DB Punches Down.

Misogynistic bullying leaves a taste worse than Tui.

I never mentioned anything
About the songs that I would sing
Over the summer, when we'd go on tour
And sleep on floors and drink the bad beer
I think I left it unclear

Song: Bad Beer. Songwriter: Jacob Starnes Ewald.

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Last night, I was watching a movie with Fi and the kids when I glanced at the headlines on my phone, and this one caught my eye:

Actually, while I think of it, the movie A Quiet Place: Day One was pretty good. There’s a trailer here if you’re interested. It’s largely a bad things arrive on earth, and lots of people die flick, but there were a couple of beautiful, quite poignant scenes that I wasn’t expecting, and it’s well done. We saw it on Neon.

There were plenty of scary moments to look away from, but the news on my phone was grosser than the gore on the TV. This was unpleasant even for a company known for adverts that cause offence. I took to social media and found that others were outraged as well.

Ahh... we woke liberals do enjoy having our buttons pushed, but isn’t it tiring to be the adult in the room right now?

This was on a day when we had witnessed the elevation of a boorish bully to the highest role in the US, and with its own pitiful appeal to the same sort of misogynists who support Trump, the advert from Tui struck a nerve. I posted and tweeted:

She’s not even an MP anymore; it doesn’t seem like she even did anything this time, and last time, when she screwed up and stole the clothes while suffering from horrendous bullying, she lost her political career. So what do the brave boys at Tui do? Bully her some more.

What’s the message? This is the beer for people who like to see someone kicked while they’re down. Or just that, a good Kiwi bloke laughs at a woman's misery?

Hee haw, have another Tui.

As I’ve written about recently, this beat-up, originating from that vile viaduct villain Leo Molloy, shouldn’t have even made the news. Seeing adverts mocking Golriz to sell beer is just messed up, and it made me want to know what sort of ghastly people sat around laughing about it and decided to run with it.

The really sad thing is they will have calculated the outrage and decided the sales to Neanderthals they can get from this misogynist BS is worth more than pissing a few woke people off who don’t buy their products anyway.

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Just a joke

So what the hell were they thinking? DB Breweries senior marketing manager Cormac van den Hoofdakker, said, “Tui reckons the world has become a bit too serious lately, and believes it has an important role to play in helping Kiwis to not take life too seriously.”

I get that; I’m not some sort of wowser; I like an edgy joke, and although I don’t drink any more, I’ve drunk more than my fair share of beer in the past. To be fair, not Tui, which tastes like someone has released a beer-flavoured soda stream, carbonated fizzy water that kind of tastes a bit like beer but obviously isn’t.

The only time I would drink Tui was when it was the only option at Eden Park, where I was watching the cricket. There is nothing like paying an exorbitant amount for lukewarm, beer-flavoured swill.

Mr van den Hoofdakker from DB continued, “The yeah right revival aims to bring back the lost tradition of having a bit of a laugh – at ourselves, current affairs, public fumbles, or anything really. Tui isn’t afraid to say what we’ve all been thinking.”

“What we’ve all been thinking”, that’s quite telling, isn’t it?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve been thinking that Golriz was pretty hard done by this time around and treated horribly. I certainly wasn’t thinking it would be a good time to make fun of her. But apparently, Cormac and the marketing team at DB Breweries thought their drinkers would be.

Instead of punching down at a vulnerable woman who has received a horrible amount of bullying, why not point that sharp satirical wit in the direction of people who are still politicians, have done something wrong, and have gotten off lightly?

Like Andrew Bayly, who, for his efforts of drunkenly abusing a worker while on a visit in his capacity as a politician, was this week promoted to be the Minister for ACC.

It seems to me like he’d be a better target for “having a bit of a laugh”. Or what about Sam, the bed leg man? He got off scot-free; he’s still an MP, so why not have a go at him?

As I say, I wasn’t the only one pissed off; here are some comments that others added to my post/tweet.

Needless to say, there were lots of comments from misogynist right-wing jerks on Twitter, but they were all from accounts that hid the real person, assuming there is one. I ignore abusive accounts with fake names; either that or it’s a blocking or a mocking for being such a coward. But there were plenty of thoughts from people happy to put their names to their comments.

Sarah: “Have emailed a strongly worded complaint about this. I’m really concerned for Golriz’ well being, and the type of humour the manager thinks is acceptable. Who are these people who have no insight or compassion, regularly attacking the vulnerable?”

Emmie: “Will they raise billboards regarding a case with over 700 days of name suppression for someone ‘politically prominent’ when that's lifted? I bet they don't.”

Fred: “Today, I took my shopping bag into a supermarket in Whakatane. Filled it and took it to the checkout. Nobody stopped me.”

Jill: “Surely Tui wouldn't stoop to picking on someone who can't respond? Yeah, right.”

David:

Sandy: “Boycott the bastards. Here is a link to their brands. https://www.db.co.nz/our-brands Hit them where it hurts.”

Darren: “Billboard suggestion: ‘It tastes as good as craft beer’” Yeah right, indeed.

Given what Sandy and Darren have suggested, perhaps boycotting their products would be a good plan. In my view, as a non-drinker and someone who would have avoided Tui when I was one, that doesn’t sound like much of a loss. Because…

It's probably the worst beer in the world.

I personally find Tui unappealing. However, to avoid simply going with my bias, I have consulted the experts to determine if their view differs from mine, which is:

Over at the Critic Booze Reviews page, the foremost experts, this is what they had to say, and unlike myself, they weren’t holding back:

“Tui is a scourge upon our entire society. Fuck Tui.

It looks and tastes like Speight’s with a little bit of poo mixed in. It’s exactly the same as every other generic NZ Draught style beer, but somehow manages to be worse.

On the nose, I detect subtle notes of wet dog and old semen. It tastes almost entirely of malt and carbonation. It’s difficult to identify any one particular flavour, but I would have to choose… farts. Not necessarily bad farts. Kind of OK, like the way your own farts smell. It’s technically gross, but you can somewhat appreciate it. The aftertaste is just a burst of sweetness and dry-mouth. I get the feeling the brewers may have forgotten to add the hops.

They claim to be an ‘East India Pale Ale’, which is the biggest crock of shit since they told us the earth was round. The IPA was invented because adding a lot of bitter hops to beer meant it could last the entire journey from Britain to India without going off. Tui couldn’t even make it to my Nan’s and back. It lies to your face with all the subtlety of Aaron Smith claiming he doesn’t have a girlfriend.

It tastes like how Michael Cheika’s face looks. It tastes like how a toothy blowjob feels. It tastes like how Max Key’s music sounds. It tastes bad.

Tui ads used to have the line, “You’re a man, you know what you like, and you like what you know”. Well I’m pretty sure I don’t like fermented camel piss in a can, so Tui is out the proverbial fucking window.

The worst part is that you can’t even get properly drunk off this shit. It’s a well-known fact that your liver processes one 4% beer in the time that it takes for you to drink a 4% beer. It’s barely even alcohol. You need a proper finisher, like Diesels, to have a good night. While you’re at it, get a good starter, too, maybe like Diesels. Fuck it; just drink Diesels.

Tui? Yeah Fucking Right

Taste Rating: Fucking shit/10

Froth Level: The All Blacks in the 2007 RWC quarterfinals.

Pairs well with: Having no tastebuds, sense of shame, or self-respect.”

I think that’s a fair summary of a truly awful beer, apparently a product brought to you by some pretty average people.

What do you think about Tui and their latest marketing stunt? Just good fun, or does it perpetuate idiotic male views, leaving as bad a taste in the mouth as the stuff they’re selling?

Have a great day, all you lovely people. If you’re going to buy some beers, do all of us, and especially yourself, a favour - don’t buy Tui.

Ngā mihi,
Nick.

Some of you might find this an odd clip to end with, but there was something about it I found quite endearing and a nice counter to the marketing for misogynists.