Induction Day.
New kids in town.
Yesterday was moving day. Out with the old, and in with the new, as the stark reality of Saturday’s election results were brought home. MPs who had lost their seats were packing up their things, and the newly elected were arriving for induction.
National in particular, with 23 new MPs, had a lot of newcomers ready to learn their stock and trade. They spent the morning practising the key phrases they’d need - “Christopher has my 110% support”, “Nicola Willis really knows her maths”, and “I’m just pleased to be representing [name of your town], go the mighty [name of local sports team]”.
A couple of the more photogenic ones were even allowed to stand in the background nodding along with Nicola while the boss was interviewed for the news. If that wasn’t enough Christopher even asked them how he was looking! Which was super exciting. Although it may have felt less so had they known it’d be the last time he’d ask for their opinions during the three year term.
There had been a bit of awkwardness when new MP Casey Costello had turned up in the class. Security had noted that she was a long term spokesperson for anti-Māori hate group Hobson’s Pledge, and former chair and board member of the Taxpayers’ Union.
They’d assumed that with her hatred for both brown people and poor people she must be from National, after ACT had refused to take her. It turned out she was actually number three on the New Zealand First list.
But that was nothing compared to the confusion caused when “C Luxton”, the new ACT MP showed up. Which was made worse by there being no record of anyone with that name in the government’s systems.
It was all cleared up after Cameron explained that his surname was actually “Clark” and he’d changed it to “Luxton” in the hope of getting more votes. When asked why he hadn’t spelled the name “Luxon”, without a ‘t’, Mr Clark said he didn’t want to be too obvious.
It wasn’t only the MPs who needed to adjust to the new circumstances. The press pack were receiving lessons explaining how they needed to revert from being lions back to being pussy cats now that National was back in charge.
Media chiefs held a joint session explaining the time for serious articles was over. They didn’t want to see anything about workers worried about losing their rights, or public servants wondering who would get the chop first. They certainly didn’t want any stories about middle class Labour voters, on good incomes, checking out the tax calculator and exclaiming “how much?” in utter disappointment.
Newshub lead the way with a story on Max Key posting to Instagram, “what better way to celebrate than a blue sausage party?”, with a photo of his dad cooking blue sausages.
Back to the good old days. Although one of the instructors was dismayed the story hadn’t included any update on Moon Fart, or whatever that cat was called. Enquiring minds would be looking for the media to bring them fully up to speed, and they should remember that at some point readers would recall that there was a new First Family, and John Key wasn’t actually the Prime Minister again.
Meanwhile Josie Pagani, the former “voice of the left”, was years ahead of the others. She’d known which side her bread was buttered on for so long she couldn’t remember a time before she had hated Labour. Coincidentally it was around the time she was only ranked #38 on their party list back in 2011.
Half of the Labour caucus were busy packing up their things into boxes. Although one Labour MP who had departed last year showed he was still carrying a lot of baggage. Baggage he was now ready to unload.
To prove that he was surely the real victim Gaurav also posted a series of vitriolic tweets about Michael Wood, Deborah Russell, and Trevor Mallard. What a guy.
New Te Pāti Māori soothsayer Hana-Rawhiti Maipi-Clarke arrived ready to sort out climate change. If you saw her in Newshub Nation's young leaders' debate prior to the election you might recall her saying “with the recent events, with the floods in Napier, we saw - and it may sound crazy to some - but there were tohu and signals that could predict that before any weather or horticulturist or scientist could give us.”
While I’m not entirely sold on that it seems more reasonable than the Climate Change approaches of National and ACT which are dependent on uninvented technology to sort out all these troublesome bovine burps and farts. Another word for uninvented technology being ‘magic’.
Finally the Green Party held a course for their MPs on phone etiquette. The theme for this year’s induction was No Mean Txts.
This is the 400th edition of “Nick’s Kōrero”. Political satire, news, and views of Aotearoa five times a week, sometimes more. I keep over half the newsletters free for anyone to read but that’s only possible through the support of paid subscribers who enable me to make a living.
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So, Cameron Luxton previously Clark, devious and manipulative from day one, and ACT reject Casey Costello! How many more unsavoury people have made it into to swollen ranks of blue? Putty for Collins to mould, toxic company for bed leg basher and animal neglecting farmer. Ugh!
Thanks Nick. Your column is among those from left wing commentators that I have looked to for solace and encouragement to continue to fight the good fight.