Travel Advisory
Christopher Luxon: Should he stay, or should he go?
Should I stay, or should I go now?
Should I stay, or should I go now?
If I go, there will be trouble
And if I stay, it will be double
So come on and let me know
Songwriters: Topper Headon, Mick Jones, Paul Simonon, Joe Strummer.
Christopher,
Tomorrow marks seventeen months since the last election. We’re nearly halfway, and according to the latest polls, things are not going so well for National or yourself in particular.
That is this morning’s headline, Mr. Luxon. The one just above - those are your cheerleaders at the Herald. Just imagine what everyone else is saying. It seems that we Kiwis are just not that into you, and I’m writing to ask if there is any reason to stay.
Why not just quit while you’re not too far behind? Before your caucus, take matters into their own hands.
Labour’s leader, Chris Hipkins, has overtaken you as our preferred Prime Minister, something your predecessors could only dream of when Jacinda was in charge.
You’ve bled the public service dry, the health system is failing, and unemployment is heading north. Even people who voted for you are starting to think that maybe you’re not very good at being in charge.
And now it looks like you’ll have to roll up your sleeves and actually do some work—as one of David’s cut-price lunch suppliers has gone bust!
Yep, it sounds like ole mate Seymour made a great appointment there, eh? You should probably get busy making your famous Marmite sandwiches—lots of them, loaves and fishes style.
I’m joking, of course. As always happens when things are going badly, or even relatively well, I’m sure you’ll be heading overseas - ahh, this time it’s India - you could celebrate their team’s victory in the cricket the other night by wearing an Indian team shirt but don’t pretend you’re running in to bowl on the red carpet eh?
Oh crap, I’ve given you an idea, haven’t I?
Once again, you’ll leave us in the hands of one of your deputies. If there is any good news, I suppose they’re probably the only people in which the public has less confidence than you. But you still back them - despite any obvious merit.
Backing Winston
It’s a shame Winston will be popping over to the U.S. to deliver Phil Goff’s head on a platter; you could’ve given him one last hurrah in charge before Seymour becomes your official number two, eh?
But is this the sort of person you want leading the country in your absence?
It’s not a good look, Christopher. All that anti-woke nonsense might play well with Winston’s cookers, but the PM is supposed to stand for something.
Or am I thinking of how the world used to be when we had values and knew that diversity initiatives were about overcoming racism?
I might be joking about this, but it actually makes me feel ill. Bullies and bigots attacking moves to overcome prejudice - tearing them up and pointing fingers at people with different-sounding names.
You can stop looking at me like that, Christopher - I thought it was unacceptable when Labour did it ten years ago with Chinese-sounding names - that was messed up, but you know what Jacinda had the guts to say it was - and what are you going to say?
Nothing.
Actually, even less than nothing; you actually agree with some of it…
Speaking to reporters on Tuesday morning, Luxon said he had tasked minister Judith Collins - who was "definitely not woke" - with overhauling the Public Service Act to ensure it was a "meritocracy".
A meritocracy, you say. Have you ever considered applying that philosophy to your cabinet?
When pushed by reporters, you refused to name anyone you thought had been inappropriately appointed but gave this profound statement, leaving us in doubt of your position. Please note I’m not making this up; this is what you really said:
“We want to make sure it's a meritocracy, meritocracy, meritocracy... we need to make sure it's all about meritocracy.” - Christopher Luxon, 11 March 2025.
Very good, Christopher. Are there any dance moves that go with that?
Backing Seymour.
On 1 News last night, it sounded like the school lunch provider, Libelle Group, had bitten off more than they could chew (sorry, that was their joke, not mine).
One of the previous suppliers said it looked like someone had raised their hand and said, “Sure, I’ll give it a go”, without understanding the job. Does this sound familiar, Christopher? A bit like your ministers, perhaps?
C’mon—McClay, Potaka, McKee, Chhour, and Costello—and you have the bare-faced cheek to tell other people they ought to run a meritocracy?
The Greens suggested you ditch the whole cut-price lunch debacle and go back to the businesses that were doing just fine. Don’t forget, you’re only doing this because ACT thinks that our children are worth the bare minimum. That might play well with their voters, but there aren’t enough assholes out there to support the state of these meals.
Yet, even after all of this, you still back Seymour. It’s no wonder people talk openly about him being in charge. Do you really want to die in a ditch politically in defence of those school lunches? It seems you do, but how long you’ll last is unclear. Have you seen this one that’s doing the rounds?
By the way, Erica still can’t get that meeting with Seymour to discuss the issues, and you and Seymour were giggling on the front benches of parliament yesterday as if it was all a joke. Acting as if you’re untouchable chums together, and it’s silly that other people think they matter.
Blaming Health NZ, Councils, and everyone else.
You back Winston and Seymour, but everyone else is fair game for the blame game.
Even the Health System. It made me wonder - is anyone advising you, Christopher? If so, maybe don’t listen to those voices because I’m not convinced this is how to improve your popularity.
You said Health NZ needed to be “a high-performing organisation”, but your advice on achieving that was underwhelming; this is what you said; again, I should reiterate that I’m not making this up:
“It's mush at the centre, the money's there, the workforce is growing, it's now about execution of that system.” - Christopher Luxon, 11 March 2025.
Don’t just take my word for it. Some of my friends also felt this approach wouldn’t do you any favours, although they appreciated your experience in the area of incompetence. I should warn you that they can be a little blunt.
Some thought it was a bit rough to gut a sector and then complain when they can’t do their job, but you and I know that setting people up for failure and then complaining when they do is character-building. You guys must have built up quite the reserve of character in the cabinet over the last eighteen months - maybe it’s time to unleash some?
Kirk said, “Wow, all those people in government departments have lost their jobs because they are incompetent? At a time when the government can't buy a ferry, make a school lunch or do anything but make landlords and the rich richer. There are a few incompetent people here, and they’re the ones who should lose their jobs.”
I hate to say it, but I think Kirk might have even meant you, and you were only warming up…
I'm sorry. Does this include the Wellington Council, where Simeon Brown stepped in to oversee things six months ago?
Look, I don’t want to get bogged down in the whys and wherefores of local politics, but surely you can set a better example in this Trumpian world we’re in than calling councils “Lame-O”? Good grief, you’re the Prime Minister, not a schoolyard bully.
Maybe just don’t come back?
Aren’t you a bit tempted to fly away this time and not come back? It’s not like you need the money, Mr Seven Houses. You’re Loaded and Sorted, or whatever your boast is this week.
If it’s about ego, go now because it’s all downhill from here.
You think people don’t like you now? Give them another 18 months, or, god forbid, longer if you manage to scrape through with another win and go through coalition negotiations in a weaker position than last time. Do you really want to do that? Haven’t you been humiliated enough?
Do you remember what happened to Jacinda by the time she left? And she was good at her job.
I’m not serious; as awful as you’ve been, I wouldn’t wish the disgusting vitriol she received on anyone. But it ain’t going to be pretty, Christopher; it really ain’t.
Good luck on your travels. Maybe get a one-way ticket, and you might want to pack some Marmite; I suspect the local food may be a bit spicy for you.
Mind you, if the polls continue like this, you might also find things a trifle spicy back home - because that was just Tuesday.
According to the Internet, the PM's new nickname is "Lame-O Luxon", which seems like the sort of thing that could stick. 😂
Yeah, yeah, oh yeah! (To quote Kenny Rogers). Old white fellas’ idea of a meritocracy is knowing someone who can get you that job, like a slightly dodgy ex-investment banker/ex-PM. But, I stthink he should stay rather than go - Luxon is the Left’s secret weapon for the next election