Take This Bottle, Loser.

A ministerial visit from Andrew Bayly.

Cuz I've done wrong
And I'm a little afraid
And I ain't too strong
And this ain't easy to say:

Take this bottle
Take this bottle
And just walk away - the both of you
And let me feel the pain - I've done to you

Songwriters: Michael Allen Patton / Bill Gould / Michael Andrew Bordin

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In case you missed it, yesterday heralded a new era of coalition ministers being open, transparent and more honest about what they think of those who get paid to supply labour in this country.

Thus far, it has mostly been gentle mocking. For example, Christopher Luxon turns up on a construction site, puts on the hi-vis, and says, “It’s great to be on the tools,” after someone has told him which end of a hammer to hold while sniggering behind their hands as to who the real tool is.

Others are quite openly antagonistic towards the public—a “with us or against us” attitude, as shown by Shane Jones. A Minister who seems to view those who disagree with him or didn’t vote for him - so upwards of 94% of the population, as his enemy.

For the most part, though, ministers keep their revulsion for the great unwashed in check, saving it for the security of the cabinet room, where they’re among friends.

What did Andrew Bayly do?

Yesterday, though, the largely non-noteworthy MP for Port Waikato and Minister for Small Business and Manufacturing hit the headlines - hard.

Bayly had been on a ministerial visit, and at this point, I’ll let the victim’s words do the talking, from the letter of complaint:

When Andrew Bayly was introduced to me, one of the first things he asked was why I was still at work. His tone was dismissive, and he proceeded to say, “Take a bottle of wine and go home, go on, go home...take some wine and f*** off.”

His behaviour and the way he spoke to me suggested that he had been drinking prior to arriving, which made the situation even more uncomfortable. Certainly not the demeanour one would expect from a representative of the New Zealand Government.

So that’s pretty crap, but at a push, you might accept that Bayly was joking around, suggesting it was the end of the week and he should go home and relax. With a little more colour in his language than one might expect. But then it got worse, much worse:

As he stepped closer, invading my personal space until we were shoulder to shoulder, Andrew again questioned why I was still working, noting that no one else was on the warehouse floor. What followed next was both shocking and humiliating. He called me a “loser” repeatedly, saying the reason I was still at work was because I am a “loser.”

He turned to the group of people with him at the time, including my boss, the Minister’s assistant, marketing staff, and employees, and formed an ‘L’ with his fingers on his forehead.

Ok, so that’s not even remotely reasonable by any stretch of being open-minded. That sounds like the petulant words of someone who has had a few belligerently badgering the target of their “joke” which had fallen flat. And that is a generous interpretation.

Andrew Bayly with bottles. Image: BeFunky

But it gets worse, and it also becomes more obvious that Andrew was almost certainly inebriated. I mean, you’d hate to think that he acted like this when sober:

He then continued to call me a “loser,” over and over, clearly trying to amuse the group at my expense. I felt angered and powerless in that moment, made to feel like I was the object of ridicule in front of my peers. It was degrading to be insulted in such a personal way, and I was left feeling embarrassed. Being called a loser, repeatedly, by someone in a position of authority, and being made a laughing stock in front of my colleagues, was an experience that no one should have to endure.

After this, Andrew and the group left the warehouse, but twice Andrew returned, insisting that I come to the [...] and “have a drink” with him. On both occasions, I refused. The entire situation was deeply uncomfortable, and I felt as though I had no choice but to lock the warehouse early and leave, as I was overwhelmed with absolute disgust from the minister’s treatment towards myself.

To my mind, that is the behaviour of someone drunk while on their ministerial duties. Having caused such offence and retaining some vague awareness that your behaviour has been appalling, he then returns to try and smooth things over by repeatedly asking the person to just have a drink. Come on, folks, this one is open and shut.

Who is this Andrew Bayly anyway?

You might recall him from the most farcical and pointless of by-elections soon after our general election. The ACT party candidate for Port Waikato had sadly died, and while that may not have impacted the result in the safest of blue seats, it somehow was deemed to have disadvantaged ACT, so they did the only logical thing possible and gave National an extra MP —a bonus one—just for being winners.

If you think I’m making this up, and I wish I were, you can read more about that woeful footnote in our electoral history here:

Then, there was the time Andrew shot his brother. He kept that quiet; you would really, wouldn’t you? He also kept his own shareholdings rather quiet while castigating Michael Wood for foolishly not addressing his. You can read about that double standard here.

Judith Collins considered Bayly to be good enough to be half a finance spokesperson. Unable to find a single person in her caucus to match Grant Robertson, she decided that two inferior options might do the job.

So, she split the role between Bayly and Michael Woodhouse. Fortunately, the Kiwi public soundly rejected Mrs Collins and was spared the delight of that dynamic duo running the country’s finances.

Why did he do it?

Various reasons will be offered, but sometimes the most obvious answer is the right one, allegedly. We all know Andrew wasn’t just having a bad day; he hadn’t simply let his guard down and shown his inner asshole. Without putting too fine a point on it, I’d bet dollars to doughnuts that Mr Bayly was three sheets to the wind.

Pissed as a newt. While Simeon Brown might have the face of a rodent, Mr Bayly was most definitely rat-assed.

Come on, pal, those of us who have been heavy drinkers and anyone who has ever seen someone act like that have a pretty good idea of what caused those events. The Minister was munted. Drunk as the lord, he no doubt imagines himself to be.

Where is the kindness the right would cry? After all, we’ve all done something like this, haven’t we?

By ‘we’, I mean functioning alcoholics, not the general population. Also, to be fair to many heavy drinkers, the experience might be a stupid online comment late at night, regretted and deleted in the morning or, worst case, an argument with someone while waiting for a kebab, but not on a ministerial visit like this.

Sadly, Mr Bayly was not breath tested, so it’s hard to be sure that he was drunk, but it certainly reads like it, doesn’t it? Sober people don’t typically harangue random members of the public like this, much less non-intoxicated government ministers.

I always assumed Bayly was a lush based on his voice in parliament. It has that moist quality that Mike Hosking takes on when he’s talking about something he thinks is luxurious. Although where Hosking sounds like he’s got a plum in his mouth, or in fact two - incidentally both belonging to the Prime Minister, Mr Bailey sounds like he’s had a bottle of gin - before question time.

Listen to him slurring away the next time he speaks in parliament. Although one imagines speaking privileges might be removed from Mr Bayly for a while as he acts contritely and promises not to get caught again.

But he did apologise, right?

He issued a statement with some words in it, so I suppose that’s an apology. But mostly, he tried to put it right with some wine, inviting the person he had acted so appallingly towards to have a few and forget all about the fact that he’d been so obnoxious. Something seemed quite familiar about that style of apology…

In his apology email, Bayly said, “While I mean my comments in a light-hearted manner, I accept that they made you feel embarrassed and insulted. I got it wrong, and I deeply regret this. I am sorry.”

Naw, isn’t it nice when an apology includes accepting that someone else felt a certain way? As if that was down to their sensitivities and not your obnoxiousness.

Bayly continued, “I want to reassure you that I was not intoxicated when we met. Regardless, my behaviour was unbecoming of a government minister.”

Are you sure, Andrew? While it might be embarrassing for people to know you were pissed, surely it’s better than them thinking that’s just you being your real self, unimpaired?

So what will Christopher Luxon do?

Captain Management, the Prime Minister without portfolio, sets a very high standard for MPs. Fortunately for Mr Bayly, that’s for opposition MPs, not his cabinet.

If you’re a National MP, then the same standards do not apply. As for his coalition partners, if you’re from ACT or NZ First then no standards apply, apparently much like their candidate selection process.

Luxon said of Bayly, “He fell well short of the professional standards of behaviour I expect from Ministers. He has apologised, both to the person concerned and me, and has given me his assurance that it won’t happen again.”

Which is essentially, “naughty boy Andrew, don’t do it again.”

But is that sufficient for a Minister who was almost certainly drunk on the job and who, even if he wasn’t, was so obnoxious to a member of the public that his career surely must be over?

Come on, can we just be honest? If this had been a Labour or Greens MP, then every headline in the country would be screaming for a resignation, as would Mr Luxon.

Ultimately, the only person who can help Andrew is Andrew himself. Or he could do like the rest of us, with the endorsement of his leader, ignore what is plainly obvious, not say what is clear, and play along in the pretence.

There is only one loser here, Mr Bailey, but you’ll find some good advice in this song. Faith No More’s - Take This Bottle. I wish you well, but you shouldn’t be a Minister any more; you can’t call members of the public losers - not to their faces, but you can get better.