Happy Valentine's Day - Bah Humbug.

In recent months I have been the Grinch of Halloween, the Grinch of Guy Fawkes, and even the Grinch of Boxing Day - so why not Valentine’s too? So yeah, Happy Valentine’s Day - and Bah Humbug. Welcome to corporate love day, now there is a romantic phrase.

Parliament doesn’t start again until this afternoon, things are a bit quiet on the political front. I don’t have much to say about the storm yet other than stay dry and safe inside if you possibly can all you lovely people. So I thought I’d write a today-in-history one to hopefully give folks a light read to enjoy under the duvet. So here we are, February 14th the day of commercial, spontaneously scheduled, romantic gestures.

The first I recall of Valentine’s day is of little cards on the doorstep waiting for us when we got home from school - from a secret admirer. My mother seemed oddly enthusiastic about them as I recall, more than the fact that someone had come to our door while we were out leaving notes. It was quite sweet I suppose although less a lesson in “you are loved” to one of “crushing disappointment in future years by comparison”. I’m kidding mum. I hope you and Dad are safe in that “seaside village”, as David Slack refers to it.

Incidentally my mother’s middle name is literally “Valentine”, a name that her own mother liked so much that she changed her middle name to it too.

My own adventures with Valentine’s day started a few years later. There was a girl in my class I fancied so I used all my money and bought her a box of chocolates, addressed it “from a secret admirer” and left it in her letterbox. And then never told her because I was too shy - so she never knew.

I ran into her some years later at a party at a mate’s place, she didn’t mention the chocolates. To be fair she didn’t say much at all as she seemed to spend the entire evening under a duvet with my mate’s older brother, heads and all. The romance that clearly would never be was over - and so a Grinch was born. I’m kidding, I’d discovered alcohol and punk rock by then, if anything I was amused.

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My wife and I don’t “do” Valentine’s day, not a card nor a present, haven’t since the very first year we were together. We might say an ironic “Happy Valentine’s Day” if we realise it is that day. But what we’re really saying is “isn’t it lame that some people buy into this commercial nonsense, we don’t need that to say I love you”. I mean, I think that’s what we’re saying.

Historic Events from this day.

1779 – James Cook is killed near Kealakekua on the Island of Hawaii.

So ended the endeavours of our great discoverer Cook. Doesn’t that always seem weird, that we were taught Cook discovered Aotearoa when clearly it was Tasman? Maybe if Cook had been first instead of the Dutch Zeeland, a province in the Netherlands, we’d have been called New Yorkshire, after Cook’s birthplace instead.

I am joking of course, the place was discovered many hundreds of years earlier by the people already here when Cook and Tasman turned up. Isn’t that the height of arrogance? It’s like me going into a Italian restaurant and when the meal arrives claiming to have invented Lasagne. Hmm maybe rather than New Zeeland, or New Yorkshire, we should go with a Māori name? Seems fair.

1944 – Birth of Alan Parker, English director, producer, and screenwriter (d. 2020)

What an incredible list of movies he directed - Midnight Express, Pink Floyd’s The Wall, Angela’s Ashes, Fame, The Commitments, Mississippi Burning, and my favourite - Bugsy Malone.

One of my happiest memories of high school was taking part in the production of Bugsy Malone in the 5th form. It wasn’t a big part - one of Dandy Dan’s gang, the bad guys. But it was my first involvement in being on stage and I loved it. It didn’t hurt either that we had to go to the girl’s high school down the road.

I remember working in the school metalwork room, with the bloke that was under the blanket in the bit above about Valentine’s Day, making the foam shooting splurge guns. You had to be careful not to hold them pointing downwards before you went on stage or all the foam ran out the barrel and onto the floor.

1977 – Birth of Jim Jefferies, Australian comedian and actor

You probably know Jim from his fabulous anti-gun routine that gets posted every time there is a gun massacre in America. Which is pretty often. In case you haven’t seen it here is part one of that routine on gun control, highly recommend it!

You can find part 2 here.

Do be aware that a lot of Jim’s material is significantly coarser. He is also famous for inventing the celebration of April 18 as Anal Sex Day - I’m not making this up. So ladies if you’ve swiped whichever way one swipes on that “dating” app and the guy turns up wearing an “April 18” T-shirt then grinch, or no grinch, I would have to say that’s probably less romantic than even Valentine’s Day.

Jim has a Netflix special being released today. Yes, on this very day - I’d suggest it’s an unusual choice for Valentine’s Day, but since I’m the grinch go for it. But maybe wear a different shirt.

2005 – YouTube is launched by a group of students.

There will be kids starting work, or off to Uni, this year, who could have watched YouTube before they could walk. Not that we sat kids in front of a computer back then - that was what DVDs were for.

It is clear watching this video of the most viewed YouTube clips that this invention has done much to benefit our society and culture:

2010 – Death of Doug Fieger, American singer-songwriter and guitarist (b. 1952)

Doug was the rhythm guitarist and lead singer of The Knack. A band who were described as being “the next Beatles” but pretty much turned out to be a one-hit wonder. Still, it was a very big hit, co-written and sung by Doug about a 17 year old he fell in love with when he was 25. This was probably considered romantic back then if you were a rock star, certainly more so than if you were the Duke of York!

Since I always finish with a song, and it is Valentine’s Day, I guess I really ought to finish on a nice love song…

I can vividly recall being in Fi's little red car at the traffic lights, raining of course, on the way home from the city. This song, which had just come out, playing on the radio, a couple of months after we met. 26 years later - still "leaves wet towels on the floor".