"That's how I roll"

Melissa Lee and Penny Simmonds get the chop.

It's hard times try to make a living
You wake up every morning in the unforgiving
Out there somewhere in the city
There's people living lives without mercy or pity

I feel good, yeah I'm feeling fine
I feel better then I have for the longest time
I think these pills have been good for me
I think they banished all my blues into infinity

That's how I roll

---

“That’s how I roll” sniggered the Prime Minister, before rhetorically adding “any questions?”

The severed head of Melissa Lee lay beside the lectern with an expression not dissimilar to the one she’d had recently when asked questions about the media.

Christopher Luxon wiped his blade on the jacket of Chris Bishop, who was standing just behind him, and returned it to it’s sheath.

He looked angrily in the direction of a reporter who was speaking, and snarled, repeating, “it’s how I roll”. As he did he shook his head vigorously from side to side.

Usually when he did this it was a subconscious indication that the things he was saying weren’t in close proximity to the truth. But today he was imagining himself as a wild beast, tearing the flesh from a carcass.

“I’m tough. As hard as nails. If I don’t like what I see I slit throats. No ifs, no buts - they’re kaput, capeesh?”

There was a squeal from the side of the stage, Nicola Willis shrieked, “off with their heads”, while pumping her fist.

Melissa, as usual, had nothing to say.

“I’ve decided to take this opportunity to optimise my team, a few tweaks to enhance performance.” He resisted the urge to make a revving noise, like a race car, and glanced down at Melissa with an expression that suggested doing this had hurt him more than it had Ms Lee.

He thought too of Ms Simmonds, who he’d despatched in the corridor on the way to the press conference. Sometimes you just had to roll your sleeves up and take decisive action.

He unbuttoned his shirt cuffs and rolled them up. Then looked out at the assembled media and said “I have taken decisive action.”

A substantial pair of ladies underpants landed at his feet as giggling was heard from the NZME reporters.

“Today I’m announcing that my government is relentlessly focussed on getting New Zealand back on track. To that end, to best serve New Zealanders I’m going to make a few changes. But I want assure you all that it’s smooth sailing for the good ship NZ, just moving a few deck chairs around, and well… we do have to throw a few people overboard from time to time.”

There was a violent coughing sound, and then a choking splutter. Christopher stopped his speech and poured a long glass of water which he gave to Nicola. As he reached down to pass it to her she whispered in his ear. He returned to the lectern.

“I’d just like to clarify that when I talk about throwing people overboard I’m definitely not talking about the public, hate for them to get the wrong idea. I just mean the team, you know time for a few subs, like the All Blacks. Even the best of players can have an off day. So I’m replacing Melissa Lee…”

A huge cheer went up from the assembled media.

“ahem, and Penny Simmonds”, there was a polite smattering of applause.

“I’ve realised that these portfolios, media in particular as you people know, are pretty complex and I’d feel a bit more comfortable with people I can trust.”

A voice called out from the media pack, “they were never up to the task they were given. The truth is you haven’t been paying attention. You’ve only been in office for six months and already the wheels are falling off.”

Luxon glanced nervously towards Chris Bishop who shrugged his shoulders and looked as if he had no idea what was going on. Quite convincingly.

“What I’d say to you is that this shows what a strong and decisive leader I am. Unlike certain other people.” An almost quizzicle note at the end.

The voice replied “it shows you didn't have good judgement. New Zealanders could see very clearly several months ago that Penny Simmonds was making an absolute hash of the disability issues portfolio. She'd gotten off on the wrong foot, had completely messed things up, and it's taken you months to actually do something about it.”

Luxon looked again at Bishop, who this time nodded and mouthed a word back.

“These things turned out to be a bit too complex for the ladies, you know how it goes. Still I’m sure they’re great at baking scones.” There was silence from the reporters. Luxon was puzzled, thinking to himself, “that normally gets a laugh at party meetings.”

He looked straight at the person asking the questions. “It’s very kind of you to join us Mr Hipkins,” said the Prime Minister, “I trust you have a media pass?”

Chris Bishop was frantically gesturing in the direction of the security detail. His arms waving all over the place, like Kermit announcing the guests on the Muppet Show.

Hipkins removed his hat, his fake beard and eye patch, before addressing the PM once more. “Abysmal. Reprehensible. The idea that people who are living with a disability and those who care for them are somehow ripping off the system - which is a claim that Simmond's repeatedly made - is just wrong. But not only is it wrong, it's incredibly hurtful.”

The security men moved towards the former Prime Minister, they weren’t smiling.

Hipkins continued, “As for Melissa Lee, it’s baffling, she’s been invisible. She told us she was working on a proposal that was ultimately vetoed by your coalition partners and appears to have lost her job for something that Winston Peters was ultimately responsible for ... although that's all guesswork because your government hasn't been upfront.”

The security men grabbed Mr Hipkins and started to pull him to the exit. As he was going he yelled, “Penny’s replacement, Louise Upston made it clear that her number one priority was to get people off benefits. I don’t think those in the disability community will be feeling comfortable about this."

Hipkins was evicted from the room.

Luxon looked at the crowd and said threateningly, lest they ask a question too challenging, “that’s how I roll.”

There was a gurgling sound at his feet, an audible representation of the departure of the careers of Lee and Simmonds.

Melissa looked up at Christopher and smiled, “I’m happy to serve in any way I can. Next time I promise I’ll focus more relentlessly.”

Please note that while some details in the story above were dramatised for effect the comments attributed to Chippy are pretty much word for word what he said in his press conference.

I’d written a completely different newsletter but I realised it was mostly a rant about how much I dislike Melissa Lee. Which although cathartic for me probably wasn’t the best use of your time.

If you’d like to read something about Anzac Day you’re welcome to check out the previous newsletters I’ve written on that, there are links following today’s song. I recommend the last one if you have time.

Last year I wrote the following paywalled article covering the dawn ceremony:

As well there was a free piece the previous day contrasting the non-recognition of the Armenian Genocide with the way we commemorate the ANZACs. Some interesting history in there if you haven’t read it:

But if you’re going to check out a previous piece I’ve written on ANZAC day then I reckon try the next one. It was written two years ago when this newsletter had only been going for a couple of months, so chances are few of you have read it.

If you get through the piece of music at the end without a few tears… well I’d be surprised - I certainly can’t.

Have a great ANZAC day all of you lovely people, I hope this time next year the world will be a more peaceful place.

Nick.