the fact that I got it wrong.

Sometimes I get it wrong on purpose. There are times when I say things I know will offend and I do it anyway. There are things I’ve said about the situation in Gaza, for example, that were raw and full of emotion. Words that demonstrated that I was angry and sickened but were perhaps not the most rational of choices. But that’s kind of the point, war is not rational. So I sent out those newsletters anyway, knowing some would unsubscribe but not being prepared to compromise or bite my tongue.

There was no similar moral high ground in yesterday’s choice of words, although it was driven by raw emotion.

Similarly for the first 18 months of Nick’s Kōrero I attempted to provide more balance. Then about three months out from the election I watched the tsunami of negative press against the left and decided bugger it, I’m just going to say what I think.

As I’ve written in the past if it’s good enough for Mike Hosking, and many others, to say what they think from an unashamedly right wing stance then bugger it, it’s good enough for me and my little newsletter to call things from a left wing point of view.

Not that I would compare myself to Mike Hosking. That’s a comparison I definitely don’t aspire to.

Talking of Mike Hosking, and this word, reminds me of a line I wrote which alluded to the same thing a bit more cleverly. Referring to a scriptwrite sitting in the ZB studio between Hosking and Kate Hawkesby, I described that person as being the perineum. Which was at least funny, I think. Unlike what I said yesterday.

There was a copy of this painting in the dining room when I grew up, it’s always meant love and respect to me. Tree of life 1909 Gustav Klimt.

The following is one of the comments I received:

I’m grateful to be able to pay you for your enlivened commentary Nick. You help me feel a bit sane whilst suffering the three scrotum sacs who are making racist, sadistic, disenfranchising, and undemocratic laws for our formally beautiful, if flawed, Aotearoa.

However I am absolutely appalled at the lazy use of words you use, namely female genitalia (cunts) and women’s names (Karen, Louise) to carry the shaming of vile patriarchal male beliefs, values and actions!

I note that in the comments here it’s women who have suggested alternatives while the men have congratulated you in this.

So I’m asking you on behalf of my sisters, daughters, grand-daughters and great-granddaughters, to please lead the change, be the male role model who refuses to continue to shame our bodies and names.

You’re a great word-master, I look forward to reading your more appropriate prescriptive and their plurals.

Thank you, Karen.

I liked the way Karen framed her feedback.

Years ago I remember learning a technique of opening with something positive, then delivering the negative bit, before finishing on another positive note. It’s a much more effective way of communicating than just berating someone with negativity.

So a challenge there for those of you with right voting friends and family, see if you can start your next awkward conversation with a few word of praise for the new coalition. 🙂

Ok, so that last bit was joking and lighthearted, but the next part is serious.

I thought about Karen’s feedback and the more I thought about it the more I could see that she was right.

That word is used to spit venom and fury. It’s the word that we use to express utter hatred and contempt, a murderous cry of rage. The truth is it’s no accident that we use a word that is the name of a part of a woman’s body in that way. It’s full of anger, hatred, and malice and it’s fucking horrible.

So to anyone that was offended I am really sorry. But I’m not just sorry because some individuals were upset, I’m sorry because I let myself, and you, down by saying it.

I pride myself on being a good ally to those who are vulnerable, who receive unequal treatment, to tangata whenua, and to women. In my writing I’ve expressed outrage at the way female politicians are targeted in this country.

Claire Curran, Tory Whanau, Poto Williams, Jacinda Ardern, Nanaia Mahuta, Marama Davidson, Kiri Allan. I’ve written about all of them, of the double standards, of how they were treated and targeted because of their gender.

The irony was not lost on me, as I thought about it, that my use of that word yesterday was railing against the horrible words of those continuing to say hateful things about Golriz Ghahraman, at a time when decency would’ve dictated compassion.

As a father I worry tremendously about the pressures on young women, and at the ugly ideas young men are exposed to about women and sex. I’m as concerned by online hatred and bullying as much as the dangers of the physical world - although that too, of course, sees women at much greater risk than men.

I replied to Karen:

A good point. Henceforth all such persons shall be referred to as Trevors, and all coalition members as ballbags. I'm kidding, about the Trevors.

What you say is important and I respect it. My apologies and thank you for your constructively worded comment.

On the face of it the thing about Karens seems quite harmless, but Karen was right on that too. There are plenty of entitled men out there, it seems to have been the word of the last few weeks - so how come the persona we mock is feminine?

As I was thinking about it I figured I’d reach out to Karen and messaged her, hoping it was the right Facebook account. Letting her know I’d replied to her comment and reiterating my apologies for a poor decision and that I appreciated her kindly, constructively, worded response.

I also asked if she minded if I wrote about it and whether it’d be ok to use her name. This was her reply:

Yes, absolutely, go ahead and use my name if you wish. Thank you for continuing this conversation. FYI I’m actually very ok with the ‘word’ itself, but it’s the way it’s been abused. I don’t think men get it that every time it’s used as a flippant or serious insult, the insult affects us physically. As abuse. We actually flinch. So yes, write about it with my blessing and gratitude.

Thanks very much Karen for giving me an insight I ought not to have needed, but which has been positive and helpful for me.

To anyone else that would prefer I hadn’t used that word, my apologies also. I don’t think I’m likely to forget this but should I ever repeat the mistake do feel free to point out the error in my ways.

A note to paid subscribers - this would normally have been paywalled but as the newsletter I’m referring to wasn’t it I didn’t think it would be right to paywall this one. Certain media organisations in this country love to shout accusations and then when proven wrong publish an apology for what was a front page news story on page 17, in small font where hardly anyone reads it. I didn’t want to do that so I’ve kept this one free, I hope that’s ok. Rest assured the next one will be paid.

A note to non subscribers - in coming months I’m intending to reduce the number of posts I make sharing Nick’s Kōrero to different pages. I don’t want to outstay my welcome and I think it’s more meaningful if readers share it than me. If you’d like to make sure you always get a copy of Nick’s Kōrero then please do subscribe. The option on the right hand side is completely free and will mean you’re not susceptible to the vagaries of the social media newsfeed algorithms.

Of course if you’d like to select one of the other options that would be great too 🙂

I found it difficult to think of a song for this newsletter. Apologies if I’ve shared this one before, I suspect I have. It speaks to me of respect, and that more than anything is what I wanted to communicate. A very special song, I hope you like it too.