Climate Catastrophe, but first rugby.
Following full coverage of the new All Blacks coach, worldwide Climate disaster.
Morning mate, how you going?
Well, I was watching the news last night and they announced this scientific report on Climate Change. But before they got to it they had a story about the new All Blacks coach.
Sounds like important news. It’s a bit of a worry really.
Yeah, they were talking about all the damage that’s already been done but mostly how critical it is that we minimise further damage.
You mean to the brand?
I’m not with you. Do you mean the whole 100% pure clean green nonsense?
No, I meant the All Blacks. She’s been a lean year, I’m not feeling it about the World Cup.
Don’t you think the Climate Crisis thing is important? Like maybe something with the word “crisis” requires a certain immediacy of attention?
Well, I mean I guess. But it’s not every day you get a new All Blacks coach, is it? You look like you’ve got something on your mind mate. You want to tell me about the report? Are we passing? You know, getting good grades in the report?
No. The phrase used was - must try harder. Easily distracted, is what it said.
I love the breakdancing, especially that dolphin move. Remember doing that at school? Gosh must be forty years ago, I’d break my hip these days. Did they show him breakdancing?
They showed it about five times. The same clips again and again, as if there was nothing else to report on the news. But there was, the report that came after the breakdancing was a survival guide for humanity to avoid a climate disaster.
That’s good having a survival guide. Is it like get some batteries and a radio? Something to purify the water so you’ve got plenty to drink if there is another flood?
No, it was mostly about not making things any worse. The temperature any hotter, or cyclones and floods worse.
That sounds good, she’s been pretty rough on the farm the last couple of months. Lots of people have it worse but yeah, we don’t want more cyclones. So what do we have to do?
They said to head off global catastrophe we have to reduce our emissions. James Shaw said countries like ours with a lot of methane in their emissions need to get cracking and deal with it.
Oh right, so it’s all down to the farmers is it? Always the old methane. You know we’ve had cows farting in these fields for generations without a problem. Maybe all the scientists and politicians should just stop talking, there’d be a lot less hot air without them. What did the rest of them say, apart from the wacky Greens?
The Prime Minister said they’re still working their way through a process, and obviously they want to keep the farming community, the rural community on side.
So nothing from them then. That fella sounds like he wants to win an election, smart boy. What about the others?
Christopher Luxon said there’s no way they’re going to bring agricultural emissions into an ETS scheme.
Another one that wants to win an election eh? That guy isn’t even pretending to work through a process, just straight out No. Decisive.
Well decisive at choosing to do nothing. Even ACT said it was important that New Zealand was seen to be doing it’s bit, but also to minimise costs to consumers.
That’s a fair point, you’ll never make this popular if it’s going to cost consumers. If people can’t afford the food in their trolleys then this climate stuff will go straight in the too hard basket. Besides farmers have it hard enough right now cleaning up after all these storms without having to worry about this climate change stuff.
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That lady from the Māori party was talking about the fossil fuel industry and helping farmers transition away from synthetic fertiliser. She started talking about emissions but they just cut her off and crossed to stories about the weather.
So it’s just the Greens and the Māori party wanting to upset farmers with changes then? What do you think about Paris?
Oh, you’ve heard of the accords, I’m impressed, it’s just not enough though is it?
Look I didn’t watch the news, I wasn’t talking about any cords. I meant the World Cup final. It’s in October in Paris you know? Hopefully the mighty ABs stuffing the Frogs.
Well if you watched the news you’d have learned two things. Firstly that climate change is important, but not as important as the All Blacks. And second if we go with the same team again we’re stuffed.
You’re not talking the rugby are you?
No, not the rugby. Gee this weather sucks, bloody freezing overnight, feels like May not March. Can't help wondering with that report and all the impacts of climate change whether that's us for the old weather now - maybe this is the new normal? Lots of rain and no summer.
Ah well, mustn’t grumble, nothing to complain about really.
Well, apart from the pending Climate Catastrophe. Never mind that though, they’ve got footage on the news tonight of the coach dancing when he got the news.
If you have five minutes do check out this video which was posted yesterday.
....."Besides farmers have it hard enough right now cleaning up after all these storms without having to worry about this climate change stuff." Priceless.
Not much question that the Johnathan Pie / Prof Haig clip would have been a far more appropriate lead item on the news than New All Black Coach.