Mostly Harmless?
DON'T PANIC - it's Towel Day.
And we live in a beautiful world
Yeah, we do, yeah, we do
We live in a beautiful world
Songwriters: Christopher Martin / Guy Berryman / William Champion / Jonathan Buckland.
Morena 🙂
I’ve written recently about enjoying sci-fi like Logan’s Run and Blake's 7, and comedies like The Young Ones when I was a kid. Combining my love of the two genres was The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. I borrowed the books from my mate Keith, and we recorded the TV series to VHS and watched it repeatedly.
The stories were full of fantastical ideas and biting commentary. From lying in front of bulldozers to hiding plans in a locked filing cabinet in a disused lavatory with a sign that said 'Beware the Leopard,' even the answer to 'Life, the Universe, and Everything’. As well as some sage advice:
Today, the 25th of May, is Towel Day, first observed on 25 May 2001, two weeks after Adams' death, commemorating the passing of the hilarious and highly imaginative author, who taught us that an essential aspect of intergalactic space travel was knowing where your towel was.
Today, more than on other days, we must keep our wits, and our towels, at the ready. Because, look out, here comes…
David Seymour, and in case you didn’t realise, this time next week he’ll be the Deputy Prime Minister of Aotearoa New Zealand. Deputy Dave, now that sounds like a job for a wet towel twisted and snapped with a flick of the wrist.
I know what you’re thinking, you’ve got the wrong sci-fi comedy, Nick. We all know that Seymour is associated with Red Dwarf, featuring Kryten, the modest and ever-so-helpful robot assistant, but there are two problems with that.
Although many people may be lying shipwrecked and comatose, after a big Saturday, today is not International Mango Juice day; it’s Towel Day.
Kryten is concerned for others, and has little in the way of ego - he’s no David Seymour. Whereas Marvin, the depressed android in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, constantly brings everyone down with everything he says, which is David to a T.
Farewell, Winston; hello, Deputy Dave.
In today’s NZ Herald, their Kaupapa Māori Editor, Joseph Los'e, has an article titled: Māori have nothing to fear from me when I’m Deputy Prime Minister - David Seymour.
If you’d like to read the article, it isn’t paywalled. I’m going to take a look at some of the claims our nation’s next number two has made, which boil down to him saying that Act is not an anti-Māori party and Māori have nothing to fear from him.
Which might come as a surprise to the three Te Pāti Māori MPs who discovered ACT MP Parmjeet Parmar wanted to explore the possibility of putting them in prison.
Not to mention the people across the motu who made a record number of submissions opposing the Treaty Principles Bill and saw the largest protest in the history of our country to stand against ACT’s attack on Māori.
What else you got, Seymour, because your claim that Māori have nothing to fear seems to be the opposite of the truth, given the changes of the last 18 months, to undermine every effort to address systemic disadvantage and even the use of Te Reo.
“There are people who try to paint me as anti-Māori, despite me being Māori. I’m very proud of my heritage,” said Seymour, ironically playing the race card by inferring that he couldn’t be anti-Māori because he was one.
Newsflash, Dave - I’m male and pākehā, and a lot of the time I’m not particularly enamoured with other male pākehā, because we cause most of the problems in this country.
Rest assured, when people say you’re Anti-Māori, it has nothing to do with the blood in your veins, assuming such tepid stuff exists; it’s about the words coming out of your mouth.
The party of open minds and open arms.
Seymour said, “Act is a party of open minds and open arms.” Seriously Dave? Next time you’re in parliament, turn around and look at your backbenchers - vacant craniums do not equal open minds. As for “open arms”, it’s hard to imagine a group with less warmth or hug appeal.
“People have these empty slogans about me, but when I ask them to tell me an example of something I’ve said or done to support their view that I’m racist, they can’t,” Seymour said.
This is a common tactic of right-wing Twitter trolls who spew their vileness all while protesting their innocence, and bleating, “show me an example”.
Ok, Dave. How about saying you wanted to blow up the Ministry of Pacific Peoples - that sounds pretty bloody racist to me.
I had to smile when Seymour complained that, “the media often report Māori are one homogenous group who think as one and speak with one voice. That’s not true and quite offensive to say that about any group.” Not because he is wrong, but because he is right on this occasion; yet, the irony is that his actions have probably done more to unite Māori than anything else in a generation. And not only Māori.
A few years ago, I recall seeing my Uncle Ian wearing a Tangata Tiriti t-shirt and thinking it was pretty cool, but I didn't understand what it meant. Now, thanks to Seymour, I'm sure of my identity as Tangata Tiriti in this land and believe in the very things that he opposes more than ever, and I’m sure there are thousands more like me.
Not all Māori.
Seymour said many Māori do very well and don’t need government support or assistance. “So let’s help the people in need and not focus on their ancestry.”
Focusing on exceptions rather than the average difference in outcomes is faulty logic. We all know the statistics, including Dave, so why dismiss the overall picture by saying some people are just fine?
There are two possible reasons for the difference:
It’s inherently down to Māori, or in other words, racism.
The difference is due to historic and current injustices and unequal treatment.
Seymour says we need to move on from the second reason. Not as many of us believe, by doing something about it, but rather by ignoring it and pretending it isn’t there.
The truth is, there are differences, and there is also a legitimate scientific basis for sometimes treating people differently, which is why many of us were so horrified by Simeon Brown raising the age of Māori eligibility for Bowel Cancer screening from 50 to 58, knowing it would directly lead to people dying early.
In September, a New Zealand Medical Journal editorial said, “Suggesting ... ‘colour-blind’ variables may be better proxies for health need than ethnicity is blatantly untrue and misleading, and encourages weak analytical science and will likely lead to greater waste of public resources due to less effective targeting of resources towards groups with highest need.”
But who needs facts, right, Dave?
Speaking of which, Seymour notes in the article that, “People took away my microphone at Waitangi and were afraid to let me speak.”
I was there too, David, that’s not quite what happened. You spoke, and people stood, turned their backs to you, and sang, and I will never forget it.
Yes, one old chap moved your microphone away temporarily, but it wasn’t that people were afraid to let you speak. We’ve listened to you far more than 8% support should ever warrant. It’s that we don’t want to hear your poisonous fabrications dressing prejudice as freedom.
And now you’re going to be the Deputy Prime Minister, another fine mess that Christopher Luxon’s ego has gotten us into.
With all you’ve seen of David Seymour this term, how do you feel about him being our deputy PM?
Do keep in mind that Christopher Luxon’s preference is to spend much of his time travelling the globe as a roaming salesman of Aotearoa, so Seymour is going to spend quite a bit of the next year and a half as Acting PM.
Have a great Sunday, folks. Keep those towels close at hand; maybe wrap them tightly around your head the next time Seymour unleashes his Vogon poetry.
Ngā mihi,
Nick.
To end today, here’s Don’t Panic from Coldplay’s fabulous debut album Parachutes.
Shit the 31st of May, Im of mixed emotions about wee mental davey as co-pilot, intense rage or a cold sweat. I do have a wild fantasy that drunkle winnie will spit the dummy and initiate a snap election.
Well, silly me! When I heard Seymour talking about "open arms" I thought he was referring to ACT's gun policy.