Valentines from ACT.

Aotearoa's Casanovas and Trothers.

Some of us make a big deal out of Valentine’s Day. We’ll buy the flowers, eye watering though the price spike might be. Say the things we should be saying anyway, although diminished by being scheduled for delivery.

Some of us will even write long free-form newsletters with declarations of love - which is a bit odd.

But there’s another magnitude of wackadoodle weirdness altogether that you might not have considered. The official Valentine’s Day messages posted by ACT yesterday were all kinds of strange.

It’s fair to say that there are parties in our parliament that I’d more readily associate with love. Namely, all the other ones. I tried to imagine what the message might be, what sort of romance might be on offer. Atlas Craves Tough-love came to mind.

The messages themselves are in an odd form. Not a meme or a card, they resemble nothing so much as a tag. You know the ones other people use to label Christmas presents with, which you think are a waste of money so you just write the names on the paper in biro. Anyway, let’s take a look…

I suppose that simple message is quite sweet, although there are some creepy overtones.

Depending on how you read it David might be saying he wants to be able to spend more time with you. A message uncomplicated by romance, it almost sounds like he’s giving an order to a server.

But given the almost synonymous association between his party and creepy incels, I think they call them Young ACT, it’s not hard to imagine that David wants to see more of you. As in, the bits he hasn’t been able to see yet.

You ok? I’m kidding. I don’t really think Seymour is a peeping tom, in fact I imagine he filled this one out “To: David From: Dave”, or something like that.

Perhaps his deputy leader could provide more of a romantic, feminine, touch with hers. Legend has it, at one time she considered joining the Greens - so maybe there is a human being, with real feelings and emotions, lurking far below the surface?

Like a warm molten core in one of the satellites in the far distant frozen reaches of our solar system.

Hmm. Assuming she means “Break” then I reckon you’re all good Brooke.

It’s as if I said, “don’t break my million dollar yacht”. You understand the sentiment but the concern is irrelevant, there’s no possible risk, because I don’t have one.

When it comes to hearts I think Brooke will be just fine. No doubt she’ll break a few, especially those of union members, but I reckon her own one is just fine. And presumably safely stored in a Swiss bank vault.

One of my friends said, “I've had about all I can stomach from that faux sanctimonious woman”, another replied “I call her the robot handmaiden”. Which isn’t very romantic, but it is quite funny.

How about one a bit closer to home, my home, our local ACT candidate Simon Court. I don’t know about this one Si. I reckon if I was someone that’d been romantically involved with you the last thing I’d want to be receiving is a message that began with, “I’ve caught…”

But maybe Simon’s use of the word isn’t meant to be caught. Maybe he’s not suggesting he’s been infected by love, or any associated diseases. Perhaps he means “court” in its old fashioned, romantic sense?

Nah, that makes it sound like an acknowledgement that he has sought feelings in the past, I’ve tried to make you love me, and this is him drawing a line under things and signing off.

I feel like they need something unambiguous, a simple message that everyone can understand. One like this:

Subtle stuff from Cam. Although I’m picking up vibes that when he says “date” he might mean something else.

You’d think perhaps he could’ve gone with “Cam I see you tonight?” or “Cam I compare thee to a summer’s day?” But nope, Mr Luxton went straight to “Cam we Date?” How can you resist ladies?

Hold that thought because you’re about to enter a whole other world of whoar!

Yep, Diamond Dave is back and he wants to “respect and support you”, which sounds like the sort of thing that I imagine a prospective sugar daddy might say.

In fairness to ACT many of their relationships are no doubt based on “support”. Utilising quite large denominations I imagine.

I’m being too cynical, I think “respect” is a nice touch and a good message for those in Young ACT to hear. But I am concerned that “I want to respect you” sounds awfully like it’s on a best efforts basis, rather than a guarantee.

I actually quite like this one from Karen Chhour. It doesn’t seem so forced and I think it’s a nice, relaxed photo of her.

Plus who doesn’t like being told that someone doesn’t find loving them to be a “tedious, but necessary task”?

The next one is truly bizarre. Pure 100% Planet Seymour. I mean who says this apart from P cooks and Meth heads?

In case you’re unfamiliar, Pseudoephedrine is “a sympathomimetic drug of the phenethylamine and amphetamine chemical classes. It may be used as a nasal/sinus decongestant, as a stimulant, or as a wakefulness-promoting agent in higher doses.”

Until it was banned it was available in chemists as a medication, and also as an ingredient for making P. Some of you might remember back in the day, prior to the ban, that rather than criminals knocking over dairies for ciggies and vapes, as they do now, they used to rob chemists for Pseudoephedrine.

So it got banned, and besides there were other cold and flu medications with fewer side effects.

Pseudoephedrine can cause “a fast, irregular or pounding heartbeat (palpitations), you suddenly get a high temperature, your skin reddens or lots of pustules (small, fluid or pus-filled bumps) appear on your skin.” To be fair that does sound a bit like falling in love, although hopefully without the pustules. Assuming Simon hasn’t Court anything.

Anyway ACT are bringing back the Pseudoephedrine because, I don’t know, freedom? Maybe someone should tell them how much people used to enjoy Coca Cola when it contained actual cocaine? I’m sure that’d be a hit with their viaduct set.

Actually for all his Pseudoephedrine and other drug based advice Seymour could speak to new MP Laura Trask, who used to be a “pharmacy technician”.

I’m not really sure what that role is, maybe she took the passport photos? Do chemists still do that?

I don’t really know anything about Laura. She says our education system is “incredibly woke”, and “detracts from educating children in favour of ideological pursuits”. I guess if you’re not teaching them to worship the free market 24/7, or force feeding them Ayn Rand, you’re really letting the kiddies down eh Laura?

So there you go, some lovely Valentine’s messages from you local libertarians. I know what you’re thinking. What a right bunch of… Casanovas.

That was it, right?

I really like L.A.B, some great Kiwi sounds and videos. One of our kid’s friends has a small role dancing in this one.