Top Secret Luxon report leaked

Be a shame if it fell into the wrong hands.

Jack was preparing himself for his show in his usual way by emptying the bladder and practising his trademark smile into the mirror above the urinal in the TVNZ presenter’s bathroom.

He noticed a document on a shelf under the mirror “Top Secret - National Party leader performance review”. It also read “non-anonymised feedback”, clearly it wasn’t even meant for the eyes of the leader, and here he was with it in his hot little hand.

Jack briefly considered the ethics of using such a document and was pleased to see that that thought made his smile seem more natural somehow. He took the document and popped into one of the cubicles for a read

Nine months into the role and the caucus were undertaking a review of the new leader. Oddly the review was in the form of an old style school report, the subject feedback still had the author listed, it was clearly a draft document.

What a find he thought, journalism gold - evidence of what the National Party leader’s team really think of his performance. He could run a whole hour long special on this but he wasn’t allowed to ask Christopher on the show again until he’d made Ardern look as stupid as Luxon had when he’d asked him about tax cuts.

He knew what the response would be - tough luck the Head of News would say - in the interests of balance you can’t have Chris on until you’ve made Jacinda look like a gibbering idiot as well, National say it isn’t equal treatment otherwise.

Jack argued that Luxon himself had been responsible for looking stupid by not being prepared with policy detail and being unable to answer questions on the fly. Some viewers had even thought he might be having a stroke as his ability to speak continued to decline.

Jack said he’d had the PM on and had asked her his most ridiculous questions, questions that he was embarrassed to ask quite frankly, but she hadn’t been ruffled.

You could be the next Hosking his boss had said. Jack didn’t really want to be the next Mike, Jack longed to be considered a real reporter - the next Campbell. But he also liked pleasing his bosses so he did things that frankly John wouldn’t touch with a barge pole. Better check that smile again he thought.

He could see it now, the great scoop leading the news - after nine months in charge Christopher Luxon’s internal 360 degree review has been leaked to One News, covered in food stains.

In the background Andrew “Jimmy” Saville can be seen licking the bag that the document had been placed in. At the mention of the food he grins to camera and says “Butter Chicken” as if he was revealing a great revelation and raises his eyebrows knowingly.

Jack thinks to himself the food is probably not that useful in terms of identifying who spilt the, well, curry. The National caucus were famous for their regular curry order of “32 mild Butter Chickens and one medium Madras in a container that reads ‘Bad Boy Bishop’s extra hot Vindaloo’” 

Jack continued to read, some of the reviewers had really gotten into the spirit of things..

Subject: English, Grade C-, Reviewer: Nicola Willis

Christopher knows the meanings of words, he can use them individually but when it comes to large groups of words together he manages to arrange them in such a way that although grammatically correct the content is utterly meaningless.

It sounds like he is saying something but it eludes you just out of reach until it is gone and you realise it never was.

When I ask whether he has done his homework assignment on his own without help I expect a straight Yes/No answer - not one starting with Fundamentally! Christopher must stop taking credit for Nicola’s work, just like all the others did - this is going to be anonymised right?

Subject: Social Studies, Grade F, Reviewer: Some guy with a map!

An F after getting lost on the geography excursion to the Bay of Plenty. He got so lost he ended up on a pacific island 7000 km away, but despite the pineapples, and people surfing, he still thought he was in Te Puke!

Christophers knowledge of the history and people of this land is surprisingly poor even by the standards of this party - for goodness sake when I asked him when the Dawn Raids were he said “Goldie - I think you’ll find they were early in the morning!”

Subject: Tech, Grade C+, Reviewers Gerry Brownlee, Judith Collins

He is much better than his Uncle John at wood working - that guy couldn't hammer in a nail, but for goodness sake could he stop talking about his Uncle John?

He turned up to cooking sat at the back and told us to let us know once the girls had made the scones - prick. Would like to encourage Christopher to actually get his apron dirty to maximise his learning opportunities.

Subject: Science, Grade C, Reviewers Simon O’Connor, Louis Upston

Biology class has too much emphasis placed on text book “science” and not enough on the word of the Lord. This subject, and some of the others, should be replaced by Religious Instruction - but not one of those woke RI lessons that covers other world religions, only the one true religion.

Thankfully our saviour is not getting sucked in by the climate change hoax doing the rounds, which a couple of the “cool” kids have fallen for.

I found a complete lack of chemistry in my interactions with Christopher, I’m sure his wife must fancy him although quite why is beyond me. I guess the best we could say was he was participating and contributing - oh Jesus god get rid of that mental image!

Subject: Mathematics, Grade A+, Reviewer Mike Hosking

Chris knows what adds up and he knows what doesn’t add up - this government!

He is such a wiz with the numbers that he knows how we can cut taxes and cut borrowing without cutting spending on those social services he says “bottom dwellers” want - which you’ve got to admit is some pretty fancy mathematics!

In the interests of fairness if I had to find one fault there is a mean little girl who sits next to Chris, she is really unpopular as she has a face like a slapped arse, and she does all of the work while he takes all the credit. He really should stop copying Nicola’s work, although if he can get away - happy days.

Subject: Health, Grade A, Reviewer: Chris Bishop

New Dad Chris Bishop here just smoking a fat chorizo - hey Chris it’s amazing what can be achieved in nine months eh? I was saying to my lovely wife it seems like just the other day we were playing hide the sizzler you know and just like that a baby - easy as!

Oh right, ok seriously then, Christopher’s ambitions for the Health portfolio will really encourage the population to remain healthy and probably consider private medical insurance - so yeah winning. Have a stogie Chris - you passed Health!

Subject: Physical education, Grade C, Reviewer Todd McClay

Using a chauffeur driven car to travel the few hundred metres from the school entrance to the hall was a low point - a very lazy boy.

Drinking “shoeys” with “the Bish” at a cricket game does not count for recognition as participating in a team sport.

Chris is still working on developing positive relations with others and taking responsibility for his own choices - Coke Zero Sugar is not a sports drink Chris!

Subject: Te Reo & Maori studies, Grade DNC, Reviewer Dr Shane Reti.

Kiritopa started with good intentions of learning the language, even boasted in the playground about how he had been wanting to do it and now he was going to. Never turned up to class, not even once.

Sadly his understanding of Maori issues is as well informed as his knowledge of te Reo, has he ever read a book, or met a Maori not wearing a suit - like ever? In saying that he is definitely the kind of pakeha that would say “some of my best friends are..”

General comments and feedback

Christopher is working towards becoming a mentor for the younger boys but until he learns to listen he is not leadership material.

He never stops telling everyone how he used to be captain of the model airplane club - I've even had to tell him to stop wearing an airline pilot’s hat in the classroom.

Chris may be suffering from some early on set memory problem, I asked him the other day where his friend Sam was - another boy in the class. He claimed that he had never met him and in fact he’d never even heard of him, “Sam who?” Then he clapped his hands over his ears and skipped off singing la la la la la la loudly. Most odd, incidentally there is a photo on the class wall of the two of them laughing on top of the adventure playground as other children try to get on it.

Lacks empathy, well suited to a career in business, should not be involved in anything to do with people.

Lately I’ve noticed Chris has a tendency to hang around with a mean boy called David, the class clown from a group of unruly kids down the corridor - the school Malfoy a mean little bully boy, this relationship should be discouraged. 

Wannabe frat boy, sorry I mean a sociable student.

Jack laughed quietly to himself, put down the review and thought about the show ahead. He tried to remember if he’d flossed already.

Mike would have remembered to floss he thought.