On these days leading into Christmas we take a fly on the wall look at celebrations in the offices of our parliamentary members. Beginning today with the “minor” parties - ACT, Te Pāti Māori, and the Greens. These three king(maker)s of orient(al bay)….
ACT
Brooke van Velden was looking after David ahead of Christmas. He found it a difficult time what with all the giving and goodwill to all. She was comforting him by reading his favourite Christmas story - Pinocchio.
She had tried to explain to him that it wasn’t actually a Christmas story but he smiled at her with those big puppy dog eyes and said “get to the part where he becomes a real boy, that’s my favourite.”
Nicole McKee popped her head into the room, she was wearing army fatigues and carrying a heavy machine gun, she was twitchy and her eyes were bloodshot. “Have you seen them?”, she asked her eyes darting furtively “I’ve been tracking them for days.”
David stammered nervously “who are you tracking Nicole, and have you got a license for that thing?” Nicole clutched the gun close to her chest. “I’ve got a license for this bad boy, vital for a mission like this. Sure you could use a rifle if you had to but if you want to take out a whole troop of reindeer in under a second this is the gun for the job.”
Sometimes Brooke wondered if she should have stayed with the Greens, “I’ll bet they’re not discussing blowing away Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen.” She had an image of Nicole carrying Rudolph’s obliterated corpse over her shoulder ready for butchering. Might need to use it for mince after that she thought.
Meanwhile the rest of the caucus stood round discussing how Father Christmas was a communist for giving to all the children. They knew he didn’t really do it based on merit, no kids were getting coal in their stockings, what sort of lesson was this teaching the kiddies?
Te Pāti Māori
Debbie Ngarewa-Packer was on the phone. Te Pātai Māori had received invites from both major parties to share the festive celebrations at their table. She liked the sound of the Labour one, the company would be much better and they wouldn’t be the only Māori there.
Dr Reti would be present of course, but you really didn’t want to get stuck talking with him. A good doctor no doubt, but good grief the man laughed at the jokes in Christmas Crackers and the ones Christopher Luxon told!
Rawiri said they really should find out what was on the menu before rushing into a decision. If Labour were only offering a chicken dinner with a party hat and some cask wine, but National had crayfish and a side of beef, with Mike Hosking pouring fine wines from his own private cellar - pretty easy decision eh?
She said “I’ve got a call coming in from the Greens, what do you reckon?” He shook his head vigorously, “so much aroha for those guys, our closest whanau here. But I’m not having nut log, hummus, and dandelion wine for Xmas Kai.”
The Greens
The Greens had gotten into the full pagan side of the festival. James Shaw was dressed as a tree standing atop his desk. He had been chosen not because he was leader but as the token straight white male present. From his perch high above he surveyed his team.
It had been a hard year - he’d had that ridiculous challenge to his leadership where a couple of party activists had decided what the party needed was to become less electable. Or at least stick it to the patriarchy, aka James, by undermining him with no plan whatsoever what to do next.
Some of the MPs were so new they hadn’t known what to do. Elizabeth and Teanau didn’t even know to say they supported the leader, he chuckled.
Most of the caucus had dressed themselves as woodland creatures in homemade costumes made from wrapping paper that was too far gone to be reused again. They danced around James chanting prayers to Gaia, Pachamama, and the Indigo Girls.
He could see that Golriz and Chloe had chosen not to take part in the dressing up but were busily eating the special brownies that Nándor had sent to “help the party along”.
As she reached for her third brownie Golriz complained that she didn’t see what was so special about the brownies. They weren’t cut into Christmas shapes, or decorated, or anything. Chloe just nodded knowingly and asked very seriously, even for Chloe, if she fancied a Maccas run. Golriz found she wasn’t as horrified by the idea as she ought to be.
Cross Party Festivities
Later that evening our merry group of revellers from across the parties gathered together, to put aside their party differences, and remember the magic of Christmas - some of them would be in government by the time of the next one.
Simon Court, who had eaten all the leftover brownie, could be heard outside shrieking with laughter as he slid down Trevor Mallard’s slide saying “best use of taxpayer’s money ever!”, before running round to the steps yelling “again again”.
Chloe and Golriz stood in the back eating Big Macs to the horror of their colleagues. Not only were they eating meat, and supporting an evil corporation, but they had used Uber that exploiter of immigrant labour, said Ricardo who was lecturing them about their exploitation. Chloe turned slowly to Golriz and said, “you know, I can see why so many people find him really bloody annoying”
Golriz thought this was hilarious and laughed for a long time until tears of mascara were running to the sides of her mouth, mixing with the burger grease. “Yeah, my family didn’t escape Iran - by the way, have I told you about that?” Chloe nodded, she most certainly had!
“My family didn’t escape from all that so I’d have to listen to Mr Fun Police here - lets get a pizza next with real cheese and pepperoni.” There was a look of recognition between them, acknowledging that vegan cheese was the most unpleasant and joyless food they could imagine.
In a surprisingly sweet act David, who was on his fifth glass of eggnog, began to serenade his deputy Brooke using a ukulele Te Pāti Māori had brought along.
It was definitely time to go home.
You are naughty Nick- but I like it. lol Too true about Ricardo Mendes- he is bloody annoying. Chloe,and Gohlriz eating Maccas-how profane! Spot on about Rawiri Waititi- he wouldn't want to compromise on his kai. Nut loaf.Yeah/NAH. I look forward to art Two with the NATS and Labour parties in the firing line. NZ First must not be left out!
Love it.