Hot Damn! It's The Soggy Bottom Boys!

Long Lost Twins, Bottom Feeding Countries, and Maple Syrup Seymour.

Good morning lovely people, and welcome to another weekly review. One which saw our Prime Minister in Washington, running around with all the decorum of Augustus Gloop with a golden ticket, seeking photo opportunities with anyone willing to shake his hand.

Image: G News.

He had his technique down to overcome any surprise, or reluctance, on the part of the recipient. A pat on the back when they weren’t looking, or a grab of the wrist if no hand was offered. A gesture that said, “I’m here, I’ve made it and you can make me look even more important.”

Luxon even managed something his mentor Key never could - a three-way handshake, with no World Cup and only one French man, or whatever this abomination of a greeting was supposed to be?

When Luxon met Macron.

To be fair they do look quite jovial. Perhaps Luxon chose not to mention this week’s anniversary of the Rainbow Warrior? Possibly not the best look, bringing up French state terrorism at a NATO conference. Macron probably just assumed he was meeting a US Senator, perhaps from somewhere southern - like Alabama or Kentucky?

Mark Mitchell's Long Lost Twin

Luxon was meeting Republican Senators at the Capitol when he was asked to comment about President Biden. This followed an opinion piece from lifelong Democrat George Clooney, who urged the President to make way for another candidate.

Nobody wants it to come to this, for this reason, but those ignoring the reality of Biden’s situation do their country, and the world, a disservice. They may be well intentioned but to me their inaction reeks of cowardice. In headlines over night Trump is now leading in the polls.

I’m sorry folks, we’re not talking about whether we have to put Grandpa in a home here, we’re talking about who should best represent the interests of the human race in defeating a fascist bully who will do all he can to end democracy in the US and take vengeance against those who oppose him. He’s not even pretending otherwise.

Last night Michael Douglas said it was hard to imagine Biden serving another four years. “It’s a painful, painful decision because I admire the man tremendously, I personally had a fundraiser for him at our house in April and I think he’s done an incredible job.

But I am worried, not this week or next week but let’s say, next year. It’s just so hard for me to imagine a man four and a half years down the line from now, particularly in a time that’s so combative, that requires someone to really be so articulate.”

While it’s hard to imagine that Biden can continue, surely things have not reached such a dire state that the President of the United States could possibly need advice from Christopher Luxon?

Can you imagine what that would like?

Luxon: “My advice, Mister President, is avoid tricky questions by looking off into the distance, as if you can see the answer over there, while saying things without meaning.”

Biden: “That’s what I am doing. Jackass.”

Surprisingly Luxon managed a rare diplomatic moment in which he neither criticised his own country, or someone else’. Although what he said was very very odd.

“Luxon deflected the question by suggesting Clooney be cast as his Police Minister Mark Mitchell in the event there was a movie about Mitchell’s life.”

WTF? I have so many questions, but just for starters can everyone spot the difference between these two? I know the similarity is uncanny, according to Christopher, but in case you need a clue - that’s Mitchell on the right.

Not Mark Mitchell and Mark Mitchell.

So many questions like - why on earth would someone make a movie about Mark Mitchell? Was it something Luxon blurted out in panicked desperation, wanting to avoid his tendency to load his mouth up with feet, or worse still - a prepared line? Surely not?

Is this an in-joke, do people in the National caucus actually think Mitchell looks like Clooney? My friend Juliet thought the suggestion sounded far too specific. Do they really think things like that? That would suggest they were delusional, although, glass half full, at least they’re quite consistently so.

Let’s just assume for a moment there is going to be a movie, in fact Rob had a suggestion for both funding and plot…

“Perhaps the Nat's could make this movie themselves in a public private partnership arrangement with Fox. Mitchell could be shown valiantly saving hundreds of passengers from disaster on a rogue ferry as he coordinates 500 new police recruits in an ingenious rescue plan involving air beds filled with hot air, some no 8 wire and kiwi ingenuity. Luxon could be played by Johnny Depp, Seymour by a toadstool and Peters by a prune.”

Patrick was quite positive, “The resemblance is uncanny! It's like George is looking into a mirror, but with his eyes closed and the lights turned off.” Indeed, although that description made me think of those who still believe voting for this coalition was a good idea.

Christian suggested a different casting option to play Mitchell - a potato. Unfortunately they were already cast in a small role, Jim “Spud” Bolger.

Others suggested Sergeant Schultz from Hogan’s Heroes or perhaps Benny Hill. Simon was confident in George saying, “Clooney's a great actor, I'm pretty sure he could put on 4,000 pounds, pretend to drop 100 IQ points, maybe botox his tongue. It's a good call.”

Peter on Twitter suggested a closer match might be Hungary’s Viktor Orbán, although I’m not sure if he meant politically or aesthetically.

Not Mark Mitchell, and Mark Mitchell.

To be fair I found the idea of a movie about Mitchell, perhaps an exposé on how a gun for hire turned his life around by offering makeovers to gang members, less bizarre than the suggestion that David Seymour is in fact Canadian.

David Seymour - Canadian as bro

For goodness sake Seymour might hold all the appeal of a Luxon handshake, and be renowned as an “arrogant prick” - but he’s our “arrogant prick”, and those sneaky Canadians can’t claim him. Can they?

My son Matty auditioned recently for a role in Aussie, and he did quite well with the accent. Perhaps he could help Rimmer perfect his Canadian?

I mean what's that aboot eh? Pardon my terrible accent, I learnt it watching Seymour.

One thing I like are the titles these neoliberal think tanks give their young acolytes. Five minutes out of kindergarten, with no real world experience, and all of a sudden they’re a “Senior Policy Analyst”, in a country they know nothing about. Seymour that is, not Jordan or Luke.

Oh Canada. Image: Be Funky.

It’s been a long time since Seymour’s five formative years in Canada, it’s not a place he speaks of often. Which is probably just as well, as some views pertaining to icy places in frozen northern climes are best unmentioned while playing at diplomacy.

My apologies for the heavy handed trowelling of that segue…

PM Declares Iceland Bottom Feeders

Unfortunately the Prime Minister’s suggestion of casting Clooney was not the only odd thing he said on his trip.

“I spoke to everyone from the German Chancellor right down to the Iceland Prime Minister,” Luxon boasted, ranking those countries as he likes to do with people.

Usually he describes individuals as “good”, meaning “rich” or “powerful”, or as “bottom feeders”, by which he means “poor” or “in need”. But here he is doing the same with an entire country. Poor wee Iceland, ranked at the low end, the “bottom feeder” end of the scale, by our Prime Minister. Do you feel proud Aotearoa?

You know I used to write about how embarrassing it would be to have Luxon representing us on the world stage, instead of Jacinda or Chippy. I don’t like to boast, but is anyone enjoying this guy being our shop window to the world?

Which do you find most embarrassing? The idea that our PM reckons Clooney should portray Mark Mitchell, the delusion someone would make a movie about the Police Minister in the first place, Seymour’s absurd fake Canadian accent, or the fact that, like Trump, Luxon has taken to bad mouthing other nations?

For me it’s the Iceland thing. It’s bad enough when the PM puts us down overseas, his own people, without insulting another country that has never done us any wrong.

I don’t usually suffer cultural cringe, the idea that other places are somehow superior, as people like Key and Luxon do - desperate to turn our beautiful Aotearoa into another Singapore or another US State. But watching this guy, even if just a bit player on the world stage, made me cringe this week.

How about you?

Some of you might’ve been wondering about the title of this newsletter, hopefully it all makes sense after watching this. In case you’re still unsure please note that the guy singing is not Mark Mitchell.